Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

25.Rethinking

*Quick note that this chapter contains rape and may be a trigger so proceed with caution and know your limits.

Olivia's apartment, continued...

"Wait a minute, you said the recorded footage is saved for up to a year?" Olivia asked Brian, turning to look at him as she removed her eyeglasses from her face.

"Yeah why?" he asked as he took a huge bite from his pizza slice - a slice full of anchovies, while Liv turned her nose up. Ever since she was a child, the smell made her nauseous.

"Just something that crossed my mind."

"Care to share?"

"I'm not really at liberty but I can say that we have a case in the works involving another crime committed in that building and being able to retrieve footage from that far back just may help us prove it...could you not eat that that near me? You know what that smell does to me"

"I will never understand how you don't like anchovies" he complained as he got up moved to the kitchen

"And I will never understand how you do" she retorted as she fanned the air around her with her hand before putting her glasses back on and refocusing on what she'd been doing on her laptop.

"Shit!" Brian declared as he read the text message from his phone. I gotta go babe" he grabbed the pizza box before leaving the kitchen.

"I'm 'babe' again?"

"You'll always be babe" he grinned as he bent down to kiss her, she quickly put her hand up between them to block him

"Anchovy lips? Not on mine!"

"Fine, wear it on your forehead" he said then kissed her there before she could stop him and stood laughing at her reaction of disgust. "I'll call you as soon as I hear from Russ" he said as he opened the door to leave, only to be hit in the face with a pillow she'd thrown at him from the couch.

"Good luck ever getting cookies again!"

"You'll be craving the milk soon enough" he winked and left. Olivia sat on the couch grinning as she shook her head then got up when the smell of the anchovies wafting through the air became too much and she threw open the windows, grabbing air spray from under the kitchen sink when the breeze didn't clear it fast enough.

***

Barba's office...

"I don't need to tell you how this goes but since you're not here as an officer but a vic...an accuser seeking prosecution, I have to walk you through this as if you were a civilian." Rafael said upon reentering his office, my freshly typed statement detailing my account of what happened to me in his hand.

"After you sign this statement, I'll get it to a judge and have arrest warrants issued for your attackers - now, I won't lie to you, considering that some of these guys come from very old money with very deep hooks in the political and legal systems, we may experience a delay in getting a judge who'll sign off on them but I'm confident that I can get it done within 48 hours at which time I'll also be asking for search warrants. I'm not giving these guys the chance to destroy any possible evidence."

"Smart thinking"

"After warrants are secured, we hand them off to SVU and the rest..."

"Is anybody's guess" I said upon letting out a nervous sigh as I picked up the pen. This is it, with a flick of my wrist guiding my hand to put my signature on that dotted line I'm about to turn my world completely upside down; and maybe Noelle's...this could all blow up in my face. These people I'm accusing, they have power, means; they know how to play dirty. Even if I were forced to put my story about already being pregnant the night of the attack in place, Barba is right, they have deep hooks in everything so it wouldn't be a problem for them to get hold of medical records and find out the truth that Noelle was conceived that night. They will come after her, take her away from her momma and I promised Liv that Noelle would always be hers and I promised my babydoll that I would keep her safe; always keep her safe, but if Chad finds out, her life becomes a circus and just the thought of that...

"What am I doing?" I suddenly can't breathe and my hands are trembling as I drop the pen onto the table and get up from my chair to begin nervously pacing the room.

"Detective, are you okay?" Rafael asked. I could hear the alarm in his voice

"I can't do this!" I cried as a torrent of tears fell from my eyes and I began wringing my hands in an attempt to stop the trembling and my mind began to wander.

"Her head's almost out, you're almost there honey!"Olivia cheered as Amanda squeezed her hand for dear life

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, KILL ME!"

"Amanda, slow down. Remember, nice and easy" the doctor instructed

"THERE IS NOTHING NICE OR EASY ABOUT A HUMAN BEING COMING OUT OF MY VAGINA!" she yelled angrily and with a final agonizing scream she pushed as hard as she could and delivered Noelle, not caring that she'd given herself a third degree tear in the process and then suddenly, the room was filled with the cries of the child that she'd just brought into the world. This cruel, dark world that held so much hurt and danger; especially for a woman - this baby was proof of that.

Before I knew it, I was back in Chad's bedroom...

"Calm. The fuck. Down!" his grip on my neck was so tight I felt as if I were suffocating. I could feel it all over again as he forced himself inside me and then his friends...their hands all over me, entering me, groping me, holding me down...

"Man she is taking it ALL..."

"Dude you picked a winner, this is one cock-hungry slut..."

"Look how hard she's coming; I think this bitch wants a double team..."

"Choke her she'll come harder..."

"Put your cock in her throat..."

"You like that, don't you whore?"

Barba's POV

She had slipped away. We'd done too much, I'd pushed her too hard asking her to relive that night and right now, in her mind, she was back there.

"Amanda..." I called softly, placing my hand on her shoulder, realizing what a terrible mistake I'd made the very second I touched her.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she began screaming as he quickly backed away from me. She had no idea where she was and didn't recognize me. Her eyes were wild, full of fear, glassy...terrified and her breathing was erratic. My heart broke as she backed herself into a corner and sank to the floor, covering her face and sobbing as she shook uncontrollably.

"God please, if I could just call Liv... if I could just call Liv..." she repeated over and over but it wasn't a request as I seriously doubted that Rollins was present at the moment as she rocked back and forth. I'd seen this before but never quite to this degree...she was trapped in a flashback.

"Counselor, is everything alright?" Charla, my secretary asked upon entering the room, alarmed at the sight of Rollins cowering in the corner.

"No!" I yelled as I took my phone from my pocket and began dialing.

***

Olivia's apartment...

"Benson"

"Liv, you need to get to my office, NOW!"

"Raf, what's going on?" Olivia knew that something was wrong for him to sound so urgent.

"I don't have time for questions. Please, just hurry!" he ended the call and Olivia quickly shut her laptop and shut the file folders that were open in front of her then quickly went to the nursery and lifted a sleeping Noelle and secured her in her car seat, grabbed a blanket then headed to the front door, grabbing Noelle's diaper bag and her keys on the way out. Less than three minutes after Barba's call, she was exiting her building and had hailed a cab. If traffic wasn't too bad, she'd arrive at his office within 7 minutes.