Rambling

15

Have you ever felt like your whole world was ending? That every single thing that happens just feels like it is pushing you closer and closer to the edge, just hoping it will shove you off into the depths of despair.

You feel so damn depressed that you sit there and stare at a wall, just hoping for anything to end the pain? That's how I feel all the time. There are moments when I feel ok, where I can get myself up and function, then there is the rest of the time; when I can't breathe and my depression is so bad I can't tell up from down and I need to punch a fucking wall.

That's what it feels like to be me, stuck in a rut of failures and mistakes, and wrong conclusions. Trying to avoid this pain led me to horrible things, simple scratches to full on cuts, Tylenol to marijuana, pop to alcohol; anything to make the empty feeling pass.

They never lasted long, and soon it would come back around again. My mother, my mistakes, everything that I should have done that I managed to fuck up every fucking time, it's always there.

If your lucky, you find something that eases the pain. Poppy, eases my pain, so does Brock. They take away the lonely feeling surrounding my heart, and I'm left with my anxiety about screwing up everything.

Then, Elliot...
He takes everything away, even my fears.

Elliot makes my mind spin and he puts me in a place of complete confusion, and I don't know what he hell I am supposed to do about it. My mother would have told me to go for what makes me happy,

The storm will pass.

But that was when I was a kid and talked about the girl I had a crush on.

Her name was Cindy, and she was one of my best friends growing up. It was the gang all together, we always hung out, talked, and just goofed off together at school and at home. I was closest to Caleb, who lived next door to me growing up. We were all inseparable; Caleb, Cindy, Connor, Luther, Joe, and Daniel. I would have never traded them for anything in the world.

I remember the first time I confessed my feelings for Cindy. Everyone else was outside Joe's house in her pool, and Cindy and I were in the kitchen getting popsicles.

"Cindy," I said, nervous as hell.

"Yeah?" She said so causally, sucking the pop sickle so seductively his young mind wondered.

"I like you,"

I thought at the time she wouldn't have understood, but she just said me too and ran off after Caleb. Even the first time we kissed, it was just a quick, dare. It didn't even count, but it did to me at the time.

I was totally into her, and I thought she was into me. I was certain we would become something more, even got blessing from my other friends to date her.

Our friendships never died. We all made a pack, that I would get Cindy and that Connor could get Joe, and Caleb could have Daniel. We were kids, but back then, we were everything.

That however, was when my mom got sick.

Things changed so suddenly, so drastically, I was just a kid, how was I supposed to cope with losing my mother? I did what every young man did, tried to handle it all on my own, and never told anyone. I started skipping school more, stopped seeing my friends, stopped everything.

Of course I couldn't just stop. My friends knew something was wrong, and they started to push. They started to ask and show up at his house without permission, especially Caleb.