Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

12.Throwback

TWO MONTHS LATER...

I'll be seven months pregnant in 11 days and I still have no idea how I'm not showing any more than I was at four months. My doctor says it has something to do with the way she's positioned and that it's pretty common; I guess it works out since I only planned on continuing to work as long as I could get away with no one knowing that I was in fact, pregnant and it's kind of fun having a secret that only Liv and I know about.

It's heart-warming to see how happy she is waiting on this little one to arrive. I'm completely miserable waiting on my due date and cannot wait to have her out of me but Olivia's enjoying every minute of it. when no one is looking, she'll rub my belly and talk to her daughter; the baby actually responds to her voice. She knows her momma and it's good because Liv's really gotten attached to her over the last two months, making sure I'm okay, that I'm sleeping enough and eating enough; not missing any of my doctor's appointments. I still can't bear to look at her on the ultrasounds, but her mother marvels enough for the both of us. This child will be blessed beyond measure to have a mother who loves her so completely! Olivia thinks I'm doing something wonderful for her but she has no idea how much her sticking by me through all of this has meant; will always mean. I'm giving her a baby, but she's giving me my life back by being here for me. I owe my healing to her.

I've already announced to the squad that I'll be leaving for Quantico in four months. It was bittersweet, especially with Nick and Fin, I've formed pretty tight bonds with these guys over the last 3 years and I'm going to miss them when I leave this place, but I'm excited for the new chapter that will be opening in my life and so happy to close this one. Olivia keeps trying to convince me to reconsider my not wanting to be involved in her daughter's life once she arrives but the closer I get to my due date, I'm more sure that it's the right thing for me stay away from her. And though her momma enjoys feeling her move inside me, I resent every little kick - they aren't actually so little anymore, I think she's doin kung fu in my belly and my insides are paying for it! Every time she moves I'm reminded of how she got there and I spend most nights praying that she'll simmer down so that I can close my eyes and sleep without those images. When it gets really bad, I call Liv or my counselor; talking helps to ease the anxiety and there's a lot of it these days but I'm doin ok.

Normalcy feels good.

***

SIXTEENTH PRECINCT, OLIVIA'S OFFICE. 2 weeks later...

"All done boss!" Amanda said as she put the reports on Olivia's desk

"Thanks Rollins" Olivia said as Amanda turned to leave "Hey, what do you think about Emma, Kaitlyn or Lily? None of those are final, just tossing them around in my head" she asked in a near whisper.

"Um, I'm sure whatever you chose will be fine.

I'm actually calling it an early night, you need a ride home?" Olivia asked Amanda who stood in the doorway of her office

"Sure you don't mind?"

'Of course I don't, grab your things and we'll roll."

Amanda walked a few steps out and saw Brian enter the squad room then turned back around.

"Uh Liv, you know what? I'll just have Fin drop me off."

"Rollins, it's not a pro-" she stopped when she looked up and saw Brian in the doorway

"Yeah...I'll give you two some privacy, see you tomorrow" Amanda said and headed for the lockers while Nick stood there glaring at Brian who walked in to Olivia's office and shut the door.

"I don't remember inviting you in"

"I missed you too" he said, trying to make small talk and sat the bouquet of flowers he was carrying on her desk.