Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

11.Decisions II

PRECINCT, OLIVIA'S OFFICE. CONTINUED

"You..." she looked again at the sonogram picture in her hand and then back at me. She was in shock. "When did...the rape?" she asked in a whisper. I nodded yes as my tears fell.

"I only found out a few weeks ago. My head, you know, it's been so messed up I didn't notice that I wasn't getting my period and by the time I did...Liv, I did some really stupid things to try to get rid of her, but none of them worked. I have been cursing God and wondering what the hell he's doin..."

"I'm so sorry"

"You lost a baby you loved and wanted and I have this one that I don't; I know how that sounds but it's the truth. I'm never gonna love her...after what they did to me, I can't but I know that you can. You can love her and protect her and be everything to her that I can't."

"Amanda...this..."

"I know, it's asking a lot and I know that she can't replace the baby that you lost but Liv, as far as I'm concerned, she's already yours, you were meant to be her momma. All you have to do is say yes!"

She looked up at me with her eyes full tears "Just that simple?" she asked

"Just that simple." I assured her. she blew out a deep breath as she dragged her hand down her face, never once looking away from the picture in her shaking hand as she got up from where she sat and began mindlessly pacing the room.

"This is crazy! I can't let myself consider this; I can't let myself want this!"

"You don't have to give me an answer right now..."

"I can't give you an answer ever!"

"Liv..."

"How would this even look to the NYPD?"

"I don't give a shit how it looks to the NYPD! Besides they don't have to now. I can't keep this baby but I am trying to do what's best for her; you are what's best for her!

"And what if...I can't want this!"

"You already do...you think I'll change my mind don't you?" Olivia was silent "Liv, I would never hurt you that way!" I said as I reached out and grabbed her hand and put it to my very tiny belly.

"Do you feel that? That's your baby. Nothing and no one will ever take her away from you; I promise you she's yours, I'm just growin her for you."

"Why would you do this for me?"

"Because you'll love her, and because you've done so much for me and I don't mean just with helpin me through...I think you're amazing. You are the strongest, kindest, best person I know and I can't see anyone being a better mother to this little girl than you....please; take your baby."

She tried her damndest to keep those tears from falling as she stared at the sonogram picture again, but they won and she broke.

"Are you sure about this?"

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life...is that a yes?"

"It's a yes" she cried and pulled me into a hug, I hugged her back just as tightly. "I promise, I'm gonna take such good care of her, and you can be have as much involvement as you want."

"Liv um..."I said as I pulled away from her embrace. "That's the other thing I need to talk to you about. I don't have any plans to be in her life; at all. When I leave for Virginia, I'm never coming back and I'd like it if you never told her about me."

"you can't mean that"

"I do. My eyes are wide open and I know exactly what I'm doin. This is your baby; she's never felt like mine, she'll never feel like mine and you're the only momma she'll ever need to know because you're the only one who'll matter.

"Amanda..."

"It's alright. I can't love her but she'll be in good hands and that'll make it ok." I said as I wiped my tears. "So I um, I had a bunch of tests run and she's healthy." I assured her as I handed her the reports from my purse. "I'll keep you updated about my prenatal appointments in case you wanna come with. Other than that, I'll um, I'll see you in a few days. "

"You comin back to work?"

"I think it's time." I said as I turned to leave.

"Me too. And Rollins?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. I mean that." I nodded.

"Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight."

...

I walked out of the precinct that night smiling and feeling more accomplished than I had in months.