Are You Sh!tting Me (Modern Cliches, #3)

The Alcoholic Vamp Daddy

In which I finally get to meet Jake's vamp daddy. There was the brooding and angsty vampire I thought I needed to see.

Just gunna say, not impressed.

~~~~

I woke up with a jolt and a scream buried half way in my throat. My heart felt like it was going to bust out of my chest and I looked around the room I was in. Candles were lit all over the place and dark coloured velvet curtains hung everywhere, even off the bed. I blinked at the dark and gloomy aura the room had and frowned.

"What the fuck?" I muttered it out as I slowly got off the bed I had been placed on. The flickering candle light allowed me to make out various things in the room, like the Victorian style dark blue wall paper, the silver candelabras, and the brooding portrait of a pale man in a cloak that hung above the empty fireplace. I blinked at it all as I slowly turned around to take in the goth's wet dream that was the room I had been put in.

"You awaken from your slumber." At the accented voice I yelped and whirled around. The tall pale vampire was back and he was leaning against the mantle of the fireplace, his cloak pushed to hang off one shoulder as his straight black hair fell in front of his face. He looked brooding and angsty and I pressed my fingers to my lips to keep from laughing hysterically. "Come join me." He held out a hand and I shook my head.

"Don't know you. Not going over there." There was no way in fucking hell that I would walk over to him and take his hand like he was so clearly wanting me to do.

"You will join me in time, child o' mine." He said it, his tone was nearly foreboding, as if he was stating an inevitable fact but it was his term for me that had me pressing my lips together.

"Yaaaahh... not your kid." I was not and I did not know whyhe had said it. I knew he had said it before when he fucking kidnapped me.

"You are. You smell of me. Of my unholy creation." At the words I frowned. How the hell did I smell of his creation? My mouth dropped open as the realization hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.

"Oh shit!" This was Jake's creator. This was the daddy vampire Jake couldn't remember. "Your- Oh my-What the fuck?" I sputtered it out as I looked at him.

He straightened from his brooding position in front of the fireplace. "Your language is unbecoming." He pointed at me before flicking his hair from his face in a movement that looked a little too sluggish.

"Are you..." I watched him sway slightly and I blinked at him rapidly. "Are you fucking drunk?" A drunk vampire. A vampire who had imbued a little too much. A vampire who was utterly filled to the brim.

"I may have imbued on some essenced wine." He made a slight waving gesture with his hand before he blinked slowly and frowned in drunken confusion. "Or that vile stuff they put in cans now days. I... I can't remember. Perhaps it was both." He was fucking smashed. There was no getting around it. He swayed in place and even with his accented voice I could hear the slur. "You shall dress appropriately for me." He waved his hand and a black lace and dark purple velvet Victorian style gown floated towards me.

"You're fucking drunk." No wonder he had been leaning against the mantle place. He could barely stand straight up. Jake's vamp daddy was a fucking lush, a drunkard, an alcoholic! I glanced at the gown that floated to land on a high backed chair. "And I'm not fucking touching that dress." I didn't know where he got off but there was no fucking way I was going to put that heavy looking thing on, nor was I going to play goth dress up with him.

"Such unbecoming language from one of my creations." He tsked slightly as he said it and I pressed my hands to my hips in disapproval.

"You aren't my vamp daddy, douche bag." I wasn't a vampire and he had grabbed me because I smelled like Jake. He was so fucking drunk he hadn't been able to tell the difference. What an irresponsible asshole! Creating vampires while drunk and then just fucking off.

He hissed at me, baring his fangs. "Of course you would denounce me as you creator! We live in a wretched world that aches with loneliness as we walk this earth as unholy abominations. I would denounce me if I could but I cannot!" He slurred some of the words as he waved his hand over his head, nearly tilting to the right to far. "I have created you, brought immortal life into the world by unholy means and still I am alone as my children, my spawn, denounce my very presence! Tis a wretched life I have been given, tis nothing but a curse!" He sounded so dramatic that it took all I had to not burst into laughter.

Why the fuck had I told Jake to brood and be angsty?

I pressed my fingers to my lips to keep from laughing as he swayed, moving towards me. "Do not worry, my unholy child. None can abhor me more than I abhor myself. I have cast my curse unto you and damned you to eternity alone. But walk the night with me and we can lament this curse together." He grasped my chin, swaying slightly before he lifted a finger. "We can be a family. I have longed for one such as that. To raise the fruits of my labour, to be a patriarch to an empire." He leaned closer and I leaned away, the smell of cheap beer, bar peanuts, and cigarette smoke nearly choking me. "Wear the gown for me, be one of my dark and unholy princesses. Join me, my child, and we shall rule the night and lament this curse. Together." With that he was gone and I stared at the place he had been as I blinked rapidly.

"What the actual fuck." I closed my eyes hard and then opened them but the room stayed the same dreary, goth wet dream it was before.

That happened.

That emo, angsty, drama filled monologue seriously just happened.

I really missed my happy go lucky surfer vampire. Why the fuck did I ever think angsty and broody vampires were how it was?

Boy was I ever fucking wrong.

If I thought I was in crazy town with Jake it turns out no, that was nice and pleasant ville and this goth fucking dream come true was the real crazy town.

Fuck.