Why? - a Drarry Fanfic

Chapter 2

Harry

After Draco left, I tried to hold it in. I had to. He could come back at any second. But I can't. It was your fault. Everything was your fault. Mom, Dad, Fred ...

Sirius.

They died because you were too weak. After you caused your parents death, you just had to do the same thing to Sirius. And Fred. You were right there... you could have easily saved him. But you didn't...

I close my eyes, but the tears fought through, and soon, I'm crying. I know I told myself I wouldn't, but I know exactly what I need to do.

Eventually, I sit up and reach into my bag, trying to search for it. Finally, after what seems like forever, I feel the cold metal against my fingertips. Finally. I pull it out, and pull up my hoodie sleeve. I look at my reflection in the blade. I look like shit. I usually do, but this was 1,000 times worse.

I turn the blade so it's facing my wrist, and slowly make a cut. My blood slowly seeps out, and falls on the floor. I can almost feel something again. This pain almost makes me happy. I crave more. I make another, and another, until I have four new cuts. With this I'm satisfied, and then bandage my arm, and clean the floor with a few quick spells.

I lay back on the seat and stare at the ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye I see that we're passing a lake and some trees. We can't be at Hogwarts already, can we? I cast a quick Tempus charm, and it's just past three. I definitely have a few more hours.

Draco finally returns, and- wait. What is Hermione doing with him? Why is she here? Is this why he left after my nightmare? He shouldn't have gone to get her. I'm just a burden. I won't hurt her anymore. I won't talk. I won't let them help me with my problems. Whenever I have a problem and let people help, someone gets hurt.

Not anymore. Never again

"Harry..."

I can barely look up. And once I do, I instantly regret it. She looks so worried, and mad. It makes me feel guilty. All she's doing is worrying about a lost cause, and all I'm going to do is hurt her, hurt all of them.

"Harry...Come on. Talk to me. Please?" I can't. All I can really do is shake my head no, and look down at my feet. It's... it's embarrassing.

"Sorry...sorry Hermione..." I finally say in a small voice. I want to stay here. With him. With Malf- Draco. "Fine. You don't have to talk. But, you are coming with me back to our compartment. Now."

Is she serious? 

"No. No." 

I don't want to leave. He had let me sit here with him. I don't quite feel safe, but if I walk out of this compartment, I'll get bombarded by questions about 'How I did it,'. Yes, because that's just what I want to do. Recount the events of how I killed Voldemort. Bloody Fantastic.

"Why? Why do you want to stay here with...him?"

"Because I can, you're not my mom, you're not Mrs.Weasley, so I can do whatever the hell I please," I snap back. She looks hurt for a moment, then angry again. But, she leaves, and Draco closes the curtains and casts another silencing charm.

He looks at me with... longing? 

"Want to talk about it," he asks. I want to. I desperately need to talk to him. About that owl, this summer, about sixth year, about everything. Just not my nightmare. I shake my head, and go back to my position of lying on the seat, facing the wall, hoping to Merlin that I can get some sleep.

I changed into my robes a little while ago, which is good, because we're here. I'm finally home. Things can finally go back to normal.

Hogwarts. I can't believe I'm here. I heard someone shout out to me, but I didn't turn around. I keep walking, head down, not wanting to attract attention. Fail. Everyone's looking at me, and they all assume I can't hear them whispering. Merlin, I don't want to be here anymore.

I arrive at the Great Hall, and sit down next to Ron, even though I don't want to. He moves away from me slightly, but I say nothing.

This is going to be a long year

Mrs. McGonagall does the beginning of term speech, but I don't listen. I don't care. Once she finally finishes, food appears, and everyone digs into it. Everyone except me. Ron looks over at me, his face full. "Why aren't you eating anything mate?" he says, and Hermione looks over as well.

"Look, Harry, I'm sorry for getting mad at you on the train, but you still have to eat something. You haven't talked to anyone, you've been zoning out an awful lot, and you've been ignoring anything that happens around you," she says, her head still in her stupid book.

She really doesn't care, does she? No one does anymore. Maybe if I just...

I push the thought away, and look up at the staff table instead. Remus gives me a smile and a wave, and signals that he wants to talk later. I nod and smile the best I can without it looking fake. I guess it worked because he starts talking to Professor Sprout.

Hermione hasn't said anything else, which is a good thing. Now I don't have to make up any excuses.

The feast is finally starting to end, and the first years are getting restless.

 "Prefects, lead your first years to the dormitories please, and have a good night! Eighth years, stay behind please!" 

Great, what now? All I want to do is get out of here. I long for a blade. My anxiety is slowly getting worse as everyone leaves. As they walk by me, they all point and whisper. My breathing starts to get heavier, and my head starts pounding.

This has never happened before. Not out of the blue like this. This is different, it feels weird, like it'll never end. I try and look down at my feet, but then Mrs. McGonagall says, "Eighth years follow me please," and starts walking away. I can't move. I'm stuck.

Ron and Hermione already left the table, and I can see them waiting at the door for me. I'm finally able to stand up, but I still can't breath. My mind's racing, I can barely walk straight.

In a miracle of events, I'm able to get to where we were going. But we're not at any if our dorms. What's going on?

Shit. I probably missed it. Well great. Now this'll be an even longer year.

Bloody Perfect.