waves II jaeyong

twenty four

you know what is so difficult? falling in love.

same pain, same story, same ending.

who possibly knew that falling in love could be such a pain the ass?

you constantly care when you don't want to, you think about them 24/7, you get jealous, you worry and worst of all, it's easier to get hurt.

in all honesty, i'd say, "fuck love, it's not worth my time."

but no, he strolled into my life like a storm and knocked me off guard.

i was a fan of love, i yearned for love. but at what cost? to get the person i love to be cold again?

why is it like this?

let's take it back again, before i get ahead of myself. jaehyun apologized, markhyuck had their fight and somewhat resolved and there's obvious tension in the dorm. then, jaehyun's back to being cold.

when i tell you i want to jump off a cliff because of the frustration, i mean it. i mean i don't but you get what i mean. right?

WHY was he being cold to me all over again? it was the same old thing that had happened for two consecutive months. i thought we resolved things, but i guess not.

what can i say? i'm a failure when it comes to love.

it hurt, and oh my god did i cry. mark comforted me willingly and so did yuta. at night i would cry, mornings i would cry, dinner time i would cry, every single damn minute it didn't stop hurting. and it was a bitch.

you know when you feel this void in your stomach? like you're missing something but you don't know what? that's me.

i'm being pulled in two directions. one: pulling through with the man that i love. two: ending things.

the question was, do i even know him anymore?

the jung jaehyun i knew was, loving, kind, warm hearted. this new version of him is cold and bizarre.

and you know what sucks most throughout all this pain? i still fucking love him. and at what cost?

"hyung you really need to do something," mark sighed in our room as we got ready for superm dance practice, "it's taking the soul out of you."

i sighed as i pulled over my hoodie. "i don't know. but can we talk about something else?"

mark gave me a look of concern and nodded unsurely. "okay."

"do you know if any of them are there yet?"

"i think ten might be. he's practicing i think."

i nodded. "okay let's start heading over."

eventually we got to the studio, five minutes early. however, all the members were already there. we started warming up together and chatted amongst ourselves.

"taeyong are you alright? you look... exhausted..." kai noticed. everyone was already standing in a circle but then quickly averted their eyes to me with worry.

i nodded, trying to hold back the burst of tears.

"you're not okay, what's wrong?" lucas asked softly.

"i-" i could barely continue and started crying. they all herded around me and hugged me tightly, trying to do things to calm me down.

"talk to us," baekhyun said softly.

i looked over to mark, signaling for him to speak. i was too tired to speak. not tired as in i need rest but tired as in, i need peace.

they all turned to mark with a questioning look on their face.