Recklessly (Lumity)

Chapter One - Same Old Feelings

Luz's P.O.V
"Luz, wake up kiddo!" The voice of my mother cut off my dream, snapping me from the worst of my nightmares. Usually I lay here for a couple minutes but today was one of those days that I wanted to get up before I fell into another horrible sleep.

"Be right there mom!" I shouted down the stairs before rushing to my closet, pulling out random clothes and nearly throwing them onto my body. I tripped over the shoes that were scattered all over my messy floor. I really need to clean my room but not right now.

"Hey, you got up quickly, something wrong? You got that 'like you've seen a ghost' look on your face." My mom, Eda, put two pancakes on my plate and looked over at me, analyzing my every move. She worries about me a lot, knowing that I have nightmares almost every night and bullies who push me around every day. I used to be optimistic about everything, even when people laughed at me, even when life pushed me hard. Now everything's different. My real mother died when I was 14 and Eda adopted me, she's basically been my mother the whole time though. Still doesn't help the pain I feel almost everyday from losing both my parents.

"I'm fine mom, just another nightmare," I stabbed my fork into the pancake and ate a piece, "same old, same old." She looked at me with sympathy mixed with worry. I could never look at her when she had that expression, it hurt me more than anything. I hate when people worry about me, I can take care of myself, I'm just fine.

I sat in silence as I finished both my pancakes and gulped my milk down quickly. Pushing away from the table, I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. The bus is usually two minutes early to pick me up. I've thought about getting my license so I can drive myself to school but my motivation to do so is lacking very hard. I combed through my short hair to make sure it didn't look like I rolled right out of bed, even though I did.

When I saw the bus roll up next to me, I grabbed the straps of my backpack and walked up the steps and into the bus. People glared at me with either hatred or disgust, that's about how everyone looks at me. I ignored their stares and sat where I normally do, alone in the front, next to the driver. With my head down, my eyes stayed glued to the details of the floor, even if it is just black. The driver is the only person that likes me on this bus, she says that I should try to sit next to someone one day and just see what happens. That thought is absolutely terrifying. I don't even know why people hate me so much, some say it's because I'm weird, others say it's because I'm not worth anything. I do my best to push the negative comments away but it's hard.

I could feel everyone's stares burning into the back of my head. My heartrate picked up and I wanted so much to run off this bus and all the way home, but I knew I couldn't do that. My hands were gripping my legs as my body started to shake. Anxiety bubbled inside of my chest and tears threatened to fall but I pushed everything away and pulled out my phone to frantically look for a distraction. My phone lit up with the time, just three more minutes until we're at the school. I can make it just three more minutes.

It seemed like forever before the bus finally stopped in front of the school. I jumped from my seat and booked it from the bus to Hexside High School. People pushed past me to get into the building, my body was frozen just five feet from the entrance. This happens just about everyday.
I wanted more than anything to be who I used to be. My happy and optimistic self became anxious and scared of everyone and everything. I don't know exactly what changed but it all started with my mom dying, and from then everything just sort of...crumbled.

Before I realized it my feet were turning away from the entrance and walking away. For some reason my anxiety is worse today, and I wanted to die right here in front of the school. I knew that wouldn't happen but I've had a million nightmares about it and I have them all memorized. Something pulled me from my deep thoughts as I felt someone push me to the ground.

"I am so so sorry, are you okay?" A male voice came from above me and it took me a second to realize what happened. Usually people push me on purpose but he didn't. Guess something new happens everyday.