To Love Somebody

21. saudade

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saudade - a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; the love that remains

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"You're a cute little baby." Misha cuddled her daughter closer. "So beautiful." She muttered as her voice trailed off. "Just like...your dad." She whispered.

At eight months old, her daughter's resemble to Zander was uncanny.

It only reminded her how much she still missed him. As much as she tried to convince herself, at times, she still found herself wishing that he would come home. Back to her.

Even though they had already divorced, something Misha refused to waver on, she couldn't stop herself from missing him. He was everywhere.

The truth she had ignored for the past few months, she could no longer ignore. Not as Zander stopped by every evening to see his daughter. Not when he spent Saturdays, sometimes even hinting that he still had feelings for her.

The truth – the truth was she loved him so much that it still hurt. Hurt to the point that she hated him even more. Even if she had come to terms that he was still going to be a part of her life, she couldn't get over the fact that he had cheated on her.

That he had destroyed her, their marriage, their family.

Misha smiled, giggling as Asha squealed, flinging out her tiny arms. Misha pulled her daughter closer and leaned in to rub her nose.

She knew better than anyone that she had changed. Her sister joked about but Misha knew it was the truth.

The divorce made her bitter.

It had changed her. She had become withdrawn. And sensitive. And insecure. And afraid.

Afraid to get hurt, again.

Misha wrapped a blanket around her daughter before getting up to open the door. It was 5 pm, which meant that Zander would be coming over any minute.

He'd spend a few hours and then leave once she was finished making dinner. She never invited him to stay for dinner and he never asked to.

"Hey." Misha hummed as Zander walked in, casually taking off his shoes and placing his jacket on the sofa.

"There's my little princess." Zander cooed as Misha handed him their daughter. Asha kicked her feet around, smiling as she recognized her father. 

Misha gave a quick smile, trying to hide the bitterness that filled her. He acted like everything was okay. Yet, he was the one who had ruined everything.

"Wait Misha." Zander reached for her as she turned to walk away. Probably to the kitchen or to her room. It was where she spent most of the evening whenever he came over.

He knew she was just avoiding him. They never spoke more than a few words. She barely ever glanced at him.

"Right." He mumbled as she retracted her hand before he could touch her.

"I ugh got a new apartment. Off Palm, near the new Target. It's only five minutes from here."

"Okay." Misha shrugged before smiling bitterly. "Things didn't work with Natalie?" She taunted.

"She never meant anything to me." He spoke cautiously. Every time he was around Misha, he felt like he was walking on eggshells. No matter how hard he tried but it seemed that she had built a stone barrier around herself. One that he couldn't cross nor crack.