Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

10.Decisions

AMANDA'S APARTMENT

I stayed with Olivia the entire day, only leaving when she'd finally fallen asleep. I can't believe how utterly cruel life could be. She'd wanted that baby desperately but lost it, yet here I am, I can't get rid of this one no matter how hard I try!

I got home that night and all I wanted was a drink but I didn't do it, my head was too heavy and my exhaustion was setting in. I'd been having a thought running through my mind all day; one that I didn't even need to question myself about because I knew in my heart that it was right. The problem was executing it, but I would figure it out tomorrow, I promised myself as I climbed into bed falling fast asleep only to be terrorized by another nightmare.

I was standing in a long, empty corridor and the same beautiful little girl I'd seen in another dream appeared in front of me, looking up at me with big, sad eyes and then running away. I ran after her just in time to see her run into one of the doors at the end of that long corridor and the door closed behind her. When I finally reached the door, I opened it to see myself on a bed being raped all over again only, I was very heavily pregnant. I was being held down by some of them while the others violated me. I stood in the doorway watching this grotesque scene and after a moment, while his hand gripped my throat and he continued to ravage my other self, Chad looked over at the me in the doorway and with the most evil expression in his cold blue eyes, he said "Admit it, bitch, you loved it!" and then proceed to plunge a jagged edged knife into the pregnant belly of my other self. At that point, I startled awake screaming, my heart beating fast and hard as my hands flew to my stomach and I nearly hyperventilated there in the dark. Before I hastily got out of bed and peeled of my pajamas as I made my way to the bathroom, quickly turning on the hot water in the shower and scrubbing myself even more meticulously than I'd done after the stranger had left my apartment this morning.

...

I found myself in the kitchen moments later attempting to drink a glass of water but my stomach was upset and I couldn't get it down

"Damn this!" I said out loud to myself. I keep seeing the assault over and over in my dreams but this one had to be the worst!

I turned off the kitchen light and made my way back to my bedroom. 1:17am blinked from the bedside clock. I stripped the linens from the bed and put on fresh ones, then proceeded to scrub the entire room, top to bottom and did the same with the bathroom. By 4am, I had cleaned the entire apartment and now sat on my sofa with my feet propped up on the coffee table, drumming my fingers on top of my tiny bump and I couldn't help but think about Olivia

The doctor said that even in healthy pregnancies, sometimes it just...happens.

"It happened to the wrong one!" I said out loud just as I felt the spawn move inside me.

"Please stop! Why can't you just lay low until you're out?" I begged but the fluttering continued "look...I'm sorry if you think I'm a terrible person; I'm really not. It's just, you weren't part of my plan...not that I planned it to ever happen the way it did, but it did and I'm ever gonna be able to get past that fact; but I know somebody who can. She will love you with everything she has...I promise. You won't know about me and it's best that way because, you and me, we don't need each other. You'll have her and that'll more than make up for everything I can't be to you...I'm just not strong enough."

I knew from the very moment I left Olivia's apartment, what I wanted to do; I just needed to wait for the right time to put it in front of her.

***

TWO WEEKS LATER

I decided that if I was going to do this, I had to get my attitude in check and that meant prenatal care. I had to make sure that this thing was healthy if I was going to carry it to term and I started seeing an obstetrician. I was thankful to find out that all the shit I'd done hadn't harmed it and I made a vow to do everything the doctor told me as long as I carried. I still didn't know if Olivia would even be receptive to this but if she was, I would make damn sure that I gave her a healthy kid!