cappuccino ↬ offgun

torn soul

Sometimes, I feel like my mind turns completely off off. As if I pressed a button and, suddendly, everything disappears in the air. I'm scared of the idea of losing everything, of forgetting everything, of becoming just like my grandma: grey. Colors, colors and then colors again. Does a world without colors exist? Without emotions? Questions on questions, inexistent answers. I want to throw this pen, now. My mind sometimes goes off, but today is not one of those days.

I want to come back in those days where I didn't care about colors.
"Oh, fine, today I'm yellow."
And that's it. Limited. My days were limited. My eyes had never looked the sky. I was blind. How much can a person change in a couple of years? A lot.
However, people who change, deep inside, are always the same as before.

Today I've thought about every moments I've spent with my grandmother. I've thought about my family, my dad, my mom. I don't talk to them, anymore. They don't care and I'm not brave. Anyway, I felt nostalgic. Vulnerable, maybe even stupid. Closing my eyes, I can still smell the sea's smell, freedom's smell. I miss those walks on the promenade. Yes, still the memories' promenade. It's my little home. My soul belongs to that place. I wish I could look her in the eyes, tell her that I love her, no matter what. I can't, though. But, before death brings her away from me, I want to look her again. I don't want regrets to eat me up.

Today is Monday, tomorrow I'll go out with Off. I'm nervous, I admit that. I want to clear my head as soon as possible. I want to know who I really want. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt someone. I sent him a message, today. I was panicking, and I needed someone. I wrote him, not Philip. I was sure that he was there for me.

"I need you"

"Are you okay? Where are you?"

"Off, I'm working. I just need to talk to you. Even through the phone.
G."

"Wait, I call you."

After a couple of seconds, my phone started to vibrate. He was there, as always.

"Gun?" his voice looked like a beacon of light in the darkness. I sighed.

"I miss her" I sat on the bathroom's floor, and I put my elbow on my knees. 

"Ophelia?"

"No. My grandma" he went quiet and I felt guilty. It was my problem, I shouldn't have called him.

"Is she...?" his voice was hesitant and I felt that he was scared of hurting me. titubante e riuscii a percepire che aveva paura di ferirmi. I smiled. There wasn't yellow in that smile. Only blue, the one of what I'm afraid of.

"No, but she's almost there. She can't recognize me. That's even worst."

"If you want to see her again, then go to her place or where she is now. It doesn't matter if she's out of town: go to her. You'll leave with this regret and it will kill you."

"I know, bu-"

"If it can help you in any way, I'll come with you. We'll go together.

"Off... are you really sure? I don't want to bother you. And that's so heavy to bear. If I have to do this, I think I have to be on my own."

"Have you ever seen a person with a torn soul?" At first, I didn't really understand what he meant. But, now, that I'm thinking abiut everything, that's totally clear. I stayed quiet, though.

"When you'll understand what I'm saying, tell me. Tomorrow we'll go to her. Now I have to go. If you need me, call me immedialy. Love you." and before I could say "I love you too", he hung up the phone, leaving me with a smile on my face. He made my day more yellow. I was speechless, back then. Even though I knew that he didn't mean that. I love you as my little brother. I love you but, who knows, tomorrow I could hate you.

The only thing I knew, and I know, is that I really wanted that he meant "I love you, as my true and only lover."