Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

24.Revealing

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Barba's office

Of all the times I'd told what happened that night, this was the hardest. I'd been in Barba's office for the last 2 hours while he's gone over my story with a fine tooth comb. I've had to go into graphic, distinct detail of what was done - what I can remember and had to answer a ton of embarrassing and invasive questions, questions that I knew would have to be asked and that I thought I would be prepared for. I'd been through this with survivors more times than I could count and now sitting here, being on the other side of it, I now know that there is NOTHING that could have prepared me for this and after being an SVU detective for the last 6 years between here and Georgia, today I gained a newfound respect for survivors - detailing every moment feels as if I'm reliving it. As I speak I can smell the alcohol on their breath, feel their mouths on my skin and the words they used to taunt me...their hands on me, holding me down and forcing me to endure their cruelty; them on me and inside me and...

"What happened after the girls put you into the cab?" Barba asked, jarring me from my thoughts. I had just collected myself again for the the...third, maybe fourth time and we were starting again

"I got home, cried... I showered and tried to sleep but I was in too much pain and by that point it was even worse so I went to the emergency room"

Did you go alone?"

"Yeah, I...couldn't call anyone I..." my tears were welling up again

"And where was the hospital?"

"I um...I went to a place in Brooklyn - Brooklyn General.

"Why did you go so far from home?"

"I was ashamed of what had happened and didn't want to risk the chance of running into someone I knew in NYPD...maybe even one of my squad"

"And what happened when you got there?"

"The ER was practically empty so I was triaged and sent back pretty fast; the doctor on call took one look at me and she knew what had happened. She pressed me to get a rape kit done and report but I refused. I didn't want the police involved."

"So there was no exam?"

"There was no rape kit but I was examined. I...I could barely breathe from the pain I was in - they'd done some serious damage to me and I needed..."I stopped talking as I was again overcome with tears from the memory

"Do you need to stop again?" Barba asked, his own voice sympathetic and full of emotion as he handed me more tissues.

"No. I need to keep going. If I stop again..." he just nodded as he cleared his throat and continued to write down what I said even as it was being recorded.

"There was so much damage I needed to be stitched...down there - a lot of stitches."

"Can you tell me about your injuries?" I could tell that it pained him to have to make me recount all of this but we both knew that it was necessary. I shifted in my chair, nervously fidgeting with my hands as I began to speak.

"my entire body..." I began, speaking barely above a whisper

"Louder please detective." He looked at me with sorrowful eyes.

"My entire body was covered in bruises" I said louder so that the recorder could pick it up. "my legs, arms...my breasts, front to back - everywhere! First through third degree vaginal tears, anal tears, severe bruising to my cervix...tears to the vaginal walls; the doctor, she found large splinters embedded..."