cappuccino ↬ offgun

leaving

Sometimes, crying is synonymous with freedom. It can make you happy more then a smile could do. Tears are emotions seen in a concrete way, they come out just when we feel something really strong. Is our way to prove others that we are feeling something. And when you are feeling something really strong, but you can't cry, you feel yourself dying inside. As if your soul's flower is rotting. As if you are rotting. When you understand that everything you've done is wrong, your world falls upon your shoulders. 

I've never thought that being with Philip would have made me feel like that. As if he decided that my life has to be wrong. Even though it's not his fault. Is just mine.

"You're being quiet..." said Philip, looking at me with his strange eyes. We were walking down the street without a precise destination, maybe. The sunset's light was lighting above us. For the first time, I couldn't see a thing in it. Just grey.

"I just have an headache. Don't worry" I kept lying without caring about the others' feelings. I understood. Maybe I knew that from the beginning, but I've never been brave.

"I don't think that's all. There's something wrong" he stopped walking and I turned to look at him. He was handsome, as always. Orange and yellow were dancing on his skin. And his eyes were shining under the sun. But it wasn't him.

"You know? Off told you, right? Or Tay did?" actually, I wanted to ask that question. It's been totally unexpected. I shook my head, showing my confusion through my eyes.

"Yesterday, my mum called me. I have to leave Thailand. Maybe forever, I'll never come back" he took my hand, "I wanted to talk to you face to face. I'm sorry" I sighed. My mind went white. I don't know what I felt in that moment. Maybe relief. Or sadness. After Ophelia, he was leaving too. But it was so different.

"When?"

"This Tuesday. I hoped that maybe I could stay for the whole summer. But, apparently, I can't" his hand moved to my cheek. I didn't want to hurt him. And I had to get rid of a big burden.

"I have to tell you something..."

"Wait. Let me talk" I sighed and, weakly, I nodded. It was like life was not letting me doing what it was right.

"Do you remember that night, on the promenade? I told you that I would have told you the Teseo and Arianna's story. Now, I don't want to be seen as I am like Teseo, which it runs away from his Arianna, putting aside the most important thing: love. He forgot her and he left her on an island. I'm not leaving you, Gun. And don't look at me with those eyes, as if everything around you hurts you. I'm not choosing of leaving. Remember this."

"And I will. I swear" I caressed his hand, leaned on my cheek, and I moved away.

"I hope we will keep being friends" I said. He nodded, happy about my answer.

"You're different. And this makes you special. Thank you" he hugged me. His hair's smell entered in my nose. It was strong, intense. It smelled good. A tear came out of my eye. I wanted to come back in Off's arms.  

"I have to go now. I'll miss you" he said me. I smiled at him. It was the last time that I could look into his white soul through his light blue eyes, as the morning sky.

As he disappeared from my eyes, I sent Off a message. I had to.

"I think I spent too much time thinking. But just at the pure nothing. I need to see you.
G."

"Is this what you really want? I want to be sure that you need me in your life. I don't want to bother you.
DP."

"I so need you.
G."

"I'll pick you up tonight.
DP."

I smiled at my phone. I was happy. Yellow. No longer confused.