Why? - a Drarry Fanfic

Chapter 21

Harry

The warm summer air had turned cold as the end of October neared. The anniversary of my parents death, drawing near.

I finger the dark purple stone on my necklace, the one I had got from Phoebe. Remus had agreed to loosening my restrictions, so I was now sitting in a Muggle park, alone. Hermione had almost screamed at me going to a park by myself, but here I am.

I sip my Butterbeer from the glass bottle and wipe the cold froth off my lip, and glance at my watch. It tells me I have about fifteen minutes to get back in time for curfew.

The only other people around were some late night joggers, who paid me no attention, so I'm left alone with my thoughts entirely. 

It's funny. I was able to defeat Voldemort, put Death Eaters in Prison, but I can hardly survive myself, I can hardly stand up for myself.

Voldemort. I killed bloody Voldemort. I survived him, my uncle. I made it in a cruel, dark world, without parents or family, and now that all that's all done, and I'm safe, I can't even survive myself.

Almost two months ago I tried to jump. Then I got better. Now I just can't; It's like I'm drowning. 

No, stop. You're Harry Potter. You survived worse than this. You'll be fine.

I chug the rest of my Butterbeer and feel a cold burn as it slides down my throat, get ready to Apparate, make sure I have my wand, and spin on the spot. I arrive in Hogsmeade and begin the walk back to Hogwarts, bracing against the chill. It's almost nine I think.

I walk through the large gates to see Remus waiting for me, which is good because I want to talk to him anyway. 

"Hello, Harry. How was it?" He asks as we walk to his office. "It was fine. Are you busy?"

"Not at the moment, no. Why?" He slows his fast pace to a slow walk.

"I need to talk to you."

"Why? Did something happen?" He turns to look at me with a worried expression on his face.

"No. Not tonight, anyway." I shake my head and look away as he starts to speak again.

"Alright then."

We walk in silence the rest of the short commute, and I steal short glances at him. I wonder if he ever felt, feels, like this.

I sit in one of two armchairs in his office and fumble with my wand in my pocket. "Well, Harry, what did you want to talk about," Remus says, handing me a, this time warm, Butterbeer. I pop off the cap and take a swig. "Well, you know back in September, when I was..." My voice trails off. Remus nods and gestures for me to continue. "It feels like that again."

"As in you want to...?" Remus says, voice panic-stricken. I shake my head. I don't want to die, not now. "Then can you elaborate please?"

"It feels the same as it did before, I guess. Not like I want to die, same, but empty, done." I say. My voice sounds braver then I feel. "What do you mean done?"

"I don't want to die anymore!" I say. What if he thinks I do and sends me to St. Mungos?

"I never said that, nor was I implying it. I want to understand." He says calmly, and takes a swig from his own Butterbeer.  "Okay, okay. I don't know. That's just how I can describe it. I feel done, like there's no more energy to do anything anymore. But it's weird, because it's not the exact same. Before it was kind of numb, but now I can still care, and I see reasons not to die.

"So, do you have any idea what's happening?" I ask. He leans forward slightly and nods. "I think your still healing, and that it won't go away even with counseling in less then two months, Hare. I know you want to feel normal, but that might take a while." He says. "It also might have something to do with your parents. There anniversary of death coming closer by the day."

"But, that happened every year, and every other year-"

"Other stuff was happening. You didn't even know when they died until you came to Hogwarts in your first year. Look at it this way," Remus says, and I pay attention. "In your first year, you were just learning about the wizarding world. Second, you were worried about Dobby, and then the attacks. Third, Sirius broke out. Fourth, the tri-wizard tournament. Fifth, you already know. Sixth, you also already know, as for seventh. This is the first year you can really feel."

I think about it. He's right, as usual. "I guess... probably, actually. Any idea what I should do?"

"I have an idea. What were you going to do on the 31st?" Remus says as he crosses one leg over the other and finishes his Butterbeer. I've barely touched mine. "I dunno, go to a bar with Ron or Draco or something?" I say, not so sure of it now. 

"So how about we do something else. Why don't we go to Godric's Hollow and visit them, instead of drowning yourself in alcohol?" I nod. "Just us?"

Remus nods also. "Just us. I think it'll be good for you, really visiting them for the first time."

I silently agree with him and drink some of my Butterbeer. "Would you every send me to St. Mungos?" I say without thinking. "Why would I do that?"

"I just - Would you ever send me to a psych ward?" I say. He doesn't answer right away, which worries me. Finally, he spoke up. 

"No. Not right now, no. But, if you ever were serious about suicide and tried again... and I- we couldn't talk you out of it at all, then yes, I might consider it."

"So, hypothetically, if I were ever suicidal again, and you all were able to talk me out of it or I wasn't actively trying to kill myself, then you wouldn't? Only if I were..."

"If I felt you were a danger to yourself, then yes. Right now I do not, and I don't think it will ever get to that point, so don't worry about it that much."

I smile despite myself. "Okay."

Remus summons another Butterbeer for himself. "Are you okay then?" He asks, giving me another also. "Yes, I think I'll be okay."

"Anything else?" Remus says. I shake my head. "No." I say. I feel better now that I talked about it. "So, are you going to stay a little bit, or you going to your dorm?"

I let out a small laugh as I finish my Butterbeer. "I'll stay for a little bit. So, what's up?"

Remus let out a hearty laugh, and I joined him.