Red Rose (Harry Styles Fanfiction a.u)

Chapter 8

June 16th 2015

It’s been 7 months since I have seen him and every day I fell alone, when someone you love has left there is a feeling of missing a part of yourself. Like one who has had a limb removed, you constantly reach for the phantom lover. I wish for this uncomfortable feeling to leave so I can function properly. However, the truth is that the place in my heart feels a sense of lacking represents the whole where our relationship goes. Is it natural to that I miss him, the one belonging in my life?

I grabbed my note book and pen that sat in front of me and decided to write for him, hoping that one day I could give this to him.

 

Dear Harry,

I'm so tired of this empty feeling
I'm so tired of being alone
I lay here staring at the ceiling
waiting by the phone

I jump when the phone rings
It brings a smile to my face
When it he who doesn’t ring

I feel empty

And I sink back into my lonely place


I yearn for his kisses
His touch - His embrace
I can't wait for These days
When I get to see his face

I'm flooded with thoughts of him
In my heart, soul, and mind
I imagine his touch
So gentle and kind

I cry a thousand tears
And think - how much more can I take?
But in my heart I know I'd wait a thousand years
all for love's sake

I’m hoping right now that I can give this to you one day and pray that I see you once more, if it’s all that helps with the pain then please someone grant me this.

I love you.

*Current*

I couldn’t sleep, every time I tried closing my eyes I was scared that he would disappear again. I’m laying here thinking about that letter I wrote and how much emotions it holds. It was so hard writing that letter. I remember breaking down so many times, that page is stained by my tears.

I decided to get up and make Harry and me a coffee as it was quarter past 7 in the morning and I know him well that he will be up soon for a coffee. As I turned the kettle on I went searching for the letter. When I found it hidden away in boxes of Harry’s stuff I brought back out to the kitchen and set it next to his cup.

I waited for what felt like hours but it was merely just minutes. He walked down humming like he used to, I enjoyed it. He smiled and grabbed the cup, noticing the note he grabbed it and raised an eyebrow at me “It was written for you nearly a year ago now “I told him. I sat there and watched him as he read the note. Hoping this wouldn’t turn anything awkward.

Once he was finished he put the note down and walked over to me and rested his palms against my cheeks. “Clary I’m so sorry “he cried, I seen tears cascading down his cheeks. Never have I seen him this venerable “I love you baby, and nothing ever is going to hurt you like that again I promise “I nodded almost in tears myself. “ I’m never going to leave my beautiful girl again, I never want to see you cry. I want happy tears “he told me running a thumb under my eyes trying to rid my tears that I didn’t notice were escaping. “ I love you Harry “that’s the first time I have told him “I wish I told you earlier. He smiled sweetly at me “I love you “he said before kissing me softly.

It felt so right, having him in my home again. Listening to his humming and the way he loves his morning coffees.

We both on the couch talking about the past 2 years, but he hasn’t told me much at all. “Harry why did you leave?” I asked. He sighed looking down at his hands “I got into some money trouble “he mumbled. I looked at him worried “how Harry, I gave you money all the time and you got money as well “ I told him, he looked at  me deeply in the eyes “ if I tell you please don’t look at me any differently, I still love you “ he told me and that’s where I started to worry “ what did you do ?” I asked scared.

He grabbed both of my hands I’m guessing to comfort me, “ After we found out about the baby I think I sort of lost it, I went out drinking but it turned into more than drinking I started doing drugs and that’s why I never showed up to see you anymore “ he continued “ after a few weeks of drinking and drugs I ran out of money and the guy who I got it off started hunting me down and that’s why I asked you for money, but I realized that it was to dangerous for me to stick around so I left and sort of started my life again “.

I didn’t know what to say, I just sat there staring at him “why couldn’t you tell me all this back then, I’m your girlfriend “I told him, “How much money was it?”. Hesighed“£5000 “.

I stood up from the couch “you’re crazy Harry, how could you use that much in a short amount of time were you actually trying to kill yourself?” I yelled “. He stood up as well “ Yeah maybe I was “ he snapped back, this isn’t Harry “ I lost my child and I didn’t even know I had one until it was gone “ he yelled “ you have no idea how it feels to find that out after someone lost it “. I stood there sadly “I didn’t even know Harry until it was too late as well, so don’t go and make me the bad person “. He shook his head “I stayed with you night after night comforting you and not once did you ask how I was, not once did you comfort me “. I groaned “it’s because you showed no feelings towards me to show me you were hurting “. He just sighed “Whatever “he snapped and walked towards the door “Are you leaving again!” I screamed at him “leave like you always do, that’s what you do best isn’t it “I yelled.

He turned around to me looking furious “I left to keep you safe “. I just shook my head “I wasn’t safe harry, I was hurt and lost. I lost the love of my life, I thought you were fucking dead “I yelled in his face. He just stood there staring at me “well sorry for trying “he said softly before opening the door and walking out.

I stood there staring at the closed door in front of me, Harry just walked out. Maybe we aren’t meant to be, maybe trying to fix what we had nearly 2 years ago was a first love crush. We aren’t meant to be together, he left and I tried living.

But I’ll always love him.