The bus came to a sudden stop and I sighed. My insomnia interferred yet again last night, causing dark bags beneath my eyes, to unortunately appear. I had no motivation whatsoever today, and also a massive headache due to my lack of sleep last night.
I shouldn't be here.
I glanced up at the groups as they walked onto the bus, looking for availible seats. None of them even noting my presence. But who would? I'm just a sad loner girl, who was tired, due to my inability to sleep last night.
I felt my heart beat faster as I noticed Charlie jump on to the bus. I tried to look away, and focus on the floor like usual, but I couldn't help my eyes as they traced back over to his beautiful self. He shoved his bus pass back inside his pocket of his black skinny jeans, and followed his friends further down the bus. He looked over in my direction, smiling as our eyes met, before he continued to walk again.
He smiled at me. His beautiful smile, with dimples formed either side of his mouth. I had to contain my smile that was threatening to form on my lips. Then I remembered what Darcy had previously said about boys finding it attractive, but it was too late. He was gone. The smile meant nothing. Happiness still over-flowed me, the thought that Charlie had remembered me, and took his time to smile at me.
It did disappoint me that the moment didn't last a few seconds longer. Maybe he smiled at me because he noticed me staring at him, and felt the need to be polite. That was obviously the reason, because why would someone take their valuable time and waste it on a smile for me? Exactly, no-one would.
I wasn't worthy enough for Charlie. He deserved the best, and not a pile of trash like me.
-
"Autumn, please help me." Darcy whined, as she tapped her pencil against the blank page of her maths book. "How the hell am I suppose to know the value of x? How do you understand things that are so bloody hard!"
I forced a giggled, then leaned over to my friend. "If you were texting Jake, and focusing more on your education, then maybe you'd find it easier. You're actually complicating it!" I observed. "You're adding more steps in, and why are you adding numbers when you should be removing them?" I questioned, forcing yet another laugh out of my mouth.
"Thanks Autumn, you're the best." Darcy smiled, erasing the whole equation and re-starting.
I gazed down at my squared page of my math book and sighed. I wasn't the best, in fact I was probably the worst. The was nothing special about me, and I certainly wasn't 'the best'.
I know I needed to stop thinking negatively, but it was an automatic reflex whenever someone handed me a compliment. No-one had ever made me feel special, so why should I believe them?
"Mr. Jones can you please explain you Miss Hilton why it is completely unnecesassairy to have your phone switched on in class?" Our Maths teacher Mr. Grew spoke, looking directly at Darcy who's phone was singing 'Why'd Do You Only Call Me When You're High; by 'The Arctic Monkeys'.
Mr Grew only ever adressed people by their surnames in the maths class, and I felt sorry for whoever 'Mr Jones' was. It was a rarity that people were in trouble in this class, and well when they're were caught, it was extremely unpleasant, for everyone in the class.
Everyone's eyes wondered towards Darcy at the back, as she declined the call, blushing bright red, I assumed it was Jake that was calling her, due to the fact he can barely leave her alone at the moment.
I then realised that 'Mr Jones' was in fact Charlie, as he cleared his throat, and placed his eyes on to an uninterested Darcy. "Phones are disruptive towards the lesson." He smirked, facing back to the front.
Mr Grew nodded in approval, and Charlie smiled proudly to his partner next to him, laughing. I couldn't help but laugh inwardly either. He'd then occassionally bite or lick his lower lip, knowing exactly what triggers to pull inside me.
"I'll see you in a detention Miss Hilton." Sir demanded, slipping Darcy a red detention card, and clasping her iPhone in the palm of his hand, before sauntering back over to the whiteboard, and waiting for silence from the rest of the class.
My greens eyes met Charlie's blue ones, and I felt a crowd of butterflies appear inside of my stomach, but surprisingly I couldn't break the gaze, and Charlie appeared that he didn't want to either. His eyes glistened different tones of blue, gradually deepening the closer they got to his large pupils, his eyes were one of my favourite things he owned.
In one quick movement, his moistured his bottom lip with his tongue, and winked at me, before returning his gaze back to the whiteboard.
