Are You Sh!tting Me (Modern Cliches, #3)

The Bizzaro Universe

Also Trisha was right, Ethel is a problem child. Who has turned mysteriously cryptic about her life. I don't like it.

Also, a Satanist? Fucking really, Ethel?

My world has gone bizzaro and I don't know how to fix a fucking thing.

~~~

Despite the embarrassment I felt, I pulled away from Jake and he let me go I answered the call without looking.I needed to escape from the bright red heat in my cheeks. Fucking sure does, buddy? I was fucking stupid, stupid. "Hey." The word practically croaked out of my mortified mouth which only made my embarrassment that much worse. I certain;y had a knack for humiliating myself in front of super attractive men. I figured it was best to make it a fucking habit

Sure does, buddy.

Let the ground fucking swallow me whole right now and I would gladly die

"Sup, Sam?" At Ethel's voice I shifted away from Jake and headed for my bedroom.

"Not much. Hey, what the fuck, Ethel?" It came out sharper than I intended and I blamed Jake for that too as I closed my bedroom door behind me. I was fucking mortified and it was all his damn fault for unleashing he curse that was my damn libido.

"I missed you too, Sam." Ethel's voice was light as if unbothered by the chaos she had released into our friend group. And it was fucking chaos. She had to have known how her announcement would shake our world topsy-turvy.

"Trish is all over my ass over you and Sasha, I hope you are happy." I really hope she was because it needed to be worth it. It needed to be so fucking worth the tantrum that Trish was gearing up for.

"Deliciously so." She chuckled as she said it and I scowled darkly as I moved over to my window.

"You are a brat." I meant it. I truly did. Ethel was supposed to be the responsible one, the one we could all turn to, to help us with advice, or in my case, dragging me out of an airport after it was discovered I was trying to find bigfoot.

"Maz tells me that all the time." She purred. Fucking. Purred.

Who was this woman and where was my best friend Ethel? I actually pulled the phone away from my ear to stare at the screen in shock. "Excuse me? You have caused a world of trouble and Trish is gearing up for a big blow up and hastag blessed, are you fucking kidding me right now?" My voice pitched upwards in mild hysteria. "I can't handle this shit, Ethel. I need to fucking sleep. Now I have to be wondering who possessed my damn best friend on top of everything else going on in my life right now? I cant handle this bullshit, Ethel!" My voice pitched up even more as I entered full blown hysteria and there was silence on the other end of the line as I gulped in air.

"What's going on, Sammi? What has you this riled?" She asked it softly and I bit my tongue, hard, to keep the truth from slipping out.

'Oh nothing much, Ethel. Just the fact that a fucking vampire broke into my apartment at three in the morning and he is living in my fucking pantry and I'm too much of a sucker for blond hair and blue eyes to kick his ass to the curb and he spent all day eating fucking rats while Dan the fucking Man creeped around at work and I tried my best to keep Trish from having a fucking meltdown over the fact that two of our best friends got shacked up without telling fucking anyone and I did it all with three hours of fucking sleep. Nothing is happening at all.'

"Sammi?" Ethel's voice pushed me for a response and I swallowed.

"A lot, Ethel." I rubbed at my face, glad that the stain of humiliation was disappearing. "A lot of shit is happening and I can't do a thing about it." I shook my head. "I'm sorry. I should unload on you. You are on your honeymoon right now. Ignore me." I really was happy she found someone, shocked that she got married without inviting us to her wedding or introducing us to the guy beforehand but Ethel deserved to be happy with a guy after the shit run of luck she had before.

"No. It's okay. Something is bothering you. I can tell." Her voice softened more and I hated it. That was her 'I'll make everything better, just tell me what is wrong' tone and I didn't need her to use it on me because there was nothing she could do to help with:

'Just the fucking vampire that is now living with me and that my libido is telling me to bang on my kitchen table.'

"I'm fine. I'll figure it out. I always do. Do you need me to check on Sibby while you are away?" I changed the subject as swiftly as I could and she chuckled softly.

"No need. We took her with. She is loving the Caribbean right now." A small silence fell and I swallowed hard. I missed her, I missed Sasha too. We needed to visit more often. Ethel let out a heavy sigh. "The hashtag blessed is an inside joke between me and Maz. It's ironic and I thought it was hilarious."

I paused as I blinked at that. Ironic. "Did you marry a Satanist?" The words came out before I could stop it and Ethel burst into laughter.

"In a manner of speaking but his belief system is more like my own. Take from that what you will. Tell that to Trish too. Get her to calm down. We will come back in a few weeks and we can see each other then. Love and kisses." Ethel made a kissy sound into the phone before she hung up and I pulled my phone away and stared at it hard.

Trish was right, Ethel was a fucking problem child.

And she had apparently married a Satanist.

Well then.