waves II jaeyong

twenty five

*jaehyun's pov*

"why did i do that?! why?!" i punched the pillow and groaned in frustration. 

"woah calm down," johnny said trying to calm my nerves which wasn't working in any shape or form, "breathe. you getting angrier isn't helping the situation."

i let out a loud exhale. "you're right."

"now tell me what's going on," he said as he was scooping up yogurt onto his spoon.

i went back to my room before i started breaking down in front of taeyong. he couldn't see me weak. especially after what i did to him. he doesn't need to see me like this.

"w-we broke up," i sobbed, still barely processing the fact that we ended.

with taeyong, i always thought we'd up together. that we'd get married, get a house after our careers, have kids, still produce music, and start a new life. i always wanted and knew that i had that possibility with taeyong. but i ruined it, all because of a stupid insecurity and image.

johnny stopped eating. "you're joking right?"

i continued crying, hugging the pillow which smelled like taeyong. "no."

his breath hitched. "oh god. jaehyun, i'm sorry."

i shook my head. "no i deserve it."

he sighed. "i guess you're right. i'm not trying to be a bitch but i want to tell you something."

i looked up at him to see him staring at me with worry. "it can't get any worse can it?"

johnny shook his head in disappointment. "taeyong loves you so much. i didn't tell you but he went to me two days ago asking for help. he broke down saying, 'i feel so alone again. i cant do anything about it because the one person who saves me from my loneliness is hurting me. what is going on johnny?' and i didn't know what to tell him."

i sobbed even more. what the fuck did i do? i hurt the one and only person that i love more than anything.

"what happened jaehyun? why'd you do that?"

i hugged the pillow even tighter. "i guess.. i don't even know. no excuse is good enough."

he put his yogurt container down. "elaborate."

i looked down to my hands and tried avoiding eye contact. i cant look at my best friend after what i did. i felt too ashamed. 

"SM gave me a persona, the prince. i guess you can say i started applying it. that's why i'm so quiet at interviews now."

"i KNOW you're not telling me you were cold to him because you were worried about him ruining your image." johnny put emphasis on each word.

i shook my head. "at first, maybe. but eventually, i fell deeper for taeyong which i didn't know was possible. but then, he got put into super m and then the insecurity kicked in. i-i thought he was going to find someone else johnny. i really did."

he sighed. and it wasn't a sigh to clear his head or to take a breath of fresh air but instead, it was out of disappointment.

"god jaehyun," he ruffled his hair, being completely speechless. "you know how much he loves you right? the way his eyes sparkle just at the mention of your name, the thought of you, a picture of you. was that not enough for you?"

no it was more than enough.

"i know johnny."

"look, i'm not trying to be a bitch. i'm your friend and always will be. but he's mine too and it sucks to see him hurt over an image and insecurity. he doesn't deserve that and you know it. he's gone through so much and the last thing he needed was someone to push him away. he's starting something new, something that excites him. why can't you just be happy for his opportunity?"

i groaned and slammed my face in the pillow. "I KNOW JOHNNY," i let out another muffled groan. "don't you think i already know that?! how it sucks to see him hurt so much?! how i'm inflicting the pain in him?!"

we sat in silence for a while. i knew both of us were at a loss for words and we knew why.

after five minutes, johnny slowly removed the pillow from my face. "screaming won't help. right now, it's too soon to do anything for taeyong hyung. he needs to clear his head and calm down. you do too. take a break."

i sighed. "i'm gonna go shower."

the shower was nice and hot, but i couldn't stop thinking of taeyong. it was so difficult, how can i possibly stop thinking of someone who makes me so happy?

i finally got out and looked at myself in the blurry mirror. i scoffed.

i hate you jung jaehyun for what you did to him.

i didn't know what to feel.

fear?

anger?

guilt?

all of the above?

using my fingers to brush through my hair frustratingly, i groaned. i quickly got dressed and headed out of the bathroom. as i was walking back to my room i heard a familiar voice. a voice too familiar.

"taeyong breath," yuta said calmingly.

"i'm okay," taeyong replied quietly.

"no you're not." he took a pause and continued, "but i'm surprised at how well you're handling it."

another pause.

"you know how when you get so tired to the point where you don't give an absolute fuck? where you're so emotionally drained that you could get hit by a car and you'd say thank you?"

"uh," yuta responded, "what you're saying is very concerning."

taeyong scoffed. "i don't want to get hit by a car... actually maybe i do. but my point is that i'm too tired to care. i put up with it for so long that my heart is getting used to it."

"but that's the thing, your heart shouldn't be getting used to it."

"well what can i say? love is a bitch."

"maybe you should talk to jaehyun?" yuta suggested.

taeyong sighed. "what is there to say? oh by the way i forgot to mention that you fucking crushed my heart into pieces and i hate you for what you did but at the same time i still love you and i hate that i still love you."

it hurt so badly to hear that i did that to him. that i broke him. i broke my promise.

hi guys hehe i hope you had a merry christmas!!! i'm getting rly sleepy so i'm just gonna publish it but anyways hope u enjoyed. love u!