you can stay | changlix ✔︎

five

~lee felix~

i hadn't seen him in days. everyday i'd come home from school and knock at his door, but no one answered. i called his phone and it went straight to voicemail. my texts stayed undelivered. there was no movement at all. he had truly isolated himself.

part of me was actually in reality, and i knew that technically changbin was still a stranger to me. we've known each other for just a few weeks not even. but the other thang of me thought it was my job to make sure this boy was okay because i cared so much.

changbin was nothing like anyone i've ever met, and i've met hundreds of people. on the outside he was so dark and closed off, but once you knew him he was an angel in disguise. he made the funniest jokes, told me little facts only the smartest of people would know, oh and my favorite thing was when he talked about music. he must've had endless hours to just explore the music world, and he was so detailed in the way he picked apart each song.

he seemed unreal, practically perfect. he could be known worldwide, he could be the most successful man in the world, i knew he could do whatever he put his mind to. he deserved nothing more than to explore the rest of the world like he explored books and music and the world he knew. i wanted to give him everything he couldn't have because he deserved it more than anyone else.

i don't care what anyone says about him, they don't know him. they don't know the changbin hidden behind his picture perfect house. my only wish in the world is for him to be able to explore the world, and maybe bring me along with me.

people would call me crazy if they heard the things i thought. they'd think i was insane for taking such a liking to a boy that i have no chance with at all, unless i just carve getting hurt. but god, i really like this one. i was going mad over him.

would a simple kiss really kill me? it seemed impossible. i wanted it to be impossible.

so there i was at nearly one in the morning just fawning over this boy i could never be with. a little text couldn't hurt.

lix
are you up?

binnie
you should be sleeping
it's a week day

lix
oh my god
you're okay

lix
i haven't heard from you
in days

binnie
i'm sorry
i haven't been that well

lix
can i come over?

binnie
w-what?

lix
just open the front door
seen

my bedroom was on the second floor, but i didn't have to sneak out anyway. my parents were sleeping and i doubt they'd wake up, and if they did they'd "yell" at me and tell me not to do it again at most.

i slipped into a black hoodie and some shoes then i made my way downstairs to the front door. i walked a little faster than usual because i couldn't wait to see changbin. my heart sped up a bit and before i could even knock on the door changbin opened it. but then again, a glass door separated us.

"hey, it's been a while." i smiled a bit, and sat down on the front step. changbin followed my lead and leaned his body against the glass. if we were in any normal state of being, i would've rested my head on his shoulder but here we were.

"yeah, i'm sorry about that. i shouldn't have just disappeared." his eyes never met mine, but at least his apology was genuine.

i glanced at him and sighed. "tell me what i can do to make you happy."

"felix you do make me...h-happy."

"you're a bad liar."

he started to shake a bit, and all i wanted to do was hold him. but i couldn't i never could. i've heard changbin cry over the phone once and it absolutely broke me, but now that he was right here and i couldn't do anything. i felt useless.

"you make me so sad, lix. every time i even think about you i feel so empty. i'll never be able to give you anything. we can't hang out after you come home from school. we can't watch movies late at night, and then you'd end up just sleeping over. i can't give you my sweatshirts or make cookies with you at two in the morning. i'm not normal."

i wanted to cry so badly but i couldn't. i needed to be strong for him always. i needed him to be okay.

"changbin no, don't think like that. i love all of our phone calls and i love visiting you all the time. you don't owe me anything, okay? you don't need to give me anything at all. just having you is enough. god, if we never even met and you were just my neighbor i'd be happy. you're right here even if it isn't physical."

he looked at me with his puffy red eyes, and all i could see was pain. why couldn't i take it away from him? why was it him that had to live this life? he deserved so much more.

"you deserve the universe, binnie. you're smart and kind hearted and talented. you could take over the world if you wanted. i wish i could give that to you."

"i want to hug you so badly. but i can't hurt you, felix. all that'd do is make me hurt myself more than i have. i want you, but it's impossible."

i stood up from the ground, looking down at the unlocked glass door handle. a simple turn of the handle and i'd be right there with him. nothing would separate us anymore.

he started standing up himself, and when he started to wipe his eyes i grabbed the handle.

everything was a blur, but suddenly my hands were on his face and our lips were connected.

how could something feel so good, yet so painful at the same time?