The Empress Wears Gucci

44

        It was too sudden; it was too much to process. 

       The Empress was vile, but I never expected her to go as far as murdering two people in less than a week. For her, it was as if the lives of the people below her didn't matter. The only important people in her view are the Emperor and herself.

       I wouldn't be surprised if she murdered her mother for the Emperor's attention.

       Even without the Empress's mother, the Empress planned things out so detailed and precise that it scared me. Before I knew what I had gotten into, I thought there would be no way the Empress could be this cruel. It was just recently that I thought the Empress and I had a truce. 

        I was too altruistic. If I let the Empress die from the attempted assassination, I wouldn't have been in this situation. It didn't matter to me anymore. My urge to go home—to my real home, not the home that I still feel unfamiliar with sometimes—was desperately tugging onto me every hour as I lay in idleness. 

        The frivolous talking with Guan Shu and everyone else for that matter, was no longer, as I stayed seated in the Cold Palace, waiting for my meal.  

        "Here, have some tea." Guan Shu, although she was technically no longer my maid, continued to serve me.

        I wrapped my palm around the cup, wiping my eye with my free hand. "Thank you."

        "Ying Yue, you haven't talked for a while now," Hua Er gently rubbed my back and leaned in close to my face. "Please talk to us."

       "Just in shock," I mumbled, swallowing the warm, earthy liquid. 

         It wasn't as if I didn't trust them. It's just that they've never seen me like this. Their perspective of Ying Yue, was that she was a warrior... A strong woman who defied the odds of the people praying on her downfall, a strong woman who showed no sadness. It was me, and it still was. But I felt uneasy expressing my emotional side to them. It was as if I was hiding this part from them, as if I hid behind a mask of independence and sentimental detachment.

          Although I battled my way through this journey, opposing and fighting against anything that hindered me, I still lost. It was all for nothing, wasn't it? I stay in this dark, unkempt room, for however long until I think of a plan. Or when Chang Ying finally arrives.

         To make matters worse, the person I didn't heavily rely on but should have was on vacation. I didn't even know women in the harem could do that! Chang Ying was my only hope. I will only hope for her return, but I will utilize my time in the Cold Palace.

        "You haven't talked about anything that has to do with the case for two days," Guan Shu said with worry written on her face. "What have you been thinking about?"

         I sighed. "I apologize, to both of you. I'm still in shock that I still can't comprehend what is happening."

        Guan Shu still served by my side and confronted me, even though I should've been confronting her. 

        "You've lost your son," I clasped my hands between Guan Shu's. The warmth of my hands embraced her clammy hands. I gently tapped my index finger on the back of her hand. "And I am sorry that I haven't checked on you."

        There was no excuse for my behaviour. I thought shutting two of my closest companions out would leave me to cope with my emotions in a better manner. It didn't. I was still stuck in the same state of mind and headspace. 

          "Rong Er... I love him. I love my child so dearly, but," Guan Shu peered at me with glossy eyes but welcomed me with a carefree smile. The smile was faint, almost as if it wasn't there. "I love you as well, Ying Yue. I am still grieving, dwelling, on how I failed to keep him safe... But I don't want to see you like this."