Rambling

18

Based off of: Younger Caleb ^^^
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I don't know what time it is.

I know it is late, and that I am tired. Words seem foreign to my eyes, speech is irrelevant, and containing inhuman thoughts seems impossible. It's one of those times, where I don't know what to feel, I feel numb inside, like god had hit pause on my emotions and now I am left feeling nothing when I know I should. Where did my feelings go?

Why the fuck does this happen? I don't try to be heartless, but fuck, I feel nothing. For days, I have felt nothing but agony and numbness, and it fucking kills me.

If this doesn't kill me, I will first.

Civil's eyes felt dull, heavy drapes that were held down by sticks and rocks. The bags under his eyes were darker than the bruises on his wrists from rubbing them so much. He was laying back on his bed, tears running down from his burning eyes, his mind blurry and twisted, unable to stop the unnatural flow of bad thoughts that clouded his judgement.

Civil felt sick, tired and numb. He hated everything that had happened, and wanted nothing more than to drop dead. How could he have forgotten the date? September 17th, Caleb's birthday, his ex-best friend. Civil tried so hard to forget, he tried, but how could he ever forget how much he had fucked up?

Then after all of that, Elliot.

Running into him at the beach was the worst thing he could have done. He didn't want to see him, he just wanted to get some air, but the beach was busy and then Gabe has run into Civil's legs, and then Elliot. He just wanted some damn air, he didn't want to have this conversation today.

However, he had to.

Elliot had explained about what had happened between him and Jenny, that he didn't know how to tell her no without making her suspicious, that she just came over and walked into his room and threw herself at him. He did stop her, but not right away.

How is that ok?

Elliot said he was sorry, that he wouldn't let it ever get that far, that he was just adjusting to things.

Was Civil just a fool?

"Civil...I'm serious," Elliot said, grabbing his face, "I'm serious about us, i know that I fucked up, but I just was afraid. I'm not use to being with a guy, but it's worth it. I...I want us to be exclusive, ok?"

Civil just stared, blankly at Elliot. During his speech, Civil had stayed emotionless. His mind was else where, he was tired, sore, and hungover. All he wanted was to just sleep and never wake up. He had finally met Elliot's eyes, and his face dropped.

"Civil...what happened?" He murmured, talking a step closer.

He reached slowly and touched Civil's wrist, causing a jolt of pain throughout his arm, making him hiss. Elliot's face tee even more worried, and he tried to grab ahold of Civil.

"Don't," he spat, and Elliot froze.

He looked surprised, and just blinked in confusion.

"Civil..." he tried again, but Civil wasn't having any of it.

"You know what just don't, ok. Fuck Jenny for all I care, just leave me alone," His voice was so detached, it amazed him at how calmly the words came.

The hurt look on Elliot's face didn't even faze him, "Civil what the fuck," he snapped.

Civil turned on his heels, shaking his head, "just leave me alone Elliot," he growled, and stomped away.