Vent book

Mom

I'm not sure what to title this and I just wanted to talk about this since it's kind of been on my mind at the moment and somewhat biting me in the ass.

But honestly, I just really wish I could tell my mom about my boyfriend and my friends on discord and stuff. I never really talk about this perhaps but if you want to know something about my mother,

She's very protective and doesn't tolerate me talking to people who I don't know on the internet. I can understand why though yet I don't at the same time,

Reason being is because of what happened to me as a kid and me knowing that my mom wished that she could've protected me more and kept a greater watch for something like that.

It's also kind of my fault too..I kind of had a shot at having internet friends until let's just say...I fucked up. I was stupid and ignorant as a younger teenage girl and did dumb things. Almost being caught at one point doing these things too which made my mom angry at me.

After this though, I think it more than likely made my mom even more protective and stuff. Which always annoys me and gets on my nerves.

As much as I love my mother and as much of how caring and loving she is, I've never told her about any of my friends or my boyfriend. What I've done beforehand and what I've learned after doing stupid shit.

That's just it though too. I'm really nervous coming out to her about it, because then she'll get mad for sure especially when I have a boyfriend or if I'm talking to boys. She just thinks that I'm going to get hurt and shit when most of the time at least no one can really do shit.

Hell I had a chance at making a friend from my online school somewhere where I know someone that goes to the same fucking place as me. You know what happened after I told my mom that I talked to the dude on the phone about school and stuff after that?

She said, "No. Don't do that. You don't know them and they could be crazy. Why would they ask for your phone number? You don't know them."

Jeez, way to boost up my courage and confidence of telling you about my friends and boyfriend. That just made it even worse and made me even more scared to tell her now.

Even if I did tell her though she'd want to look through everything and maybe even try monitoring what I'm doing all of the time when talking to them. Not to mention taking them away more than likely.

You know, I would love to actually tell my mom that I want to talk to her about it. But I know that she'll get mad and I even remember when she took my shit away from me asking me about what I've been doing on the internet and me asking if she'd get mad and her telling me that she probably would.

Well that sure helped a lot because that made me not tell you other things even after telling you a few things that I've done. Oh yeah, let's not forget how last year during around the Summer she pestered me asking me what I'm hiding on my phone and did the same shit this summer which made me feel irritated last year and tell her off.

But this year I was smart enough and just laughed it off while feeling actually really angry with her for not leaving me alone.

Hell last week when my phone vibrated early in the morning from my charger being a dick and me checking what time it was she just said "Give me your phone" and tried snatching it out of my hands which made me ask what the hell she was doing. Even a day or two ago about the phone vibrating from my charger she's just like,

"Why was your phone vibrating?"

It was vibrating because I'm getting texts a 45 year old man that you don't know about that I've been contacting and stuff and yeah- NO! My phone is vibrating because of the fucking charger what else do you think the fuck my phone was vibrating for!?!

Not only that, last year during October my friends and I had a lit voice chat and I wanted to talk or join but couldn't since my mom and brother were in my room with me so I kept pretending to go to the bathroom which made my mom suspicious.

She asked me if I was talking to anyone and I said no. She said that she thinks that I'm lying (which I was understandably for reasons) and I said I wasn't. She told me that it's dangerous to be talking to people over the internet.

I mean sure, you can't trust me having a boyfriend over the internet because he's far away and I don't know him. But at least I'm not being stupid and actually showing love and affection while being a dork with someone that I actually love and care about!

As for my friends, they stuck with me when I needed it and when I couldn't have the guts to tell you about me going stupidly crazy from shit and holding in emotions that I couldn't let out!

Want to know something that'll boost my courage up more? You hate lying! I'm lying about it which I feel guilty for a lot all the time but I take it in because I know that if I want to keep my friends I have to keep quiet because either way you'll get pissed and I don't want any of that or better yet having people that I love taken away just because they're across from me and not in person.

Especially when they're boys, right?

You think that they're some kind of teenage boy that will lure me to some creep that will kidnap me when they're nothing like that.

My friends tell me that they don't agree with the whole thing with my mom being protective with me on the internet and constantly asking what I'm doing on my phone, and think it's stupid which I understand.

Yet it's confusing for me..sometimes I wonder if I'm the one who's actually in the wrong and not my mom. Sometimes I wonder if I'm overreacting with stuff like this about her and that I'm just being stupid with it..

Or that maybe sometimes I think that I shouldn't even probably be on here and have friends probably since I just got my family and stuff and will make friends since..mother knows best right?...

Though I wonder if I am probably right. Yeah, I'm thankful for my mother don't get me wrong and she's the best mother any kid could ever have and I appreciate everything she would do for me..I'm honestly a lucky daughter..but I have to admit that not all parents are perfect, my mom included. I don't think she'd listen to me about that though probably and say that she's a good parent which she is of course,

But you could at least set back some rules of restricting things at least...I mean I'm not even good at socializing and stuff too anyways...

I'm sorry if this chapter is me talking about all of this. I just really wish I could tell my mom these things without feeling my stomach twisting into a knot making me want to puke or me felling my heart race while I sweat from being scared and nervous about what my mom would think and if she would get mad that I lied and stuff..

If only I could just talk things out with her about this without getting scared and knowing that she would be pissed off with me...