Relentless

Chapter 51

Juliet

After a few days of staying in my bed, I have do my first performance since the shooting. It's back in New York, where I spent most of my childhood. I don't know if I will be able to hold it together on stage. The majority of my songs are about... him and our relationship. Most of them are about the good parts, the I love yous.

All of the fans all over the world probably know what happened. It's probably been on tv or in the newspapers. I haven't picked up a remote since that day. I don't want to hear people talking about it.

Backstage, as my makeup designer works her magic and my hair stylist finishes curling my hair, I stare in the mirror. It's amazing how my face could go from lifeless, to vibrant and back to lifeless again. I feel tears gather in my eyes and clear my throat, holding it back.

"Sara, can you get my necklace?" I ask my hair stylist as my makeup stylist finishes my bronzer. In the mirror, I see her move away from me hear her going into my jewelry box. When she comes back, she has a solemn look on her face, the exact look that everyone else gets when the see the necklace. My makeup artist backs away as Sara places the necklace around my neck. Clasping it in the back, I place my hand over the engraved coordinates and breath deeply.

It'll be okay.

I keep telling myself that I'll be okay, that the pain will stop eventually. But how much pain can one endure before they are pushed over the edge?

"You're all ready, Jules." Kelly, my makeup artist says. I open my eyes, looking in the mirror, and a fake, small smile washes over my face. I stand up from my seat and open the door of my dressing room. As I walk out, I see a bodyguard standing by my room. He is standing upright, looking straight ahead and not acknowledging my existence. I walk past him and down a hallway to the wings of the stage. I feel my emotions swelling as the crowd's cheers overwhelm my ears.

"Hey Julie!" A female voice says. I look behind me to see Maris and Luke smiling. "You've got this."

Never lose your artist's soul.

For what it's worth, I agree with your father.

I fill my brain with the words of my father and Ashton and walk onto the stage.

"Hello New York!" I say in the microphone. The crowd's cheers amplify as I look for the microphone stand. When I find it, I walk over to it and place my microphone inside. Looking for over the crowd and feeling the warmth of the spotlight on my face, I realize I wouldn't be here without Ashton.

Without him pushing my buttons and without his unconditional love, I would probably still be sulking in my black hoodie in my Aunt's house. I feel tears weld in my eyes and ask the audience to sing with me.

I hear the audience join me and a sense of comfort finds it's way into my body. I place my hand over my necklace and feel something strange come over me.

I feel like he's standing next to me.

I feel like he's here, supporting me, loving me.

I am holding onto my composure and singing normally until the bridge of the song comes. I turn around and face the band behind me, trying to ignore the knot in my stomach and the feeling of someone standing next to me. I take a short breath and try to continue the verse, but I can't. I start crying. I put my hand over my mouth and feel tears stream down my face. The audience starts screaming for me and cheering, trying to make me feel better. I look to the wings and see Maris writing something down. She holds up the piece of paper and I see in her writing:

Make him proud.

Memories of him saying how he wanted his father to be proud of him flood my brain and I finally know how he felt. He felt incomplete. I nod to Maris and look down at my microphone, trying to pull together all of the strength that I have. I turn around quickly and put all of my anger, my frustration, my loss, my heartache and my love for Ashton into my music. I finish my last chord of the song I wrote Ashton and feel the platform singing under the stage. I wipe my tears away and try to breathe.

I look to Maris and Luke, who ran down from up top  to see them nodding at me in approval. I nod back and wipe the tears off of my cheeks. I breathe and then move to change my costume.--

----

"Fabulous, Juliet! Absolutely fabulous!" Josh greets me as I walk into my dressing room after the show.

"Thanks." I smile as I sit in my chair and take off the extreme makeup they put on me for the show.

"Okay, one down! Now we have two more shows in the city, then we are moving down to Philadelphia." I nod with an unenthusiastic smile on my face and he can tell my disappointment. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just feel like everything is happening too fast."

"What do you mean too fast?"

"Really, Josh?" I ask, starting to get pissed off.

"What?"

"Don't make me say it out loud."

"I know you went through hell, Juliet, but you have to suck it up."

"You did not just tell me to suck it up. How would you feel if Carmela threw herself in front of a bullet to save your sorry ass?!" I scream, turning to face him. I know bringing up his wife was low move, but he can't tell me to suck this up. He automatically closes his mouth after my statement and looks down to the floor. "Don't tell me to suck this up, Josh."

"I'm sorry. I had no right to do that." He says, looking up at me. "Let's just go back to the hotel and get some sleep. You've got a lot of tour ahead of you."

As I finish taking off my makeup, I put my hair in a messy bun and walk out of the dressing room. The car picks us up behind the concert venue so we can avoid what happened when I went out for the last meet and greet. We drive about twenty minutes to our hotel and see paparazzi blocking the entrance. My team gets out of the car, except for Maris, and tries to make a path so I can get through. Luke gives us a nod of approval and Maris opens the door, putting her arm around me as we run into the hotel.

I never thought my life would be this chaotic.

Song in this chapter:

My Everything- Ariana Grande