Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

15.Closed doors and open windows

TWO WEEKS LATER...

AMANDA'S APARTMENT

Five weeks to go! I've actually been marking off the days with a calendar I'm so ready for it to be over! During these last two weeks, the spawn has decided to shift considerably and I swear, ten days ago, I went to sleep with my still tiny bump and woke up to a full-blown belly! I was so freaked out, yet amused at the same time; as soon as I got out of bed, I pulled up my shirt and snapped a picture to send Olivia who of course went completely ape shit and laughed to me later about how she was unable to focus at work all day for staring at her phone.

Fin has been spending every free moment he has just hanging around my apartment. He still feels so guilty about what happened to me, he wants to be sure that I understand that he's here for me if I need him. We spend a lot of time these days just talking; now that the time is getting closer not just to the baby's birth, but to me leaving for Virginia, Fin feels like he has so much that he has to tell me; advice and little life lessons that he needs to share; wisdom to impart. Leaving is going to be a lot harder than I first imagined - these people have become my family. I've learned and grown so much because of them these last few years; I look up to them and love them all immensely and I have no idea how I'll say goodbye when the time comes - I guess I forgot to figure that part in my plan when I decided to try for the bureau.

After Fin found out about the baby and I told him about the rape, it felt strange that Nick was the only one who didn't know what was going on and I fixed it by asking him, along with Fin and Liv to come over and we all had a long talk where I told him everything that had been going on. I don't know why I felt like I couldn't come to them to begin with; Olivia has gone above and beyond to help me heal all these months but now that everyone knows, the collective support these last two weeks has been amazing but it's only making it harder to have to leave. It wasn't this hard to leave my own family behind when I knew that I'd be leaving Georgia to come here. What will I do without them? I mean sure, I could ask to be assigned to New York once my training is finished but then there's still the six months in between.

And the baby; if I did come back here it would mean having to see her and that's not something I can handle doing. Thankfully Olivia has stopped trying to convince me to be a part of spawn's life even though I know that's what she's still hoping for. Though I know that she'll never be able to understand my desire to walk away and just let it be, I'm glad that she accepts it. I mean, who the hell wants the birth donor hanging around while they're trying to bond with their child? Olivia, that's who, and I love her for it because I know that her heart is in the right place but I can't wait to have it out of and away from me. I'll be able to breathe easy once she's here and in Olivia's arms.

...

Right now it's 4 am and I'm in the middle of the first good night's sleep I've had in weeks! Spawn is calm and not kicking me to death, my back isn't aching and there are no bad dreams to disturb me, so why in god's name does my phone begin ringing, piercing the beautiful silence and disturbing my sleep? It couldn't be work, since I put in my resignation last week.

"Hello?" I answered groggily

"I finally figured you out, and I want you to know that I know what you're up to"

"Sara, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked with my eyes still closed. Was she really calling me with this in the middle of the night when I haven't spoken to her since that day in my apartment?

"Don't play innocent with me, you sneaky bitch! I see it, all of it; why you suddenly decided you wanted to keep your bastard...you're gonna try to pin it on Chad" that caught my attention and I sat up in my bed.

"Okay first, that's your slutbag MO, not mine! "

"What the fuck did you say to me?" she screamed, I could tell that she was drunk off her ass