This is a Safe Place.

12/02/19 - Family Issues

I feel like I haven't written in forever yet i actually, just recently have. It must be the change from 11, November, to 12, December, in the title or something.

Anyways, recently a lot has been going on and I feel like a wimp and a poser, here's why:

So take it back to a few days ago when my parents first started having issues for what feels like the thousandth time this year... nothing was even happening that day but my mom came home and then my dad did shortly after and by the end if the night, it was like they were mortal enemies. My mom, threatening divorce, screaming, crying all at my dad, keep in mind, I have no clue what had just happened, I'm only judging the situation from how I see it. So, my dad just stands there, he's like me in that way, when shit gets real, shut down. I honestly feel for my dad, I mean, he has done nothing to provoke her at all, she's just like this sometimes and I've tried to point that out to him yet he still feels like everything is his fault and he has to bow down to her and I don't want that for him.

So two days ago, Saturday, shit got really real. I was planning on doing something out of the house that my dad was gonna take me to and we were to leave the house at 1:30. So, of course my dad invites my mom, no big deal I guess, and asks ME to text her and ask her if she wants to go. So she doesn't respond and it's almost time to go so my dad goes and asks her. Anyways, time passed, 1:00, 1:15, 1:20, and it gets to 1:30. They're still in the bedroom talking. So, I make the descision to completely ditch going to lunch before the plans, now we've gotta leave at 2:30. It gets to 2:30 and I eventually head into the hallway and knock on the door, that goes terrible, my mom gushes about all of shit that my dad has done wrong and I just sit there and cry, what else am I to do in that situation though? So they both leave and I call off the plans and then my mom comes back. She basically yells at ME for putting her marriage "at stake", and something about how "I always do this". At that point I was pretty heartbroken so I didnt really care what else she had to say that's my fault but actually not. She then says "I don't know what to do, but what do you want to happen? Do you want me to move out or your dad to? It's up to you." In a completely calm voice like nothing just took place at all. I just sat there, what am I supposed to say? "Oh yeah, hey mom, get the fuck out you're a terrible person." Or "Oh, dad, yeah pack your shit, it's time to hit the road, pal."

Let's skip forward to Sunday. Now, here's when I really get into how I'm being dragged into my mother's "marriage issues". Basically my dad got up early doing chores, cool, it's all fine, then my mom comes in while he's in the garage. So she came out into the kitchen and grabbed a muti-tool off the table and goes "is this yours?", It's not so I say "no, I think it's yours" and she says "oh, i thought dad gave it to you" then I'm like "nope, mine isnt over there" so she goes "ya know, out of all of the people in this house, I put away the most shit, yet somehow it's always mine" then goes out into the garage, comes back and litterally says (I shit you not) "Your father can't fix his marriage so he's fixing the house." Like, what the fuck? Okay. I've had people say she shouldn't have said that last part to me but what do you guys think?

Then, last night her and my dad were yelling at each other all freaking day and then she says to me. "It's not your fault." AFTER EVERYTHING YOUVE SAID, IT ISNT MY FAULT!?

I'm pissed and now I feel like a poser because I act fine at school, then I vent to people about what's going on, and they say I'm lying. I also feel like im being forced to take sides and like I'm not even treated like a human being, maybe they love me but people who love you wouldn't throw you into their issues and use you as a shield. I'm just saying.