Falling To The Sun | B. Swan + E. Cullen

quarante-trois

There were times, little moments that were there in an instant and gone with a flash, that Roman wondered what her life would have been like if she had made one single decision differently, if she had taken a different road instead of the quickest route.

There were lots of things that could have changed. Little things, easy things. Things that could have put her somewhere else at the wrong time, at the right time.

Roman could have decided not to return to camp just yet, she could have stayed a little longer with Seth or have not left at all. She could have placed herself as a shield or a wall between the pair of them, but she hadn't and she shouldn't have needed to but apparently it was needed when it shouldn't have been.

And underneath all of the paingriefmourning there was a wave of burning anger that she had no clue who to aim it at. She wanted to kill Jacob, that much was a given, but it wasn't like he was the one that she was engaged to.

She had more than enough right to be mad at him -- he was a homewrecker -- but it wasn't entirely his fault.

Bella was just as much, if not more to blame. She was kissing him back. She was in a closed relationship and kissing him back.

Did she really hate the idea of matrimony so much that she would try to sabotage the whole thing? Did Roman really matter so little that Bella saw no issue in doing something like this? Did Edward have no issue with any of this? Because she had no doubt that he could hear every little thing and that he must have known that she was heading back in that direction.

It was making her sick to her stomach, queasy as she collapsed against the side of a tree, shoulder thumping with a dull pain that makes her sobs hitch before stinking again at full force.

Oh God. Oh God! Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. How can this be happening? After everything that they've been through, after everything that they've decided, how could this be happening?

Edward must know, must have known, and part of her raged with betrayal at the thought of him just letting it happen, letting the pieces fall together, but more than that, she felt like his grief and heartbreak was the same as hers.

Because she knew, that no matter how stupid she was, that this was a sign that she should walk away, save herself the pain, but she hated herself just as much as she was a foolish lovesick girl.

There had to be a good reason for this because she knew how faithful a person that Bella was. It didn't forgive a thing, but it gave her the sense she needed to calm herself and settle her thoughts enough to smother her tears for now. 

An explanation could make her feel better, would help clear things, but there was no time for that now.

She needed to hide at the very least, stuff herself away so that she would be safe from any wayward newborns.

"Roman," Edward says softly but his voice does little to soothe her. "We have to go back. It's starting soon."

"I'm staying here."

"It's not safe," he says gentle and firm.

"I'm not going back there. I'll do something I'll regret."

His fingers are icy as they wipe away her tears. "You won't. You're too good and pure for that."

Her nose scrunches, wet lashes brushing against her cheek as she rolls her eyes. "I'll kill him if I see him. It's not just his fault, I know that, but I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I just hate him so much."

"I know."

"It's just... it's just everything he does is so terrible. It's like no matter what he is the epitome of bad things," she murmurs, staring unseeing at the canopy above her. "Is it wrong to wish that he would just disappear? Or that I never have to see him again?"