Rambling

14

Elliot ^ Play the song ❤️
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What the hell was he thinking?

Like seriously, what the hell was he doing here?

Civil had asked himself that question before, for many different reasons. Some were because he really didn't know where he was or what he was doing— hungover and lost, others were because he was on the edge of killing himself and he asked why he was doing it. He had always found his reason where roughly the same. However, he had never asked himself for this reason, for being utterly confused about his feelings...for someone.

Civil sat with his hands dug into the sand, the sun blinding him as he sat calmly by the water, watching the waves tickle his toes. The warmth he felt in his body spread throughout every fibre of his being, giving him a sense of calm and purity, he had so rarely felt— aside from the oceans sight. It would have been so peaceful, if it weren't for the fact his heart was racing   violently, he swore the waves mimicked his heart— or vice versa.

So, he asked himself again,

What was he doing?

~ earlier ~

Civil felt his lips quivering, he wasn't sure if it was more in fear or his excitement, but nonetheless his lips quivered as if he had just been dunked under freezing water. His hands slowly slid up strong muscles tenuously, tenderly caressing the blonde locks that felt like liquid gold between his fingers. His lips danced with Elliot's, their lips battling for dominance which he eventually forfeited.

Not that it bothered him much.

It was like a slow dance, their lips moving in a way that used his entire body, the kiss resonating all throughout him. With every second the kiss grew hotter, his breath came in short pants, and the air felt hot. When he felt as if his lungs could no longer take it, their lips broke apart, leaving them both gasping and panting in the small car. Eyes lock, breathing fast, the two of them just sat there with star struck eyes. He was so dazed he couldn't focus on anything else other than Elliot in front of him— and his pink, pink, swollen lips.

It caused his body it ache like he never had before, a fire spreading across his skin.

His eyes flicked between his eyes to his lips, debating on what he was more lost in. As the air settled in the car and the lustful bliss started to pass, he found himself leaning towards Elliot, craving more. Elliot was leaning back and forth, like he too wanted to kiss Civil again. Civil started to think about what had just happened more and more, until his panic rose to an extreme level, realizing what had happened.

"Civil..." Elliot first whispered, but watching Civil's face turn from confusion to horror, his voice became more concerned, "Civil?"

His heart was stammering, he could feel it in his throat, and it hurt. His mind reeled, his thoughts going from nothing to everything in seconds. The same word repeated in his mind, until it screamed in his thoughts.

I can't be gay, I can't. 

"I-I have to go," he rushed, fumbling with the door handle, hoping to escape.

"Civil wait!" Elliot did his best to grab onto Civil, but Civil became like a leach when he was afraid, slippery and impossible to grab onto.

He fled from the car like a stray cat, fleeing into the night. His feet hit the pavement rapidly, watching how the streetlights flew by him as he ran. He couldn't breathe again, and felt his lungs shake. Slowing down, he took a moment and began watching where he ran, realizing he recognized where he was now. Jogging down the street, he rushed towards his house in sight, almost tasting the freedom. He was several steps away from his door, his feet hit the steps, and as he reached for the door, his body was wrenched to a halting stop.