you can stay | changlix ✔︎

nineteen

~lee felix~

"honey, you can't leave the hospital. the doctors still aren't sure how you'll respond to the outside world, or how you'll effect anything else. i'm sorry felix, but i have to keep you here." my mom stayed by my side throughout this whole hospital quarantine thing. it was nice to have her to complain to and cry to and you know all that.

"mom please, just bring me home. i'll distance myself from the world either way. i don't ever want to see anyone again anyway."

"felix, why are you being like this? you weren't like this just yesterday. are you okay?"

"changbin doesn't like me anymore. i sound like a child now, but i just know it."

her hands cupped my face and she held me in her arms as i tried not to cry. i couldn't even try to piece together what changbin felt anymore. maybe i was overreacting, but he changed overnight. i felt like we were strangers again, and i wish he'd just get rid of me instead of dragging this on for so long. if he doesn't want me, then he should just say it.

"well maybe we can leave the hospital for just a little bit." i looked at my mom and a small smile spread across my face as i reached for my phone.

~seo changbin~

i've never broken up with anyone before. i mean i had never really been in a relationship either, but here i am and i'm terrible at it. i wanted to go see felix, but i'd probably kill half the environment just trying to get to the hospital. what i life i lived. i wasn't trying to play the victim because truly i was the one doing all the damage.

binnie <3
hey felix

lix <3
hi open the door
read

he couldn't really be here, could he? then there it was the sound of the glass door opening and the soft knock on the wooden door. he was really here. my steps started slowly, but quickly picked up the pace and i was running to the door. my hand reached the door handle without any hesitation and soon our eyes were locked together again.

"felix h-hey."

"hi changbin." his voice wasn't bubbly anymore, and his eyes weren't bright as usual. he entered my house without a single sign of truly wanting to be here. my heart dropped as he passed by me.

before closing the door my eyes met felix's mother who was sitting in the driver's seat of the car felix and i took to the beach. she looked sad and impatient. i closed the door and turned around, but felix hadn't waited for me.

"felix?"

"in the kitchen."

i followed his voice and eventually saw him leaning against the kitchen's island. he visibly had no energy and looked as if he could pass out at any moment. "lix, sit down."

"i'm okay like this." his eyes trailed up and down me and he started to smile before his lips faded into a frown once more. "you're wearing the sweatshirt i sent you."

"i haven't really taken it off...is everything okay, felix? you seem-"

"heartbroken? hurt? in the middle of a one sided relationship? yeah sounds about right."

"i take it you have no interest in even hearing my side of things?"

"what's your side, bin? you just want to break up, and i came here to help you out."

"then do it, felix. just do it then."

"w-what? i thought-"

"you thought i wanted to break your heart and leave you for my sake. i'm doing this for you! don't you see now that you should've never even tried to befriend me. you could've been living a great life, always out with your friends and in constant laughter. but you're dying lix because you couldn't stand me on the brink of death myself. this is my fault and i just want to fix it. so yeah, i was going to push you away and make you hate me. don't you understand now?"

i finished my last sentence with eyes filled with tears. i could feel the droplets cascading down my face, and he just stared at me. his eyes were wide and regretful, but so lifeless. imagine not being able to be with the one person that has ever truly loved you. oh wait, that's exactly what's happening.

i can easily admit that sometimes i was overly dramatic when it came to my relationship, but my intentions were never wrong. i swore to myself that i would do anything to protect felix, and i thought i was doing a good job until i realized i was just hurting him more and more.

"does that mean you still like me?" felix smiled slightly and wiped a lonesome tear from his eye.

i couldn't help but to laugh through my tears. "lix, i love you. i never stopped, not once."

he stumbled over to me, using the last of his energy to end up in my arms. i felt him collapse into my arms, yet his smile hadn't faded since we touched. his head rested on my shoulder and his fingers wrapped around the loops of my pants. "i'm sorry, binnie. i'm really sorry about this."

"felix, you shouldn't be sorry for anything."

"what if i'm tired of fighting one day?"

"what are you saying?" he lifted his head up and our eyes met. we were so close, yet i had never felt so disconnected from felix. i had never seem him so dull.

"i'm sick, changbin. we all know it, and it sucks. what would you do if i just stop trying?"

"n-no."

"i'm so tired."

"you said you wouldn't leave. we have so much left to do. no you can't. without you there's no me. i don't have anyone, lix."

"you never fail to make me smile. your eyes always sparkle when you talk to me. i like hearing the sound of your voice over the phone. your jokes are cheesy, but i love them regardless. you make me feel like a prince among ordinary people-"

"stop."

"you dress pretty dark, yet you're a big softie. your cheeks get big whenever you eat, and it makes me giggle."

"stop it."

"you would do anything to keep me safe."

"felix stop."

"you were the first person to really love me. the first one to mean it and act on it."

"we aren't saying goodbye, felix. we only do this when something bad happens. you aren't doing this."