This is a Safe Place.

2/11/20, 4 months, The World Is Ugly But You're Beautiful To Me

Maybe I'm too preoccupied with the hole my mom has dug me into with money issues and my depression, maybe it's substance abuse illegal or legal, which I think is a pretty big part of it, maybe it's cutting or burning myself, mutilating my skin wherever and whenever I can, some form of self destruction, something that brings me pain, which I think is also a large part of it, maybe it's me trying desperately to claw myself out of the coffin I've put myself in six feet under cold, wet dirt... but whatever it is, I'd give anything to change the past four months.

I wouldn't want to change everything of course. I definitely wouldn't change any of my time with you, all of that has been perfect, or at least good enough to fill my head with happy things and good memories. However, I would change me.

First off, I would be sober all the time, make myself not rely on substances to be fully "happy" or make myself seem happy to the outside world. Second off, I wouldn't destroy my body in any way I could find, at all, no nothing. I guess I could just leave it at that second one, couldn't I? It's kind of the "big thing", the running theme if you will.

The past two years up until a few months ago can be summed up into one word... hell. Now, of course I caused all of it, that makes me careless and selfish, that makes me awful, that makes me a piece of shit, that makes me a sad excuse of a human being... but I want to take it all away. If I had the option to go back in time two years ago, I would, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to.

If everything in the past two years hadn't happened, had been taken back, I would've never transferred to HHS. I would've been at the same prep school, wasting my life away still. Then, if I hadn't have transferred to HHS, I wouldn't have met you, which, if I was out of your life, you might be happier, but I know I wouldn't be, maybe that makes me even more selfish, maybe that says that I only care about myself, and not you, but I care more about you than I care about life itself. If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't have wanted to kill myself... okay, that sounds bad, you weren't the reason I wanted to kill myself, I had a lot going on inside this pea brain of mine, the fact of the matter though, if I hadn't have wanted to kill myself, I don't think you would've shown up in my life like you did. I don't think you would've saved me by asking that innocent little question of yours, now would you have?

Becuase I've met you, becuase you're now a part of my world that I cant take out, becuase you're now all think about happily, I can't get you off my mind.

The world is terrible, it's bad, people are shit, it sucks, it's ugly. I hate it here, okay?

However, through all this shit, you've been the bright light in my life for these past four months.

You're amazing, you're cute, you're nice and kind, you're empathetic, you're smart, you're caring, you're beautiful.

Thank you for these past four months.

"The world is ugly, but you're beautiful to me."