Nothing's Fine, I'm Torn.

The chain

I looked at the black car which slowly drove on the gravel. There was a nasty ulcer, a sad but still chilly atmosphere. Everywhere around me flew tears, tears of sadness. In silence everyone walked behind the men in black suits. Occasionally there was a softly sobbing sound but nobody dared to say something, nobody had the need to speak. I looked at the white wooden coffin which slowly got levied into the dark hole. The large wreath of red roses, the little brown teddy bear and the beautiful picture of Kristen. Everything was so beautiful and yet so terrible. It began to drizzle and the undertaker began to speak softly. In the distance I heard his words, the unfolding of umbrellas but I suddenly had no more sense to listen. The only thing I could do was stare at Kristen, at the picture where slowly walked drops over. I felt a hand on my shoulder which gently squeezed my arm. I cried without sound, the tears just kept flowing. Louis gently hit an arm around me and kneaded through my curls. I could not believe it, it just could not be true. I suddenly felt so empty, so alone, even though I was surrounded by people. I suddenly had a tendency to kick something,  to break something, but my muscles were too weak. I slowly bent down, grabbed the chain with the coin of my neck and hung it over the edge of the picture frame. Then I kissed two fingers and pressed them on the picture of Kristen. Even thoughh I know that she couldn't feel it.

After the speech of the parents of Kristen, it was my turn. For the first time in my life I had nothing prepared, but there wasn't even any feeling of shame. I put my hands behind my back, sat down on the spot in front of the grave and looked at the list with the chain.

"Dear Kristen,

These days with you were like a dream coming true. I don't know if it was your face, your eyes, your voice or your smile, but there was something special about you. You brought out the best in me. For me, you had everything, you had everything my dream girl needed, you were just perfect. I remember you promised to be mine forever, to always be there for me, to never leave me alone. "I sighed and took a bite breath. "But apparently I am alone now and I should do it without you.. All on my own.." I wiped my tears that ran down along my cheeks and felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Dear Kristen, wherever you are. .. Never forget, never ever forget.. that I love you. And you're the only one for me. Seriously the one and only." I saw the coffin slowly sank into the hole. Deep in the ground, in the cold icy ground. I suddenly longed so much for Kristen.  Her arms around me, her smile, her warm breath, her eyes, her lips, just everything. I could not be alone, I could not live without her. All people started to throw rose petals into the grave at the coffin. I turned slowly with my hands in my pockets, towards the park behind the cemetery.

I let myself fall on the wooden bench under the great oak. The leafs fly slowly from the trees and formed a stack next to the bench. I felt alone, sad but also so angry. Why should this be so? Why is she gone? Why is she so far away from me? There weren't any tears left and there was a chill down my spine. The sky was slowly getting dark, and for the first time at five o'clock in the afternoon there were stars. I looked at that star, that star which shines the most. And for the first time I felt her near me again, I felt her presence. I knew when it was time, or when I needed her, that somewhere in the distance she will always wait for me.  "I love you Kristen."