Fear will not stop me

1 year

Lena's POV

I look out of my apartment window. I cant believe that Stef has been gone for a year. I feel hands come around my mid section and then lips on my neck. I turn around and look into her eyes.

"Good Morning Bae", she says to me as I kiss her again. "Whatcha thing about?

"Oh nothing", I say back to Lisa. Well I could never tell her who I was really thinking about. We had talked about Stef before and I made it very clear from the beginning of what the situation was. She understood and agree that we would be friend. Well, until recently, after the letter came from Stef about 2 months ago. The things that she wrote I didn't understand.

Stef's letter

Dear L, I know that it has been a long time. Im so sorry that this happen. Things are really bad here. I just cant ask you to wait for me any longer. Im not the same person I was when we met. I really cant explain to you all of the details but I can say that im alive. I have no idea when ill be returning, if ill return at all. This life I never imagine and would never want you to have to be involved with the thing that are now apart of my life. I don't want you sitting around waiting for me. Enjoy your life. maybe one day ill see you again. but for now I say goodbye.

Love S.F

P.S. Remember no one can know of this letter. Please discard it.

I waited 6 months for her and she tells me to move on. I cant say that I'm not anger and bitter. I also have so much resentment.

As Lisa brings me out of my thoughts again I smile at her, kiss her and tell her that I am going to get dressed for work.

Lisa is a great person. We met at one of the teacher/parent meeting at school. Jordan on the other hand wasn't my biggest fan. Jordan had caused the teachers problem since the day he started the 9th grade and he also cause me problems because he was Lisa son. I guess you could say that it was because of the divorce. Which is another reason that he hated me, being that im now with his mom and that caused his dad to start drinking. I tried to stay away from Lisa because of Jordan and mostly because of Stef. I didn't think that it would be fair to Lisa because my heart was with Stef. That's why we came up with the agreement to stay friends. Even though she tried to kiss me a couple of times. And once I got Stef's letter, I kissed her back. If I ever was going to get over Stef, I had to move on. and me being pissed off help tremendously. I can say when the anger will ever be gone but Lisa helps a little with that.

Stef POV

Writing that letter to Lena was the hardest thing that Ive ever had to do. But I didn't deserve her. And I couldn't ask her to wait any longer. Even though we finally had a break in the case and soon would be returning home. I just couldn't face rejection. She could never understand that I have changed as a person. The things that I had to do to stay alive and to gain trust. Yeah I would be praised for my accomplishment of the biggest bust in Arizona but none would know who I was. My name would never be called out. it was a great accomplishment but I felt so defeated. I had to much going on emotional and physically. I had more work to do coming back then going undercover. So much has happen in the last year. Ive been shot, stubbed and even had more tattoos then I could've ever imagine. My hair is cut short and im the skinniest ive ever been. Grey was gone. He had been shot and killed after betraying the kingpin. Try explaining that to the department. I would go months without hearing from anyone. It had become hard to distinguish between undercover and reality. All the ethics I learn when training as a cop were out of the door. I wasn't a cop anymore. That is if I wanted to live. I transformed into another person. I had been in deep. So deep that I felt there was no return. I even forgot about Lena. I had to because other wise I wouldn't be able to get him to fall in love with me. Yes, the Kingpin. That how I brought him down. I'm not proud of it because I started to have feeling for him. I started to help his business grow instead of bringing him down. I was there way longer than I need to be. Grey dying caused me to come back to reality and get the hell out of there. That when I decided to write Lena. If I died the next day at least she would know that I thought about her. But Im still here, alive, at least in body.

Out of my thoughts, I look around the room as evidence is being collected. I see him. His dark eyes, staring at me as he is being dragged out of the hotel room. He is screaming at me but I cant hear anything that is coming out or his mouth. I sit on the bed not knowing what to do, waiting for them to cuff me next. I fell sick. I I try to stand and make a run for it but my legs fell me. I think I am dying as I hit the floor. I must be having a heart attack as I grab my chest. I cant breath. I cant see. I close my eye hoping that I would die just so that I would have peace. They grab me and stand me up. My face is wet from the tears that I have been crying. Its all over this is the end. IM DONE.

This Chapter is not edited. Sorry for the long wait. more to come.