Expectations // Soukoku

9 // Not one bit

He didn't like the feelings he was starting to develop, not one bit

.... FRIDAY UPDATE BUT IT'S LATE LOVE THAT

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Dazai stared at the clock on this dull white wall. His eyes grew tired as he continued watching it tick. Soon enough his eyelids got too heavy to keep open and he fell asleep.

Then, a gasp was heard and Dazai jumped up, covered in sweat, his chocolate brown hair all over the place. He looked down at his bandage-covered arms and his eyes travelled up to his palms. The bandages just about reached his thumb and after that, you could see pale and rather uncared skin. It definitely showed that he really lacked in self-care.

As he stared at his palm memories of his dream came back. The image that stood out was him on the beach walking with Chuuya when the ginger took his hand and started excitingly dragging him somewhere. More specifically, Chuuya holding his hand. That was what was making him boil inside. Not because he hated Chuuya, but because inside he craved for that touch. Inside him, there was something that wanted that dream to be true, and wished he could hold that soft hand in reality as well. But he immediately shook off that thought. His head fell to his chest and he grabbed a handful of his hair, pulling it in frustration.

Why did he feel this way?

Chuuya was a man. He shouldn't feel this way. No, he couldn't feel this way. His parents would never let him.

He locked that feeling in a box in his heart and buried it away, hoping it would just disappear like a cold in autumn. He refused to accept it. Instead, he refused it and denied it.

Dazai looked up from his misery on the bed at the clock. It was at 5 am. It had only been about 20 minutes since he had fallen asleep staring at the very same clock. He decided to crawl out of bed and slowly made his way to the bathroom. As he approached the mirror he could see his messy figure in the mirror. His eyes lacked the spark they once had in them when he was a child, his hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in days and the dark bags below his eyes definitely completed the look that proved he had been getting very little sleep the entire weekend. Similar dreams and thoughts had been bothering him through every night and day.

He brushed his fingers through his hair in an attempt to make it look decent and settled for what little difference it did.

Time went by and soon he was in the hallways of his school. People rushed to classes around him while he calmly walked towards the maths classroom. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Dazai", Chuuya said in a serious tone and Dazai immediately turned to look at him. "Where have you been I tried to reach you yesterday but you wouldn't answer? And why do you look like that?" Chuuya went on asking questions but Dazai's eyes wandered to Chuuya's hands. Everything he was saying was drowned out by the memories of the dreams flooding in. "Dazai? Hey, Dazai!"

He finally snapped out of it. "Oh, yeah, sorry I spaced out. What were you saying?"

Chuuya sighed and crossed his arms in frustration. 'Cute' Said something inside Dazai but he mentally slapped himself. "Nothing, forget it. At this rate, I'll lose the bet." Chuuya said grumpily.