I felt my insides numb, and the whole of my outside turn to jelly. Charlie winked at me. The excitement inside was hard to contain, and I felt a genuine smile appear on to my lips, and remaining there for a solid minute, or less. Why would Charlie even do such a thing like that to me, he actually winked at me, and I could barely even believe it. But it happened, and I witnessed it.
This had to be one of the happiest moments of my life.
"Remind me to kill Jake later, okay?" Darcy sighed, scribbling down another equation which I helped her to solve.
"Why? I thought you fancied him?" I asked, finishing the last equation from the maths book.
"I was being sarcastic!" She chuckled. "He's the reason I got a detention, and that's minus ten points, and if I keep getting them because of him, I wont be able to go to prom." She explained, completing the equation.
"Oh yeah, because you definitely haven't got enough points already to go to prom!" I exclaimed.
"If I loose them because of him, I will kill him!" She giggled. "He's walking back with us after school today, so you can meet him then." Darcy smiled.
-
"Autumn this is Jake." She smiled, pointing at a familiar looking boy, who gave me a cheery smile, one in which I failed to return.
I then finally realised, he was the boy on the bus with Charlie, I recognised the stretchers lurking in his ears. He was one of Charlie friends.
"I remember you, Reece asked where you got your top from." He replied smiling widely.
"So where abouts do you live? Like not in a creepy way, I was just wondering if you lived near by because you're walking home, so I'm presumed you must live near us, I don't mean t-"
"Woah okay I get it! Yeah I literally live on the opposite street from you." He interrupted, laughing at my little panic ramble.
I tend to panic, when I think that someone might misunderstand me, and think of me as some sort of creep. I looked down at my feet, "Sorry" I apologised.
"No need to be sorry. I'm actually going to Charlie's house today, we have band practise." As soon as Jake spoke Charlie's name, I felt my heart gradually beat faster.
"So why aren't you walking with him? Not that I mind you walking with u-" I began, but stopped myself as I noticed both Jake and Darcy laughing again as I went off on one of my little rambles.
"I don't actually know. I thought it'd be nice to get some fresh air I guess, and not be cooped on the bus again. It's a set thing really, every Thursday we meet at his after school." Jake shrugged as he explained.
"Oh Darcy!" I chirped in. "Remember to kill Jake." I laughed, and so did Darcy, but Jake was oblivious to what was happening, so he raised an eyebrow, and shoved his hands inside the pockets of his ripped skinny jeans.
Darcy then playfully whacked him around the arm, and Jake pretended to be hurt, rubbing over the red patch that Darcy had just created. "You got me a detention today, jerk! I got in trouble with Mr Grew. What the hell was so important that you needed to ring me?" She squabbled on to Jake, as if they were already dating.
Jake laughed. "I was bored, and Charlie was too busy sending flirtatous messages to Rosie. So he was ignoring me, everytime I did try to text him, he'd tell me to go away."
"Nice knowing I was your last resort." Darcy teased.
"Who the heck is Rosie?" I piped in, eager to know who this girl was that obviously meant something to Charlie.
Jake groaned, allowing his head to fall back. "Uh, she's Charlie's annoying ex-girlfriend." The amount of jealously was constantly building up inside of me before Jake began to continue. "He's completely tripping over her. He can't get enough of her."
I let my head drop to the ground. The thought of Charlie liking someone which wasn't me, that hurt like a ton of bricks, I wanted to scream. I knew he would never think about me like that, he was too polite to people. I needed to understand that I was just a sad and lonely Autumn, who will be forever known as a reject.
I just wanted to be home right now, and tucked up underneath the covers of my bed. I thought the moment we shared on the bus was enough for Charlie to remember me by. I knew my hopes were too high, I lacked in self-confidence, which is one thing I bet Rosie thrived in. I'd kill to be as confident as Darcy was around Jake. Maybe then Charlie and I would share more moments.
But I haven't. Whilst I think of Charlie, Charlie thinks of Rosie, and that's one thing I'm going to have to accept.
Charlie will never love me the same way I love him
