You are my life

Alex's testimony

(Alex's POV)

Piper called me to the stand.
I took a deep, shaky breath.
Here goes nothing.

The bailiff made me swear on the Bible before I began.
"Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?" He asks.
"I do." I answer.
Not only because I didn't want to perjure myself (and I promised Piper I wouldn't) but my relationship with Pipes literally hung on the promise I didn't lie anymore.

Piper stood and approached me.
I could tell this would be hard on her.
We'd been over my testimony again and again to make sure I got it right and didn't miss anything.
The amount of breaks we had to take because Piper couldn't take it were extensive and I felt awful.
She had to call me 'Miss Vause' because I was still an inmate and my paperwork said 'Vause' so I couldn't be legally called 'Vause-Chapman' yet.

"Miss Vause."
She exhales.
"Do you have feelings for former CO McCullough?" She asks.
"No and I never did." I state firmly.
I could see McCullough shrink at that from the corner of my eye but now that I know what she did, I couldn't give a shit.
"Really? Because according to former CO McCullough, you two are in love." Piper says with obvious hurt and venom.
I didn't know she'd say this.
Then again, it was a question based off of what McCullough had said.
"Really. There is only one woman in my life that I'm in love with. I think you may know her." I snark.
Piper gives a brief nod and I didn't miss the small smile that appeared on her face.
"Then could you please tell this courtroom why you had an affair with former CO McCullough?" She asks.
She was so strong doing this. If it were the other way around, I couldn't do what she was doing right now.

"I have abandonment issues. When my mother was pregnant with me, my father abandoned her, thus, he abandoned me. I never met him so that never really bothered me, it's always just been at the back of my mind. Then in later life, I met you and fell in love but down the line you left me in Paris when we broke up 10 years ago. I felt abandoned since my mother had just died and I needed a friend at least, if not a girlfriend. I've lumped you into that abandonment category since then, in fact, primarily blamed you for it. The pain I felt when you left me when my mom died was so unbearable I turned to using the heroin I dealt. I'd lost the two women I love most in the world at exactly the same time. It broke me.
Then when you got released from prison after us getting married, it was hard for you to visit me due to New York City being an hour away from Litchfield, your father doesn't like me so wouldn't let you visit me, my own prison limitations and your parole and work hours also made visiting me difficult. I was terrified that I just wouldn't be worth the effort to you, then Zelda appeared in your life.
I saw another woman in your life and I was powerless to stop it.
In the meantime, former CO McCullough forced me to sell for her after 'rescuing' me from former CO and Warden Hellman. He and all the other guards knew my background from my file so the two of them blackmailed me into dealing for them since they were the almighty COs and who's going to believe an inmate over a CO?
COs Hellman and McCullough forced me to sell drugs and contraband chargers for them.
In fact, Hellman shoved a roll of heroin down my throat which could've killed me.
While I was dealing chargers for McCullough, I confided in her about you and the insecurity I felt in our relationship."

Before I can continue, Piper visibly stiffens at this. This wasn't lawyer and client, this was Alex and Piper, this was us talking.

"She knew I was missing you and wanted nothing more than more contact with you so I was allowed a phone to call and text you. It was blatantly obvious that she had a crush on me so to get what she wanted, she played on my insecurities and my fear that you would leave me.
I used to be a high ranking drug dealer and a professional recruiter of women. I groomed them to become drug mules so due to being separated from you, I used my expertise to manipulate and use McCullough for my own sexual relief, also, I saw her as protection from Hellman. Dealing with her meant he was out of the picture. She admitted to me I was the only thing keeping her at Litchfield and she was my only protection from him and in my eyes, my only way to protect my heart from you, so I continued the affair to keep my protection. I promised you I'd keep my nose clean to be free with you, she was cleaner than Hellman, so I groomed her.
This was made easier by McCullough throwing herself at me so I took advantage of that for that reason and also in the fear that you would leave me for Zelda. I saw a fragile, naive woman with a crush. In my old line of work, this was a goldmine. I had an easy target and took a shot at it because I had overbearing thoughts of the woman I love leaving me.
Ever since I was arrested, I've missed the power that being a professional recruiter gave me. With McCullough, I saw the chance to get the power I once had back through my manipulation of her. I had a CO in my pocket and it felt good because they always have us in their's. Well more accurately, they have us under their thumbs.
It was all just self preservation. I was in survival mode. Period. No feelings. At all. Just an insecure, defensive, jealous, power trip achieved through sex. Sex while I was separated from you.
All she was to me was a cushion to soften the blow, a human shield to defend myself if you did leave and a way to keep Hellman at bay. When I realised that you wouldn't leave, I stopped my affair with her and chose you, like I always will, but she wouldn't take no for an answer and became obsessive so I once again became the easy target of COs abusing their power.
Because I would no longer offer myself to her, she was no longer getting what she wanted. She couldn't accept that I love you and want to make it work with you so she transferred me to Ohio. She's no better than Hellman. They're all just as bad as each other." I finish, taking a deep and shaky breath.

I knew I'd messed up my testimony and it all just came out in this mass of words but I think I got my point across for Piper.
"Thank you Miss Vause." She nods.

I go back to sitting beside Piper at the prosecution table. I knew the defence lawyer would call me back up so while Piper finished questioning McCullough, I was preparing myself for what I would have to say in answer to her questions.