you can stay | changlix ✔︎

twenty one

~seo changbin~

felix and i had been silent as we laid in his hospital bed. i held him in my arms as his thin arms wrapped around my torso. felix had always been on the smaller side, but now he was practically just bones. he had lost all the weight he barely had to begin with. the bones in his face were far more prominent. i felt as if i was holding a skeleton, yet his smile was so wide every time our eyes met.

"is this really it? will this be our last day together, lix?"

"it's not up to me anymore. i know i can technically make my own medical decisions, but since there is no explanation for anything happening to me, there's no decision to make."

"you can get through this, felix."

"that's up to my doctors."

it wasn't fair. how was it up to some stranger whether my boyfriend was to see another day? why did i have to accept it? we haven't had enough time together. we didn't do all the things we dreamed of.

our heart beats were in sync as we laid in silence. neither of us knew what to say to the other. i wanted to be able to hold him forever, but i knew that sooner rather than later i would be forced to let go, and felix would just be a body. the moment his heart stopped and his brain waves went flat, he was no longer the boy i love, he would just be a body. he would be someone i didn't know. i tried to convince myself it was okay, yet i don't think i could bear to see him without a bright gleam in his eyes.

"i knew you would make it, bin. i knew you wouldn't allow me to go without saying goodbye."

"this isn't goodbye, lix. it's just a see you later, okay? we'll meet again, in another life. and we'll pick up where we started." our eyes met, but my vision was clouded by a stream of tears. the thought of seeing felix again somewhere, someday, was the only thing that was going to save me from my sorrows.

"don't dwell on the thought of me. you're allowed to fall in love again. whether it's with a person or with life itself. i won't be upset with you."

"you're the only one i love, felix. it sounds silly, but it's true. you may have been my first, yet you're my last too. and it's selfish, but if you will, please wait for me. i'll meet you in the afterlife eventually."

his smile was sad. maybe he didn't want to wait for me, it was stupid to ask anyway. who knows, maybe love after death wasn't possible, but the slight chance it might be warmed my heart.

"you're my eternity, changbin."

although my eyes were locked on the angel before me, i felt the stares that targeted us. felix's doctors and his parents. they were coming to tell us it was time. it made no sense in my head, if he wasn't to get better then why kill him off? to make me miserable? to destroy his family? no no, it was to stop felix's suffering, i knew that. i just didn't want to admit it.

"good afternoon boys. changbin, i'm dr. lim. as you may have guessed, i believe it's time to turn off the machines and take out the iv drips." her face was filled with regret, she didn't want to see felix go either. "felix, it's time to fight on your own. you got this, okay?"

i held the fragile boy in my arms as dr. lim carefully unplugged each medical machine helping felix to stay alive. she reached for his arm, pulling the iv out gently. the world felt still, quiet, safe even. felix smiled brightly, as tears strolled down his face.

"you don't have to be strong for me, felix. i won't let go. i'm here."

his parents sat next to him, crying silently in each others embrace. i could never imagine the feeling of not being able to save your most prized possession, one's child. i ruined their one true love. the chance of them recovering from this is fairly low, and they'd probably resent me for an eternity.

"ch-changbin, it h-hurts..."

"shh shh, just look at me. yeah that's it, hi pretty boy."

his eyes struggled to stay opened, and his smile was turning to one of pain. his grip around my torso loosened unintentionally. i pulled his head to my chest, letting felix's tears soak into my thin shirt. my chin rested on his head, my own tears streaming slowly.

"i love you, felix. forever."

he inhaled aggressively, looking into my eyes one last time. he smiled sincerely one last time, before falling lifelessly into my embrace. my heart dropped, and i was still.

"n-no...hey wake up. felix? wake up! no no no-"

he's not gone. not yet, no. i started to slightly shake the boy, in attempts to wake him from his rest. "wake up, lix. it's me, binnie. w-wake up!"

his head hung, and he weighed more due to his dead weight. he was just a body weighing me down now. felix wasn't here. he was gone the minute his eyes closed. this was just a stranger.

i shook my head, getting off of the hospital bed. i looked at the body before me and saw no one i knew. just another freckle faced boy, one i loved in this life. i fixed his posture, and tucked the covers around him. i wiped my tears and placed a final kiss on his forehead.

"see you soon, felix. i hope you wait for me." and i left the hospital. being completely honest i don't entirely know what i did next. i just mourned.

***

twenty five days since losing the one person i ever loved. i had spent my time cooped up in my house. today was different though, i put on the sweater felix had gifted me, and the pair of ripped black jeans he said fit well on me. i even washed up.

i stood in the doorway of my house, looking at the sad house of felix's parents. they were leaving town, i don't know when but they've been packing their things. sometimes i laughed at the thought of them leaving. i don't know why. i didn't know much anymore.

my hand gripped the door handle, and i found myself standing in my driveway. i wanted to see the planet rot away. the universe took away my sunshine, so it should crumble at my touch.

i laughed and laughed, as i laid in the soft green grass of my front lawn. i could hear the neighbors coming to see what was going on, and i'm sure they were amused to say the least. i felt the soft green around me start to wilt, and i could picture the dark brown color i would leave behind. the small flowers that just started to bloom would have their lives cut short. my world was dead, both literally and figuratively. how beautiful is that?

i felt him with me. i knew felix was laying next to me in the now dead greenery. he knew it was my way of grieving, and he didn't resent me for it. his hand hovered over my cheek and i melted at his presence.

i was still in love, and he would never leave me no matter how much bad i did. after all it was my way of moving on. my laughter continued and i swear i heard felix whisper the words "i love you."

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thank you so much for coming on this journey with me!! this book started on valentine's day and it's now ending nearing halloween :o
i hope you all enjoyed the story and come back to read my other books :)
love you and thank you for your support <3