Crazy In Love (Crushing Hard Series Book 1)

Dear Diary 24/05/2012

**21:15 PM**

Something is bothering me, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I feel unsettled, like I’m waiting for something to happen or that I’ve missed some crucial moment. But let me update you.

Last Saturday, I got completely wasted—like, beyond recognition. I made Amy drink a lot as well, and we were those obnoxious drunk girls who could ruin the night for everyone, but damn, we had fun. We sang Alicia Keys songs and cried over Whitney Houston. In those moments, we professed our love for each other, and she confided in me about her crush on Scott’s best friend, Kevin. Meanwhile, I was fuming at Scott for playing happy families with Cassandra at the bonfire, all snuggly and cuddly. I couldn’t believe this was the same guy who had declared his love for me just 24 hours earlier! He was seriously messed up, and I made sure to tell him that when he stopped me and Amy from going swimming in the ocean at night.

"Don't touch me!" I snapped when he grabbed me around the waist to pull me away from the water. The sound of the waves drowned out my voice from the others, who were further back. He had Amy on his other arm.

"C'mon, Thandi. You're going to drown," he said, trying to grab me again.

"Come, Thandi... go, Thandi. Let's be friends, Thandi... no, let's be kissing friends, Thandi," I slurred, and Amy erupted in laughter from the other side.

"You're confusing Thandi, Scott," Amy said, her eyes unfocused and dreamy.

"I am, huh?" He didn’t seem phased by our drunken antics.

“Amy, Amy—” hiccup, “—he’s going to go bang his girlfriend tonight because that’s all they do: bang, ba—” hiccup, “—ng. How does that make me feel?” Tears welled in my eyes.

"Shhhh, don’t, my friend." Amy tried to hug me, her movements sluggish. We stumbled back to the others, and then Scott went to his girlfriend, another sharp stab to my heart.

When Dean came to pick me up, he was annoyed by my drunkenness, and even less pleased when I had to throw up out the window. He was not impressed. I was already feeling vulnerable, so I started ranting about Jessica, saying he’d fall all over her if she were throwing up, but since it was me—the “poor slob”—he didn’t care.

"I'm sorry you’re with the wrong girl. I’m sorry I’m not her," I glared at him, probably looking a mess.

"What the fuck are you talking about? You really shouldn’t drink if you can’t handle your alcohol, Thandeka," he snapped, clearly annoyed.

I wondered why he and Scott used my full name when they were upset with me.

"Yeah, well, suck my dick," I muttered under my breath before drifting off to sleep.

When I woke up, it was light outside. Dean had brought me back to his house, and we were in the guest room. I was wearing one of his shirts, and he lay next to me, fully clothed in jeans and a white tee, but his shoes were off. He was snoring gently on his stomach. I went to shower, and when I came back, I decided I needed to thank him for taking care of me. I woke him up with a string of soft kisses.

“Well, good morning to you too,” he said, his eyes still closed but a smile creeping onto his face.

Still feeling the ache over Scott, I attempted to seduce Dean. But he refused me. I have never felt so rejected and unwanted in my entire life.

“Dean, are you serious?” I whispered, wanting to curl up and disappear.

“I’m just not in the mood,” he mumbled. Mind you, I was on top of him, wearing only a towel.

“Dean, it’s all you’ve wanted since we started dating. Today I’m offering it to you, and you refuse? Do you not love me anymore?” I asked, my heart breaking.

“Of course I love you, Thandeka,” Dean sputtered. “I just want it to be special for you.”

“Okay, Dean.” I scrambled off him, feeling like nobody wanted me—not Dean, not Scott. Nobody.

After I dressed in my jeans from the night before and a clean baggy t-shirt of Dean's, we headed to the main house for breakfast with his family. Everything seemed normal, but I couldn’t look at Dean. He tried to hold my hand under the table, but I pulled away. My heart was shattered. He dropped me off at home to change before taking me to Caitlin’s house. I love spending time with Caitlin; she’s such a positive influence in my life.

It was a warm day, and her brother, who’s about 16, joined us at the pool. Later, we lounged on the trampoline, soaking up the sun. Caitlin even fell asleep, but I had to wake her because I don’t tan—I burn. Then we watched Disney, and Camp Rock 2 was on. It was such a chill day, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t think about Dean or wonder what Scott was up to. It felt liberating.

At dinner, we had chicken mayo rolls, and I kept expecting someone to start cooking a proper meal, but it never happened. At home, dinner is always hearty—rice, phuthu, samp—food that will keep you full for the next day.

The week passed uneventfully, except for one crazy incident. I walked into the prefect room to find my brother and Mzi attacking my lunch, consoling each other about how I wouldn’t miss the chicken they were scarfing down because I supposedly don’t eat. They were literally stealing my lunch! When I confronted them, Mzi picked me up and tossed me into the big bin outside the prefect room. I was too short to climb out, and everyone thought it was hilarious. I was not amused. I had to wait for Cameron, who’s tall and strong, to help me out because he was the only one who felt bad for me. Thankfully, Scott wasn’t there to witness my humiliation since he and Cassandra had foyer duty. But I’m sure they heard all about it in Afrikaans. FML.

I’ve seen Dean every day lately, and I’ve started to notice that we... how do I say this? The only thing we have in common is each other—how we make each other feel. That’s it. But when we try to talk, it’s like we’re speaking a completely different language. I can’t help but wonder if that’s a bad sign. Is this what love is? I don’t know anything anymore, but I know he’s not someone I want to let go of. Arrrrgghhh, it’s all so complicated.

Today, we’re going to my dad’s because it’s my little sister’s birthday on Sunday. Hooray. My dad is a different kind of human being, and I just hope he doesn’t piss me off. Oh, I need the loo. Talk later.

Goodnight.

Lotsa love.