Athena

Aftermath

 

      We make the 2 hour drive to my apartment where I'm sure they wont find us, thankfully we've always paid rent in cash and it's a month to month thing so no contract. It's not really big but its home to me and there's nowhere I'd rather be then here. Sure it's not the safest building, I'm surrounded by drunks and women who either choose or have no choice but to use there body to pay for there necessities.  I mean I'm not judging, you got to do what you got to do to make it threw and if thats what they had to do and they were brave enough to do it then good for them I'm sure if there was anything better lining up they would take it. They are very lovely women I've gotten the chance to chat with a couple of them and even though I wouldn't advise any of them to do what they do and I dont applaud it I'm proud that they haven't given up yet, that they found a seasonal job to get by with until they can do better or I hope that's the case.

  You would think after spending my first night here I would have wanted to move but it was the complete opposite  the drunken people that walk the halls in the middle of the night bring me a sence of home they remind me of my father. And the grunts and pleasure filled screams during the day, it may be wrong to say this but, bring me comfort.

  Its sick I know me finding this sort of surrounding relaxing but it is what it is. Some like peace and quiet, some like the sound of cars driving by but I find the screams and bangs on the wall are what helps me sleep at night. It keeps me from thinking over and over that I'm messed up. To see other people are as messed up as I am brings me calmness. It might not be in the same way but that doesn't change the fact that they are. I mean not 2 people are the same, wich mean that we all have our problem and there is no way to measure what a truly good person is.

And even If there was it's just an idea of what some think it should be.

  I make my way into my one bedroom apartment and instantly drop on my small black loveseat and a couple of  seconds later Ruben falls next to me. I in no way feel hurt, burden or wronged because I always expect the worst in people, who I didnt expect it from was Vegas and that makes me mad. Mad at myself for trusting him, mad that I let my guard down, mad that he took advantage of my vulnerability and did with me what he needed to do then tossed me aside. I get caught up in my thought and my anger starts to grow in me the idea of going back there and telling Vegas exactly how I feel doesn't really seem like a bad one right now but the point of me leaving is so that I could get away and feel safe again. I knew from the moment I stepped foot in that house that something was wrong. But I let the child inside me make the decision of actually meeting the one guy that Ally talked so well of, the one guy she had glorified for so many years. I wanted that, I wanted to be able to feel what she felt to have a man that wanted to love and care for me in the most inocent way posible, I wanted a brother and for wanting I let my guard down a mistake I will never make again.

  The way our needs and wants cloud our judgment is almost comical. We practically loose some humanity if not all trying to achieve the act of getting what ever it is we wanted. People have come as far as killing each other for that same reason for wanting or needing either or. I would say it all falls in the same category but it doesn't yet people make that small mistake they categorize want and need as one and the same but they are not. When something is needed there is really nothing you can do but get it, it is something required, an essential or very important thing, two examples water and oxygen.  For as when wanting something you can go with out but for some selfish reason you desire to possess or acquire what ever it is that has caught your attention making you act irrationally, two examples material and fame. All 4 things very much talked about alot yet two of them being the most important.

   I let my want cloud my need and that almost cost me but like I've said before time and time again we need to learn to balance things, yes I put my want over my needs before but how do I know I'm not doing it again. I wanted to leave so fast I didnt acknowledge the fact that there was a conversation that needed to be had, I don't feel they deserve the benefit of the doubt but if I dont at least get an answer as to why he would turn on his family like this it might just eat at me.