Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

27.The night before

Amanda's apartment...

That night I lay wide awake in bed, 3:15am and I was no closer to getting sleep now than I was an hour ago. Everything in me was nervous about having signed that statement and putting legal proceedings against my attackers into motion. I knew that it wouldn't be easy and that I was probably setting myself up to be crucified in court...if this even made it that far but if it did, I knew that they would play hard, pulling no punches in coming after me to discredit me and make me look like a liar with an agenda, maybe even using my baby doll to prove it.

Noelle...I can't get my sweet girl off my mind. In spite of knowing that Olivia is right in that the two if us would go through hell or high water to insure our baby girl's safety, there was still that voice in the back of my mind that kept reminding me of the kind of people we're going up against. What if the truth about who she is did come to light in spite of my efforts to conceal it? Chad would never love the child he created but there would still be nothing to stop him from claiming her anyway.

I found my mind drifting back to a case we had a couple years ago where a woman had been raped and it resulted in her becoming pregnant. The woman, Avery Jordan decided to keep the baby only to have her rapist come after her in court to pursue his parental rights and he won, forcing Avery to flee the country to protect her child from his monster of a father and I wondered if this would be what it would come to for Noelle; would Olivia have to run to protect her?

***

Olivia's apartment

Olivia was jolted from her sleep by the sounds of Noelle's frantic screams coming over the monitor and she nearly tripped running from her bedroom so fast to get to her. She got to the nursery to find the infant wailing angrily, her little face red and thrashing her arms about as her crying fit continued. Olivia quickly rushed to comfort her daughter and scooped Noelle up into her arms, cradling her close to her body as she gently rocked her, her eyes catching the clock as she did.

"3:22?" Noelle woke at precisely 3 every night for her feeding and always gave a tiny whine to let Olivia know that she was up and ready to be fed. Olivia was beside herself in realizing that she'd slept through the baby's initial cries and allowed them to escalate into a full blown fit as Noelle's hunger grew worse.

"Oh God, mama's so sorry baby" she cried as she quickly made her way to the kitchen with the hysterical infant in her arms. Noelle's cries had lessened somewhat now that her mother was holding her but they were still quite loud as she made it obvious how upset she was.

It was less than a minute before Olivia was pulling Noelle's bottle from the microwave and quickly tested it on the tip of her tongue since her arms were full. She didn't waste another second getting the milk to Noelle and began feeding her while standing in the kitchen, the baby's cries quickly quieting as she greedily sucked down her formula while looking up at Olivia, her tiny eyes full of gratitude that her belly was being filled.

After getting Noelle fed and burped and back to sleep, Olivia found herself unable to close her eyes and wandered into the living room in search of a boring book, still feeling terrible about having slept through Noelle's feeding time and she remembered how exhausted she'd been when she'd crawled into bed, falling asleep as fast as her head had hit the pillow; she'd been tired like that a lot lately but hadn't given it much attention, she had a new baby at home, of course she should be tired.

She leaned back on the couch, making herself comfortable with Noelle sleeping peacefully on her chest before opening the book she'd pulled from the shelf. After only a few minutes, she found herself unable to concentrate and her mind went to Amanda. She'd been a mess in Rafael's office today and Olivia couldn't help but wonder what would happen once her case went to trial; would she be able to keep it together once she was tasked with facing her attackers in court? Olivia had seen victims completely fall apart on the witness stand and didn't want to see Amanda suffer the same fate. Even so, she admired her bravery, never having found the strength to admit to her own rape even if she knew deep down that everyone was sure that it had happened in spite of her denial. Still, it was a secret that she would keep buried, Amanda being the only person she'd ever divulged it to.