you can stay | changlix ✔︎

four

tw // suicidal thoughts?

~lee felix~

everyone likes cookies, right? i sure hope so because i spent my whole morning making cookies for changbin. food always cheers me up when i'm sad, and i know he needs a pick-me-up. my parents were both at work, so i didn't have them breathing down my neck asking all sorts of questions. because quite frankly i probably couldn't answer them anyway. 

how was i even going to give them to him? could he come outside at all? is he allergic to anything?

i guess i'll find out. i just want him to smile more, and i don't want him to blame everything on himself. his sickness was a curse in itself and he can't control it. he just doesn't comprehend that, being completely honest i don't think i'd ever be able to be in his situation.

i placed each cookie on my mother's least favorite tray, just in case i didn't ever get it back. surprisingly i actually use my brain sometimes.

i feel like this whole gesture could be really weird in changbin's eyes, but it's the thought that counts. i like changbin, he's obviously a lot different than any other person i've ever liked. but he's sweet, and for someone who has absolutely no experience in the romance department... he's so captivating.

lix
come to your front door :)

binnie
huh?

lix
why do you always ask questions?
just listen to me

binnie
okay felix calm down

i slipped into some sneakers and walked across the street with the tray in my hands. i presented my best smile, and watched changbin's front door swing open. his eyes met mine and he smiled back, but when he saw my cookies his face dropped.

he stood about a foot from the glass screen, and his eyes were looking at anything but me. "lix, what is all this?"

"do you not like cookies?"

"no it's not that. i like cookies for sure, it's just i can't take them from you."

"i can just leave them on the front steps, and when i leave you can come and take them. i don't even need the tray back." i placed the tray down, showing him that we wouldn't have to make contact at all. his fingers tangled together and his foot tapped anxiously.

his eyes met mine and his hand pressed to the glass. i felt my cheeks heat up a bit, and placed my hand on top of his. sure, we weren't actually touching but it felt nice. i felt trusted.

"i'll call you later?"

"sounds good! tell me how you like the cookies, it's my moms recipe."

i backed away from the steps, accidentally knocking a pot of flowers over. i quickly picked it up, and changbin's laugh could be heard behind me.

~seo changbin~

felix was sitting on the street's curb, and i could tell he was waiting for me to come out and get the cookies. he was quite obviously proud of his work and more than excited for me to have them. it was so odd having someone who truly cared about being in my life.

i was still i little nervous to go outside, i don't even remember the last time i had a fresh breath of air. i looked at felix once more, taking in his beautiful smile, then i placed my hand on the screen doors handle and allowed myself the open it.

the air hit my face and i almost couldn't breathe. it felt too good to be true. i felt as if i was in heaven. it was so chilly, and i almost wanted to stay out long enough so i could freeze solid. but instead i shook my head and reached for the tray of two dozen cookies.

i noticed a lone flower laying only a few inches from the tray. it must've dropped when felix knocked the pot over. and before i could even think i picked it up to put it in the vase.

but my heart dropped as it wilted in my hands, turning dark and ugly. i killed it with a single touch. i blinked over and over, not believing it, for i had forgotten what it felt like to drain the life out of something.

i looked up, seeing a wide eyed felix staring back at me. he looked like a statue and i don't think he had any intent on moving. i dropped the flower, just staring in horror as it fell back to the steps.

before i could take another breath i had barricaded myself back in my empty house. why did i let him stay?

my phone rang in my back pocket, but i ignored it. and eventually resorted to shutting it down altogether. the only thing i'd ever be good at was killing the beauty in this world. i deserved your be alone.

lix
changbin, are you okay???
delivered

lix
binnie it's okay really
it's a flower
delivered

lix
let me know you're okay
delivered

lix
you will never hurt me
i know you won't
not sent. try again?

i know what felix is thinking right now, 'it's just a flower, they die all the time.' but what he doesn't understand is that i killed it just by a simple touch. i could legitimately breathe on something and it would die. i hurt anything without any warning.

my father used to make me see a therapist after my mother's death, and she'd always say "tomorrow's another day to improve and move forward." honestly i don't know what she thought saying that to a child would achieve, yet i guess it worked because it's still stuck in my head. but it really meant nothing if you thought about it. what did she expect me to believe? my illness would just fade? or i'd eventually just get used to death? no one ever gets used to death unless they're insane.

i wasn't insane, i was just cursed. and sometimes i thought the disease wasn't the curse, but it was the mindset i acquired. the two in the morning thoughts, the darkness floating in my head, the voices telling me it'd only hurt for a second and it was just a blade.

yeah changbin, it was just a blade. blood didn't scare you anyway.