Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

26.Surety and doubt

Olivia rushed into Barba's office as soon as she stepped off the elevator, her mind racing, wondering what could be so important that he'd demanded her to come.

"I got here as fast as I -" she stopped cold when she saw Amanda, still in the corner, covering her ears, eyes shut as tears still managed to squeeze their way out and down her face. Shocked, Olivia could only look at Rafael with her mouth agape as she carefully sat Noelle's car seat on the round mahogany wood table. "What the hell happened?" she asked Rafael as she walked over to Amanda and stood there in front of her.

"She had the pen in her hand about to sign her statement and it's like a switch just flipped inside her; she was in some sort of trance and then she's screaming at me not to touch her and then..." he gestured his hand to the corner where Amanda was crouched "I didn't know what else to do so I called you"

Olivia could tell that Rafael was quite shaken by what he'd witnessed. "It's okay, you did the right thing by calling me" she assured him.

"I'm gonna go find a drink!" he announced as he shakily rose from the chair where he sat slumped and straightened his tie before leaving the office to give Olivia time with Amanda. Slowly, Olivia kneeled down in front of the young detective and very softly called out to her as she placed her hands on top of Amanda's to still her shaking.

"Amanda..."

"no no no..." she whispered to herself as she squeezed her eyes shut even tighter. Olivia slowly lowered Amanda's hands, pulling them away from her ears and holding them in her own.

"Honey, it's Olivia...I'm here with you; you're safe...Amanda? It's okay..." she said soothingly and very gently put her arms around Amanda and rocked her body in time with hers. "You're safe...I'm right here" she whispered and continued to speak calming words until they began to get through to Amanda. When the young detective finally recognized the soft voice that was speaking to her, she turned and buried herself in Olivia's arms, clinging to her while she cried.

Amanda's POV

"I don't know what's happenin to me!" I sobbed

"You'll be fine" Olivia swore to me "I promise, everything will be ok; come on" Olivia said, helping me up from the floor and leading me to the leather sofa where she sat beside me while I still clung to her, sobbing like a baby.

"Liv, I don't think I can go through with this"

"You're afraid, I know. You just need to remember why you're doing this in the first place"

"I do remember and it's the same reason why I can't. I would rather die than let anyone hurt her or take her away from you!"

"Honey I promise you that won't happen. We've got enough on Chad to bury him, he can't get to Noelle"

"I'm just so afraid for her"

"Don't be. You fear for anything else you have to but not for her, you know why?" I wiped my tears and shook my head.

"Because" Olivia said as she stood up and walked over to the table where she'd put Noelle's car seat, me just realizing that the baby was in the room. Olivia carefully lifted Noelle into her arms and beamed blissfully when Noelle gave a huge grin as her big blue eyes stared keenly into her mother's brown

"She's got two fiercely protective mamas looking out for her" Olivia said as she made her way back to the sofa "ready to strike, ready to fight at any and all costs to protect her." she put Noelle in my arms and sweetly stroked the baby's cheek.

"Our baby girl is safe and she always will be and god help anyone who tries to compromise that because there will be hell to pay!" she vowed

I sat staring down at Noelle and I knew that Olivia was right; I would go through any and everything for this little girl! I brought Noelle close to my body, reveling in the feel of my daughter's warm breath in the crook of my neck and the sweet smell of her skin. I could feel her tiny heart beating and I remember the promise I made to her just yesterday and suddenly felt my confidence returning, even more so when I again cradled her tiny body in my hands and Noelle looked up at me. I knew that my baby girl was telling me through that long intense gaze that I could do it and that I was strong enough.

"You think so baby doll?" I asked and was completely caught off guard when Noelle gave a smile that felt like a confirmation. "Did you see that?" I asked incredulously, turning to Olivia.

"I did, this little one knows her stuff" Olivia said, the smile on her face quickly fading and replaced with a grimace as she drew in and let out a deep, shaky breath, pressing her hand to her stomach.

"Liv, you okay? You don't look so good"

"Yeah I'm...I'm okay. I think I might be coming down with something but don't worry about it. Right now what matters is you; I'll support you no matter which way you decide to go but there's something you need to be aware of; Brian...he's been helping me look into Sara's disappearance; Amanda, it doesn't look good"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that it looks like Chad may have...honey I'm sorry" I placed Noelle in her momma's arms then sank my head in my hands and wept. Sara wasn't always the best person but she was my friend and I loved her.

***

Chad's penthouse...

The housekeeper went about her regular duties of cleaning the massive apartment twice a week, always saving Chad's bedroom for last because it was usually the biggest mess and took the longest to clean. She had gotten down on the floor to pull out whatever would be under the bed - usually discarded condoms , panties or coke mirrors.

I really need to find another job because this puta is nasty! She thought to herself as she went about grabbing the filth from beneath the bed when suddenly, her eye trained on something it had never noticed before and she wondered how long it had been there. After practically having to crawl beneath the bed to reach it, she finally got it and while still under the bed, opened her gloved hand and was mortified to see that it was a human wisdom tooth and it looked like there was still a piece of skull attached to it.

Milagro was smart however, knowing that there were camera's everywhere in this apartment and she didn't allow herself to react outwardly as she put the tooth back, grabbed the final condom tossed it into the trash with the others and finished cleaning the room as if nothing had happened. the very second she finished the apartment, she got the hell out of there and called her agency telling them she quit.

***

Barba's office...

It took him a half hour to calm his nerves after witnessing my breakdown in his office but Olivia had gotten everything under control and now he and I again sat at the table in his office, Olivia having left and he went over the my statement with me one last time.

"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" He asked

"I don't think I've ever been more sure of anything in my life, I wanna nail his ass to the wall!" I said with absolute surety and quickly, boldly put my signature to my statement. I was done being the victim!

***

Meanwhile at Olivia's after making a few stops on the way, she and Noelle had just gotten home and was locking the door when she was hit with a wicked bout of nausea that forced her to drop her bags in the entryway and put Noelle's car seat down giving her just enough time to make it to the bathroom, just managing to avoid throwing up on the floor.

By the time she finished in the bathroom, she was so weak she could barely stand but Noelle was screaming her head off and she made a beeline to her and scooped her up in her arms, rocking her softly and humming a lullaby to soothe her cries then once the baby was quiet, she grabbed a bottle from the fridge and stuck it in the microwave.

Minutes later she sat on the sofa feeding the baby, her mind began to wander and she shook off a particularly bothersome thought that insisted she pay attention to it.

"Not possible" she insisted, more out of being too afraid to believe it than not wanting it to be.