cappuccino ↬ offgun

pain is part of us

Tears and pain are seen by many person in a bad way. As if everything should bring just happiness and smiles. That's not how it works, life teaches us that who takes for granted pain, will suffer more. Especially when he or she will find out that he is or she is wrong. All his or her yellow will run away to give space to the grey and to the sad blue. Is useless to go around this. Pain is part of us till the birth.

Obviously I'm not saying that, in our lives, there's got to be pain, pain and pain again. Instead, there must be a lot of emotions's shades. And also, the pain's. Only suffering, we can understand the deepest part of ourselves. And if a person sees you suffer, and she or he is by your side, then she or he will find the hidest part of yourself, too. Off found mine, today.

Darkness is not emptiness, like oxygen is not life. And I've understood this recently. I close my eyes and the only thing I can see is darkness. Not emptiness. I feel the empiness just when everything is grey.
If we all were less superficial, we'd learn so many things. We'd start to dig every emotions to find something special. And then we'd share everything.

Tueday, usually, is so grey. It doesn't have something different from other days. A usual day of the week. However, exceptions are everywhere.

Today I woke up with a start. I was scared, for a moment. Darkness. When I understood that today I would have come back in the place where the beginning has an end, my mind started to be white. I didn't know what I was thinking. What I was feeling. It was weird. And weirdness it hasn't got a color. It doesn't exist a color for it.

It was 5 AM when I woke up. Today I didn't have lessons, or at least I did but I abandoned them for dark purple. I didn't have to work either, so I had the morning all free. Joss wasn't at home. I was all by myself. I decided to tidy the house with background music. I have always loved this moments of loneliness, where, actually, I have never felt lonely.

I've spent the morning like this, thinking  about the white. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know if I should have felt guilty or not. I didn't know anything.

My thoughts are so boring, and I'm realizing this just now, just after have spent the night with Off. This is tearing me apart.

While I was getting ready, Off sent me a message. I wasn't surprised, at all. I have waited one for all the afternoon, for all the morning. But nothing has arrived.

"I'll come to pick you up in a bit. Don't make me wait.
DP."

Waiting has never been a great problem, for me. But, maybe, for him it was.

[...]

"Do you feel ready?" suddenly said Off, breaking the heavy silence that have been created between his car's seats. I sighed.

"If we'd wait to be ready, we'd wait for all our life"  I moved my eyes from the sky that, slowly, was becoming darker and darker to him, to his relaxed face. He has never shown his real emotions. Those eyes were two loght blue ice cubes. I wish I could be like him. I've never been good to hide my real emotions, my real thoughts.

"Are you saying that is better do what you want to do then think too much, don't move and wait for life to do the first step?" his eyes were looking at the street and his hands were following my commands. Despite a couple of years have passes from the last visit, I still remember the street that once brought me to my happiness, my yellow.

"I say that is better to talk. We have the right to talk. So, why don't we do that?"

"It's not always that simple" and silence come back to us. I wasn't feeling uncomfortable. I was just anxious. In my mind there was just paranoia on paranoia.

We came after, about, 15 minutes. Time flew and I didn't even realize that.
My heart started to beat very fast when I had the door in front of me. I closed my eyes and I sighed heavly. The lemon's smell came right into my brain and chills were all over my body.

"I'm here, remember this" Off leaned one of his hand on my shoulder. I nodded and, shaking, I touched with my finger the doorbell. That sound used to bring me home.

When I saw her eyes, for a moment I've thought that these were my grandma's eyes. The ones I loved, once. Full of hope and light. Full of colors.

"Gun!" her voice was so different from how I remembered it. Not acute but not deep either. It was my mom's voice. It was special just for that.

My mom hugged me tightly. I could feel her perfume all over my body. I missed that feeling. I haven't missed her. Or, this is what I think. But, seeing her there, with those torn eyes, I realized how much I missed her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked me, still not noticing Off. He was looking at us with cold eyes. As always. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"I'm here to see the granny" I was so sure when I said that. I was sure of what I was doing. Finally. I was there to see her. Colorful or not. Black or grey. With Off by my side, I could have moved the world with a hand, or maybe even with just a finger.

*Today I'm yellow. Sorry for all the mistakes. Thank you for all your support. It means a lot♡*