Crazy In Love (Crushing Hard Series Book 1)

Dear Diary 07/06/2012

13:45 PM

We’re in the midst of writing our mid-year exams, and I can hardly focus. We finish up and close for the holidays on the 15th, then we’re back on the 9th of July. And right after that, it’s the Matric Dance! But honestly, I’m feeling pretty upset with Scott right now. He’s been putting off breaking up with Cassandra because he doesn’t want to stress her out while she’s dealing with exams. But what about me? It’s perfectly fine for him to stress me out.

The only consolation I have is that he hasn’t spent any alone time with her during this period. He told her they should focus on studying for exams, and while that’s not entirely untrue, the time he’s supposed to be studying is actually spent with me. We try to get some studying done, but let’s be real—most of the time, we end up making out like typical teenagers in love. It’s a distraction that keeps my mind off the fact that I’m the other woman and that he’s prioritizing Cassandra's feelings over mine.

When I’m at home, the reality of the situation sinks in, and I get so worked up and angry. But when I see him, all those feelings seem to fade away. It’s like magic, but sometimes, I have to fight really hard against those dark, insecure thoughts creeping in. I know it’s too soon for him to see me get angry or upset, so I keep it all bottled up inside.

But I can’t help but wonder how long I can maintain this facade. I can feel the pressure building, and I know that it’s going to come out in an ugly way if I don’t find a way to release it soon.

The taxi is here, and I’m off to Scott’s house to “study.” Talk later.

A little later

So, today was... a whirlwind. Let me just tell you that I am back home, and I met Scott's mother. It’s safe to say that she doesn’t like me.

I was helping Scott study in the living room, and I was having one of those days where I was completely enamored by him. Sometimes, I get completely taken aback by how beautiful he is, and everything he does just takes my breath away.

I love everything about him. I love the way the hair at the nape of his neck sticks up after he runs his fingers through it—he does it a lot when he’s thinking hard about something. I love the way the corners of his eyes crease when he smiles, and he smiles a lot when I talk. There’s always that lovely flush of pink on his cheeks that makes him look even more charming. I adore the veins on his arms and how soft the hair is there. When he laughs hard, his eyes get so small, and it’s one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. I love how he blinks rapidly when he’s listening intently to what I’m saying, as if he’s soaking in every word. And oh, those lips—how soft they look and feel.

As we sat there, supposedly studying, I couldn’t believe he was actually mine. I would pretend to focus on the books, but I couldn’t resist sneaking glances at him. Sometimes, I caught him sneaking looks at me too, and he would blush when I caught him. It was all so sweet, but it led me to wonder what he could possibly see in me.

I mean, I understand why some guys find me attractive, but Scott was as white as they come. I know I’m beautiful—I have light skin, thick legs like Beyoncé’s, and full pouty lips that pucker just right. But I didn’t have blonde or brunette hair, and I didn’t have blue eyes. I was just me.

“Fuck, Thandi. Can you stop? I can’t concentrate on shit.”

His sudden outburst took me by surprise.

“What did I do?” I asked innocently, genuinely confused.

“How can I focus on Macbeth when you keep staring at me? Now all I want to do is kiss you until we both can’t see straight.”