cappuccino ↬ offgun

forced goodbye

Someone says that human beings can recognize a thing or through its smell. I've never heard something more true. Lemon's smell has always brought me home. Where I've always felt safe. Where every wall get struck and where every fear run away. Home was home. It just doesn't exist anymore. I don't know where my home is anymore.

I've never thought that a meeting with my grandma could be so heavy. I was so anxious. I've never thought that she would have been grey. I was living in a would full of roses and colors, and i didn't like watching the future. But now it has come, and I can't help but think about it. Pain is part of us, after all.

"The granny is upstairs. You do have a bad timing. In these days, she's getting worst and worst. She even doesn't remember herself, sometimes. She won't remember you, you know this, right? Are you still sure? my mother gave me a cup full of hot tea. She kept staring at Off, maybe not understanding why he was there with me. I sighed, shaking my head.

"Of course I'm not ready. She has always been there when the whole world turned around. I am so not ready, but i'm sure that if I don't do what I'm going to do, I'll always regret this. And I don't want this"

"As you want. I'll be upstairs" she kissed my head and, greeting also Off, she left the room. Off sat next to me, on the couch, looking at me with lost eyes.

"You're not forced."

"I've said that this is what I want. If you can't stand a such heavy thing, then leave. I won't be angry with you. But, please, don't make me change my mind" my worlds came out in such a meaningful way that I immediately regretted having said them in that way.

"I won't abandon you, not now," he took my hand and, kindly, he weaved mine with his. "Shall we go?" I looked into his eyes and, not sure, I nodded.

I've never thought that going upstairs could be so heavy. Every step made my head turn. Memories are so precious, but few understand this. I passed through my old bedroom's door, but I avoided it. Maybe I even didn't recognize it. I was thinking about something else. I was walking with my heavy heart, clinged to Off's hand, that it has become my safe place, in that moment. My home.

One, two, three... I started to count my steps. I counted twelve when I arrived to the fate's destiny. My mind went white again and my eyes became bright.

"Do you want me to stay outside?" Off asked. My hand was still weaved in his. His touch was bringing me to heaven, even though I was thinking i was in hell. I shook my head.

"I want you to come in with me. If you feel it, of course" he nodded, smiling. I kissed his cheek, going on my tip toes.

"Thank you."

I leaned my hand on the door handle and, pushing it with strength, I opened the door. The room was still the same as I remembered. When you looked beyond the window, you could still see a lemon's tree, where the most beautiful sunsets happen. There wasn't roses's perfume, though.

Mum was leaning a blanket on the grandma's cold body. She wasn't sleeping. She wasn't awake. It seemed like she even wasn't there. She was staring at us like we were strangers. As if she was scared of the world. Her eyes were grey, as I imagined. But it was still painful. 

"Maryse, who are they?" she said to my mother, which was touching her forehead with the back of the hand. She was looking right into my eyes. It seemed like she was saying I told you. 

"Hi, I'm Gun. You're grandson" stranger's eyes. Off was silent, without saying a world. He was there for me, and that was a lot. I sat on the bed, next to her, smiling at her softly.

"Probably you don't remember what I'm going to say, but I don't care. I've grown up, here, with you. And with Maryse, my mother. Every morning I came in this room and I jumped on this bed, to wake you up. But, still, you needed time to be awake..." again, memories were looking for me. I closed my eyes, trying to remember more.

"We spent summer's afternoon picking lemons from the tree, reading books, walking down the promenade. I still remember the mum saying "Gun, is dangerous. Let the grandpa pick the lemons. If you fall, you'll seriously hurt yourself!" I looked at her, smiling. A tear came from my eyes. I let her go. 

"I felt at home with you. Because you were. I thought that I would never forget you. Because you are my grandma, my woman. But you were the one who forgot, not on purpose, but you did. I'm sorry if I didn't come earlier. I've always been afraid of facing my fears. I've never been brave. My life looked like a film, but now is just dust" I blocked, looking at her. She was about to cry, too. I was crying from the beginning. She still looked like a stranger, though.

"This is the last time I see you. Even thought, reality, I've lost you a long time ago. I've lost you when you, looking at me, you weren't seeing your grandson, your light. You just said who are you? I didn't answer. My heart just broke" tears were coming out of my eyes. I needed a break.

"I'm sorry. Is hard seeing a piece of your life tearing away. I wish I couldn't say goodbye. But I do. I wish we could see each other again, maybe under a lemon tree or under the sun, near the sea" I wiped my tears away and, feeling torn, I hugged her. 

"I am sorry. Goodbye" she said, crying. She was a stranger. I was hoping that, coming back there, she would still be there, with her colorful soul. But it didn't happen and it won't happen. I wanted to cling to Off's hand, again.