Are You Sh!tting Me (Modern Cliches, #3)

The Creep

Where a fucking creep climbs into my bedroom at three in the morning and wakes me up. I try to bring the cold vengeance of Barbie down on his head but it doesn't go well for either of us.

~~~~~

You know that part of sleep where you can feel yourself falling asleep, like you know you are just on the edge of it and you can fall into blessed darkness and think no more?

Yah... you know what fucking sucks?

Getting woken up right when you hit that point.

I woke up to the sound of a heavy crash and a rather loud cursing. It was enough to have me leaping out of my bed and grabbing my bright pink Barbie baseball bat that my dad had gotten me for a house warming present to protect myself. He said it was to humiliate whoever was my target with the cold, unforgiving, pink smile of Barbie as I bring it down onto their head.

The cursing continued and I fumbled for the light next to my bed, turning it on quickly. A man was jumping around the foot of my bed, holding his shin as he cursed loudly. His, what I assumed to be because it was so dirty, brown hair was bouncing as he did so. He looked... well he looked fucking rough. Like 'I've been sleeping in dumpsters for the past year' rough. Fear gripped me at the thought of a homeless man managing to break into my apartment but I brought up my bat regardless.

"Who the fuck are you?" I spat the words at him and he grimaced as he continued jumping before he tripped on the window fan that was now on the floor and fell over with another crash.

"Fuck! Fucking hell! Motherfucker! Ouch! Can I even say ouch? Did that even hurt?! What the fuck?" His voice was muffled by the carpet and I slowly moved to the edge of the bed, holding the bat above my head at the ready in case he jumped up because he was just trying to trick me into letting down my guard.

"Who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my fucking bedroom?" My voice pitched upwards as I stared at man who was groaning and cursing on my bedroom floor. I might have been exhausted and tired and all sorts of scared but bitch was gunna feel the cold, metal wrath of Barbie if he didn't start talking.

"I can't do anything right. Can I bleed? Is my nose bleeding? I can't lose more blood! I'll be even hungrier and this is such bullshit." His voice was still muffled from where he was laying face down on my carpet and he didn't seem to be wanting to get up any time soon. "I didn't ask for this." He sounded almost defeated but I wasn't fucking stupid. No one was going to trick me, Barbie had a head to smash.

"What the fuck are you doing in my bedroom you creepy asshole? Barbie and I will fuck you up!" I adjusted my grip on the bat, holding it jut a touch higher as my heart beat frantically in my chest. I knew enough self-defence to beat his head in. I just didn't particularly like the thought of having to do that. It made me a bit nauseous to be honest but I would do it to protect myself.

He shifted with a groan, prying himself off of my carpet as he stood up, wiping at his swimming trunks as if they weren't already filthy. He bent down and rubbed at the red spot on his shin with another groan. "I suck at this." He stuck his bottom lip out in a pout and I wanted to shake him. He didn't even seem to realize I was in the room.

"Hey!" The word bellowed out of me and he jumped, his gaze jumping to me before his eyes went wide as he flicked them to the bat I had aimed for his head. "What the fuck are you doing in my fucking apartment you creepy bastard?" I tensed, lifting my weapon higher.

"Shiiiiit..." The curse seemed to be dragged from him as he swallowed, his eyes on the bat held ready in my hands. "Can- can we calm down?" His voice was nearly a squeak and I gave him an incredulous look.

"Calm down? You broke into my fucking apartment you creepy asshole!" I spat the words at him and I liked how he was staring at the bat like Barbie would rain vengeance down on his head, I agreed because she was about to. "Who the hell are you and how did you get into my apartment? Start talking!" I adjusted the bat, bringing it up a little higher and he held out his hands.

"Okay, okay, okay okay." He waved his hands at me as if trying to ward me off. I flicked my gaze over him, he looked super pale and thin underneath all the dirt he had on him as he shifted on his bare feet. He glanced between me and the bat and swallowed heavily. "My name is Jake and I climbed in through your window." I glanced at the window as he gestured to it and I shook my head.

"The fuck you did. That's a six story drop right to the fucking ground." There were no balconies, no pipes, no way to climb up.

"Yah I did. I climbed up and into to the window." He glanced at my bat and I shifted my grip.

"Why the fuck would you do that?" This man was all sorts of bonkers. He needed a huggy jacket and some padded bedroom alone time. I watched as his pale face flushed with just the faintest hint of pink and he glanced at the window before I hissed. "Tell me the fucking truth or so help me god I will knock your fucking head off your shoulders!" I waved the bat in warning and his eyes snapped back towards me.

"Your window was the only one open and I just picked it okay!" It came out of him in a rush and he ran his hand through his hair, tugging on the dirty and limp strands as if agitated.

"Why you creepy fuck?!" Why, out of every godforsaken apartment there was, did he have to choose mine?

He frowned slightly, his bottom lip coming out into a slight pout. "Can we cool it on the calling me creepy? That's kind of rude, you don't even know me, dude." My mouth dropped open and I sputtered slightly.

"You climbed into my fucking bedroom in the middle of the night!" I lifted the bat higher in my sudden anger, liking how he flinched. "I think I know enough!" I hissed the words at him and he made a slight face as he shuffled on his feet again.

"You have a point there... that is kind of creepy." He muttered it underneath his breath and I couldn't believe I was having this conversation. I should have clocked him on the head and let the police deal with him.

"Kinda? That's fucking extra creepy!" Climbing into open windows in the middle of the night. It was fucking horribly creepy. "What is it? Is this how you get your kicks? You just like creeping on people? Watching people sleep? Are you a serial killer? A rapist?" My voice pitched upwards with my slight hysteria and he winced, glancing at the bat.

"Those would be rational." He shuffled on his feet, seemingly moving towards the window slightly and I shifted the bat and he froze, staring at it. "The truth is, I'm a vampire." I blinked at him as he said it before I narrowed my eyes.

"Stupid motherfucker!" I swung the bat as hard as I could at his head. Served him right for fucking lying to me! What a fucking creep! I watched as the bat came down towards him but right before it could connect he caught it. The reverberations ran up my arm and I blinked in shock. His hand didn't move and he caught it. The full force of my swing and he caught it like it was nothing. Like Barbie's vengeance was nothing but child's play.

"Shit." We said it both at the same time and my face drained of colour as I realized I was stuck in a very small room with someone super fucking strong.

Of all the fucking luck in the world. Ethel married rich and hunky, Sasha was right behind her, and Trisha was having a meltdown but me? I had to be the one of us who got fucking murdered.