you can stay | changlix ✔︎

three

~seo changbin~

my condition had gotten worse, at least that's what they said. i knew my sickness was no good, but soon enough i'd be killing myself from the inside out. i'd practically decompose. as much i wanted to say i was ready for that, i wasn't. i wished almost daily i'd finally accept my fate, death. but now everything had changed, and my views changed with it. my life was already hard and i just had to receive a blond, freckled boy as my stupid next door neighbor.

i can not fall in love. it'd be impossible. all it'd create was unneeded tension and pain, for both of us. yet i never felt this before, sure i've had silly crushes, but felix was different. he was outgoing and flirty, and i couldn't forget how our eyes met through the glass of my front door. i wanted to kiss him ever since our short phone call, but that's utterly impossible. he'd die. i would kill him.

i needed to remove him from my life, well more like i needed him to remove me from his. even if nothing were to happen between us, and we stayed friends, that would still hurt both of us tremendously. i'd keep it cliche, tell him that i was a loner and didn't need friends. he'd try to argue, and i'd be a jerk so he'd hate me in the end. then i'd probably return to my nights of crying to sleep because i hated being so alone.

i looked down at my phone, staring at the stupid nickname i had set him contact as, and i hate to admit it but i wondered if he had one for me. i hoped he didn't or this would just be so much harder.

binnie
i need to talk to you
call me.

lix
okay give me a second

i had locked myself in the bathroom, making sure i was hidden from the world. not that i wasn't already, but it made me feel safe. i sat with my back against the bathtub and my knees pulled to my chest. people weren't supposed to become important to you within days, why was i feeling like this?

my phone began to ring, and i saw felix's nickname flash onto the screen. i answered and held the phone to my ear. "hey felix."

"hi binnie. i actually wanted to talk to you too. is everything okay?" binnie. he had a nickname for me already, no no no. this wasn't supposed to happen.

i let the silence filter between us for a minute or so, and finally got the courage to speak. "you don't know me. i was built to be alone, i don't know why, but it was just made that way. i really appreciate you caring for me, and wanting to be my friend. but you don't need me."

"changbin, no one is made to go through this life alone. it'd be impossible. i'm not understanding why you'd say this all of a sudden, i thought we were becoming good friends?"

his voice wasn't as confident as it usually was. he already sounded hurt. felix was fun, and there was no doubt he was popular. he probably had tons of friends, so why was he so hung up on this?

"you don't get it-"

"don't think i don't see it changbin. there's men in hazmat suits going in and out of your house. you never open a single window. your family never comes home. help me understand."

my heart stopped. no one had ever noticed. no neighbor had ever come knocking on my door to ask if i was okay. no one ever wondered how a teenager paid for a house all alone. i was invisible.

"i can hurt you, felix. and i'd never want to hurt you, but i can. so please just get rid of me now, while it'll hurt less for the both of us."

"hurt me then because i'm not going anywhere."

"you could die."

"take me to my casket, binnie."

"everything i touch fucking dies! stop acting like you can make everything okay. i killed my mom, felix. she's dead just because i gave her a hug one day. i'm a killer, so i have to be alone. let me be alone."

and there it was, my darkest secret. and now it was out to a boy i had met a few weeks ago. she was gone, and i was locked up in this house for it. i was a prisoner to my disease.

"you are not a murderer, changbin. you were a child who didn't know he was sick. that is not your fault. i'm not leaving you."

"i k-killed her, lix. she's a-all gone. i can't hurt y-you. don't l-let me hurt you." i allowed the tears to stream down my face. i had never cared about a stranger this much, but he couldn't stay.

it felt as if he was with me, and i listened to his words as i cried softly. "i'm not going anywhere. you have me, okay? we can figure this out."

"i can't fall in love, felix. it will ruin me."

"love isn't a choice, binnie." and he ended the call.

i couldn't move, so i allowed myself to just sit on the cold floor waiting for something to happen. waiting for my life to suddenly change and for my disease to go away.

he chose to stay. i don't think i'd ever get over that.

tears streamed down my face and all i could envision was my mother. how her hair framed her face perfectly or how her eyes held such happiness. she was truly an angel on earth, she was too good for this world, but i shouldn't have taken her out of it.

i wished she was here. she would put on a bulky, white hazmat suit and hold me until i felt wanted. she'd sing me silly lullabies from my childhood, and poke my stomach to hear my laugh. i'd give up so much to just see her face one more time.