You are my life

Not yet

(Piper's POV)

Getting back to the hotel suite, I find the wine I'd ordered untouched by Alex. She'd obviously chased me straight to Zelda's so the only wine missing from the bottle was the full glass I'd taken.
I poured myself a new glass as Alex poured herself one.
Both of us preparing for another round of confessions.
After Zelda's, we were both certain that it was each other that we wanted, but my God, Alex was going to explain herself.

We sat at the breakfast bar on opposite ends, facing each other.
We were going to have a talk.
I needed to know.
Alex knew that.
As I said, I married a smart woman.
"Okay Pipes, let's continue that conversation from our Litchfield visitation shall we? Ask me anything you want and I'll tell you the truth. I promise." She tells me.
"Okay, let's. How can I be sure that I'm enough for you and you won't cheat again? When we first met, you cheated on Sylvie with me and told me the reason being was that you were unhappy with her, so do I make you unhappy now?" I ask her.
Alex sighs, stretches forward and takes my hands in hers.
"Do you know me at all? In fact, did you listen to anything I said in court today? I love you Piper. I love you. More than life itself. You make me the happiest I've ever been. I was unhappy without you. That's one of the reasons I did it. You are more than enough for me so don't ever suggest otherwise. I don't want to repeat myself so I'll say this. I once associated you with abandonment and my abandonment issues, admittedly more so caused by you, but you stayed. Well, more accurately you moved. You proved to me that I no longer need to fear you leaving me. You know I'd do anything for you. In fact, I can prove it." She states.
I scrunch my nose up in confusion which she tries to stifle a smile at. She's always thought my confusion was adorable.
"How?" I ask her.

She looks down and takes a deep breath, squeezing my hands as she does so.
"Okay, when you got out of prison, Carol and Barb killed each other so Badison pretty much became the C-Block boss and had me as some sort of weird, prison, drug mule. Hellman took over when I had her transferred. You know how these things work, she worked for him, I guess I worked for her but the only reason I agreed to work for her was because I'd made a deal with Carol before she died." She starts.
"Okay?" I half say, half ask.
"Babe, when Badison was hellbent on stealing your date, I went to her and asked her to back down, when she didn't, I went above her head to Carol and made a deal to work for her if she got Badison to leave you alone. I sold my soul to the prison devils for you. I fell on the sword, I took the bullet. For you." She confesses, looking me directly in the eye. She was serious.
She did that.
I was gobsmacked.
I thought Hopper was the one who got Badison to back down but all along it was Alex being protective?
I didn't know what to say.
At my silence, Alex continued,
"I also messed with Badison to get her transferred and avenge you. She messed with you then she tried to mess with me. No one messes with me or my baby without expecting to feel the impact of my horns." She nervously laughs as she continues to confess.

At this point, my mouth was open and I resembled a floundering fish out of water.
"Then, why did you continue to work for them if I was already out?" I ask her, confused.
"Because they threatened to take my visitation time with you if I didn't do their dirty work." She answers.
"Alex. I didn't, I didn't know it was that bad. Why didn't you tell me?! What, is this just a thing now?! Keeping things from me?! I mean, you have literally lied to me from the day we met, then you cheat on me, A LOT apparently, THEN you dump me! Excuse me for assuming I make you unhappy Alex!" I stammer then start to yell at her in my confusion.
"Woah Pipes chill! First of all, I didn't tell you about that because I didn't want you to worry and it didn't seem important enough to tell you and no, keeping things from you is not a thing unless keeping something from you protects you. Second of all, I'm aware I'm a fuck up, okay? But I'm a fuck up who loves you. Lastly, for the LAST TIME, McCullough was a survival tool! I had EVERY intention to make it work with you because I FUCKING LOVE YOU PIPER ELIZABETH VAUSE-CHAPMAN! She was my way of keeping my nose clean to get out to be with you like I promised you! I mean what would you rather? Extra time being caught selling for Hellman who had no attachment to me whatsoever, I mean he nearly killed me for God's sake so selling me out would be as easy as breathing for him OR seducing McCullough who could protect me?! Although she fucking transferred me because I broke her fragile little heart and I didn't want you to lose the life you had just rebuilt for yourself and the respect from your family you'd just regained, for me. Not again. I couldn't do that to you. I wouldn't. I'd already fucked you, us, up enough. My plan backfired basically. Look Pipes, in all the time we've been together, when else have I strayed?" She tells me quite irritably then asks me in a gentler tone.
She had me there so she continues,
"Never. Exactly. I was simply afraid of prison pulling us apart once and for all. I told you in prison once, you want to get to someone, you gotta play the long game, I wasn't going to stop using McCullough until you proved to me that you'd stay. It was all just about the long game and surviving prison and another possible heartbreak. She was just something to do while I waited for you. That and she was my fast pass protection from Hellman. You're my one and only babe. You always have been."

I was speechless.
I mean seriously, what do you say to that?

Taking my silence as a good sign, Alex gets off her bar stool and gingerly comes to stand behind me, pulling my hair to one side and placing feather light kisses from my shoulder to my jaw and wrapping her arms around me. Trapping me.
"You came back for me. You freed me. You proved to me I don't need to be afraid of someone else stealing you away from me, you proved a lot of things today actually you sexy lawyer you. Mmm, I'm married to a lawyer. No, no, a federal prosecutor.." She whispers seductively in my ear and trails off, nuzzling my hair with her nose and beginning to undo my blouse buttons from behind.
At this, I snap out of the trance she'd started to put me in and my eyes instantly open again.
I shake myself free of her hold and state,
"I'm tired. I'm going to bed."
I heard her sigh frustratedly behind me as I walk into the bedroom.
I love her.
With everything in me.
But when she started to take my shirt off like that, the image McCullough had provided me with sprang into my head and it made me feel nauseous.
Alex was desperate to reconnect with me intimately again but I wasn't ready.
Not yet.