you can stay | changlix ✔︎

eight

~seo changbin~

his eyes shot open, and he was gasping for air. his blond hair fell effortlessly across his forehead, yet he struggled to breathe. it had been four hours too many. was this the end? would i just sit and watch the boy i was falling for die? a rather painful death if i must add, but i couldn't touch him. i wouldn't make that mistake again.

i watched from my constraints as felix turned a bright red color before fading into the palest color i had ever seen. i wanted nothing more than to look away, but it was nearly impossible. his hands gripped the white sheets around him, and the veins in his neck were so prominent. i felt as if i was watching a horror movie in which the setting was a hospital, and felix was the unfortunate patient.

why didn't he wake up when he was supposed to? why wasn't he magically okay?

then he stopped.

no movement came from his direction or mine. his eyes remained closed, and a tear rolled down my own. his grip on the sheet faded and soon he was practically lifeless. a deadweight body. i pulled each iv out of my arm, and ripped my way through the plastic separating us. he was an angel upon his deathbed.

i fell to the floor beside him, allowing my fingers to run through his hair. "hey lix, you're okay. it's going to be okay. just wake up, you can do it. i'm right here baby."

i wasn't ever leaving either. my opposite hand found felix's, and i felt his faint pulse. this wasn't the end, i wouldn't believe it even if it was. we haven't had enough time. we haven't exchanged enough words. we haven't argued or disagreed or stopped talking for silly reasons yet. now was not his time.

"i'm right here." i looked at him, and wished for just a second that we could trade places. i wished i was the one gasping for air because i was ready. i could leave this world now if i had to, felix has too much to live for.

his body lost all consciousness, and his head fell to the side. blood fell from his nose and tears fell from his eyes, yet he didn't move an inch. i used my hand to wipe everything away, and rested my head on his barely moving chest.

never say goodbye because you and i are one. we will walk in the same dream. please just smile next to me like you are now. farther than tomorrow, longer than forever. i love you.

i found myself humming the lyrics to a love song i hadn't written down earlier that week. it seemed stupid then, but now the feelings i portrayed through the words felt real.

"lix, i really hope you're still in there. i'm so sorry. please come back."

i couldn't help it anymore and my tears fell onto the forever sleeping felix. i wished he was just dreaming, and soon he'd wake up with no worry in the world. and i wished his parents were okay.

i shouldn't have let him stay. i should've just pushed him and pushed him until he hated me so badly. i should've just gotten rid of myself when i had the chance.

"i'm sorry i did this to you felix. i'm sorry i can't just be normal for you."

i felt a small squeeze on my hand. "i-i'd kiss you all o-over again even if it meant this."

tears flooded my eyes and all i could do was hold felix's face in my hands. his eyes were fluttering opened and closed, and his smile was appearing once more. the color of his skin was still rather pale, but it'd get better. oh and when his nose scrunched up, i cried just a bit more.

"i wasn't going to give up, not if it meant losing my binnie."

"i thought...i thought i was going to...going to-"

"hey hey, i'm back okay? this isn't your fault, just come lay with me for a while. just don't leave."

~lee felix~

the couch in the living room was definitely not fitting for two people to lay down at a time, but changbin had curled up right beside me anyway. his head rested in the crook of my neck, and he occasionally snored quietly. yeah yeah, he already had fallen asleep. news flash, he's a big baby.

his arms wrapped around me tightly, and i felt so safe. but no matter what i felt now i was still scared. although we were together and okay in the moment, i couldn't help but to think i was just some rare case. i was the case that was good and healthy for a few days before bursting out into incurable sickness.

i missed my parents, and the few days without them felt like years. i wanted to tell them everything would be okay, yet i feel like i'd be lying. i just wish this relationship i had going on was normal. i wish i could just bring changbin home whenever i wanted to and let him meet my family and bake cookies with him. but god forbid i'm happy, right?

i never wanted to leave him, but part of me was scared of him. it was such a small part of, and it happened to be the intellectual part of me which told me to run so far away as soon as i knew i was okay, yet all i wanted to do was stay.

my fingers played with his dark hair, and i tried to smile although it was hard. he stirred a little and eventually looked up at me with his sleepy eyes. his cheek was red from resting on me, but his eyes were brighter than ever.

"hey there."

"i really like you, lix."

"i guess we don't feel the same then..." i watched as his face dropped and his eyebrows furrowed.

"i-i, oh okay."

i chuckled, squishing his cheeks with my hand. "i think you're forgetting i already admitted to being head over heels in love with you, bin."

"you really..?"

"more than anything."

you'll be the death of me seo changbin. i kept the thought to myself with a smile, but it felt as if my lungs were no longer receiving air.

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stream neverending story - stray kids (written by changbin himself)

also i did stay selca day on twitter today if you'd like to check that out @love4sungie 👀