Caving In

23. Frozen And Empty

Song: Bones

Artist: NateWantsToBattle

After the incident with Ryze, nothing was ever the same anymore. The class was duller, there were no loud conversations, no stories to share, or bad jokes. Our moods sunk like the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.

Margaret, Bella, all those guys took it hard. I mean, he hung out with them the most; filming their own little adventures, taking little hikes in the park, even playing Pokemon Go along the way. I guess his departure also hit me really hard too. I my anger seeped through almost every day, and frustration followed me like a rain cloud above my head.

The seventh graders were ticking me off too. I nearly lost it with one of them, who pissed me off on two occasions. Had the teacher not been there, I may have broken an appendage. They were terrified of me, they all were. Nothing can stop pure emotions, not even resolve.

And I guess it was wrong of me to take it all out on them too. I needed an outlet for all the pent up rage and grief, and I ended up pushing it out onto other people. Normally, people would be giving me glares and the cold shoulder, but I guess because we lost someone we cared about, they gave me pity and sympathy.

I don't want your pity or sympathy either. That won't help bring him back. It's hard to just wake up and remind yourself that you're never going to see them again. Reality is harsh.

"Chael, you've been lashing out at the other students so much, and I'm starting to get concerned," Ms Venn pulled me aside from class one day, the same look everybody gives me. Don't look at me like that. I don't want your hospitality. "Do you want to talk to the guidance counsellor about it?" My eyes dart up, reflecting harshly in hers. I used to be afraid, but not anymore. All that controls me now is pure hatred.

"It's not like the counsellor could bring him back. I don't need anybody. Just give me some time, it'll wear off." My tone is rude, but I don't mean it like that. She grimaces, and sighs, agreeing to give the wound a little more time to heal. 

But unlike the normal wounds I receive, this one's carved into my heart. It's not like physical wounds- taking between one to four weeks to heal- this one isn't going to heal in this lifetime. Heartbreak sucks, doesn't it? It doesn't have to be your significant other, it can be anybody close. This is why you don't go around making connections. A connection takes years and years to build up. To break it takes less than a second to do so.

~

It's almost the end of the school year, with 2 more months left to go now. I've gotten my acceptance letter from the school I applied to, and the others are all leaving me behind to go to the home high school. Kaitlyn is moving this summer, which means she won't be coming to either of our schools. That also means I won't see her as often anymore.

I have no idea what kind of people I might run into there, but if I can't contain my anger now, I'm never going to survive there. I don't want to look like a total psycho- that's Helena's job, not mine.

It's going to be hard at first, but if I let people walk all over me, it's only going to make them stronger. I don't need another problem on my list. Just calm down, take a deep breath, and exhale. Don't give them the reaction they want.

And just like that, I'm getting a little better. I might not be over it, his death an all, but I can't change that. I can only change myself and how I look at the world. I guess it's like the weather, when it rains, it feels like it's never going to stop, and that's what sadness is like. But you won't always be sad, just like how you won't always have rainy days. It'll be sunny one day, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day.

"It will get better, I swear."

It's the day before our graduation trip. We've decided to do something small this year, since people don't want to go away for 3 days, we're going to an amusement park, with their very new ride out now.

Somewhere in my mind, I'm wondering how different it would be if Ryze was still here today. I can't imagine it. Perhaps nothing would have changed; I'd still be the angry kid with problems, and he'd still be the smartest kid in class with the quick comebacks. 

"Chael, are you coming or not?" Margaret's voice breaks through my thoughts. I'm standing there with my backpack half opened with all my things still scattered around.

"Where are we going? You know I've run out of excuses on my whereabouts every time we're going out somewhere." I shove all my things in my backpack and slam my locker close. Aiden is still around, which means he's tagging along too.

"We're walking to the plaza close to here. There's an ice cream shop that opened up a few days ago and I want to try it out." I glance at my phone for the time. In big white numbers it displays 3:36 on the screen. I pull out my wallet and shuffle around for coins. There's barely enough to get me anything, but I'll go. Anything to keep myself occupied before dinner. I hate practising the piano, especially since exams are coming up.

We walk and talk along the way, sometimes there are huge pause in our conversations because we don't know what to talk about. The ice cream shop is fairly small, and not your normal scoops put onto a cone. It's condensed milk with whatever flavour you want, frozen slowly while being mixed together, and then finally rolled up with three toppings of your choosing. I find the cheapest one to afford, but Margaret ends up paying for the flavour I really want.

"Call it a donation," She claims. I roll my eyes and put it on a tab, making sure to pay her back when I get my monthly allowance. We stop at the park across the street and sit on the swings, eating our frozen treat before it melted in the hot summer sun. Then we played for a while before going home. I may have gotten yelled at, but it was the most fun and relaxation I've gotten in a while.

I wish everyday could be like that. I want to be happy.

Liar.