It's Harder Breathing Next To You // KELLIC

5

"Kellin."

I gazed out the window at the birds fluttering around in the trees.

"Kellin."

I wish I were a bird so I could fly away and never come back.

"Mr Quinn!" I finally paid attention to the stern voice. I looked up and saw Mr Gee towering over my desk. I don't know how long he was standing there for and I didn't really care either. I looked back out the window, resting my arms and head on the desk. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a pink detention slip fall onto my desk.

"Weirdo." Someone said.

"Faggot." Craig's voice pulled me back down to reality. I looked up at him but didn't respond. The teacher ignored him too apparently.

"So Kellin, how'd you like that milkshake?" Craig ridiculed.

I ignored him and looked down at my detention slip. Wait, what was this for? What did I do? I was in such a daze today. Nothing was really registering in my mind.

"I guess you're used to getting white substances on you." Craig whispered. The people sitting in the few desks in-between us snickered at the joke.

"Why don't you ask your dad?" I shot back in a monotone. The class gasped at my comeback and I knew that later I would regret saying it, but right now I wasn't really thinking. Mr Gee shut everyone up before Craig could retaliate.

I completely zoned out of the rest of my morning classes. Teachers would talk to me but I never felt like talking back or even acting as though I heard them. People muttered insults at me and I tried to block them out, but there's only so much hate you can block out. The things that I did hear I tried not to respond to. Responding only made it worse, if that's even possible. Long story short, I'm completely miserable.

At lunch time I went to the cafeteria, but I didn't eat anything. I went straight to the back of the room and sat at an empty table which was against a wall so no one could sneak up on me. Like usual when I was in the cafeteria my eyes fell upon Vic, just to make sure he wasn't near me. To my surprise he was looking back. I quickly looked away and this time my eyes fell on Craig. He was tormenting one of the gothic kids today. I wanted to go over there and make him stop, but I couldn't. I guess now I understand why no one else stands up to Craig and Vic; they're all just as scared as I am.

I survived lunch and made my way to the music classroom. I wish I could enjoy being around music today, but I wasn't feeling up to it, so when I went into the music room I went to the back of the room, slid down the wall, took out my notebook and started scribbling down random lyrics. The room quickly filled up and everyone went straight to their instruments to keep working on their assignments. A few minutes after class started Vic sat in front of me on the ground. I could hear him plucking away at his guitar but I didn't look at him.

"So I was thinking we could make the song, like, an acoustic rock kind of song." He said.

"Whatever." I whispered. I self-consciously pulled the sleeves of my hoodie further down my arms. My Dad carelessly left bruises on them. Actually I guess that was my fault for blocking his kicks.

"Have you got any lyrics yet?" He asked.

I didn't answer him. I didn't feel like talking to him at all.

"Dude, I didn't think you'd get so upset over getting a little bit of food on you." He said in an irritated tone. There he goes again, talking to me as if it's not a big deal. He didn't think it was a big deal, but he made the whole school hate me for no reason, so it's a big deal to me.

"Vic, can I have a second alone with Kellin, please?" Mrs Ascot's sweeter than honey voice came from above me. I kept my eyes on my notebook which I was no longer writing in. I was nervously gripping at the edges of it. Vic got up and left without a single word. He was replaced by Mrs Ascot kneeling down in front of me.

"Kellin, sweetie, can I have your attention for a moment?" She asked.

"Only if you promise not to call me sweetie again." I said in a barely audible voice and looked at her. She was giving a sweet, yet sad smile.

"Okay. Kellin, some of your teachers have been talking about you today. You've been zoning out of class, ignoring teachers and not doing your work. What I'm trying to say is that some of us are worried about you and we want to know if you need any help with anything whether it be school life or home life. I could set up an appointment with the school's guidance counsellor if you need it." Her soft voice finished. I shook my head and stood up from the ground. I didn't reply to her or give her any kind of explanation; I just walked out of the room. I don't need her charity. The teachers around here don't give a fuck what's happening in the student's life. I could tell them about Craig and Vic but they would do nothing about it. Even if they did do something then I'd just be in a worse position than I was before.

I hid away in one of the bathrooms for the rest of the day, not wanting to deal with the world anymore. When the final bell rang I thought about going home, but I didn't want to get another detention on top of the one I have now, so I trudged my way to the detention room. I went in and saw Vic and his friend Tony, plus Craig, his friend Josh and another guy I didn't recognize. I didn't get a chance to take a seat because a teacher I had never seen before walked in.

"Alright boys, get ready for some labor." The man said with a thick southern accent.

"Perry, Franceschi, get yourselves some scrapers. You're going to the science building to scrape gum off the tables. Go." He ordered them.

Tony and Josh groaned before getting up, getting their tools and leaving the room.

"Fuentes, Ashby. Get some buckets, then go to the janitor's closet and get yourselves some mops. You're cleaning the locker rooms. Go." The teacher demanded.

The two of them left and I felt myself panicking. I have to spend the next hour alone with Craig. After what I said to him this morning I know he's not going to let me off easy. I'm fucking dead.

"Owens, Uh..." The teacher looked at me expectantly.

"Kellin Quinn." I told him.

"Right. Owens, Quinn. Grab a bucket and a scrubbing brush. You'll be out the back of the school washing graffiti." He said.

I did as I was told and got the bucket. Great, so I'm going to be at the back of the school with no supervision with one of the biggest bullies in the school. Of course that would happen to me. I looked back at Craig as we walked out of the classroom. He had an evil smile plastered on his face, like usual. He was planning something, I knew it. The paranoia was starting to really get to me. I was feeling nervous and anxious all the time whether I was at school or at home, and I hated that feeling. It felt suffocating. I walked into the hallway and was surprised to see Vic and that other guy still standing there.

"Craig, switch with me." Vic commanded.

"What? Why?" Craig asked and I think he was just as surprised as I was.

"I can't stand Alan." He said.

"What? What did I do?" Alan asked, looking offended.

"Shut up." Vic said and turned back to Craig. "Besides, I'm going to mess with him." Vic looked at me with a serious expression. But we should be even, right? Right? Ugh, I have a sick feeling about this.

"Fine, whatever." Craig said and he switched buckets with Vic. He glared at me one last time before he walked off down the hall with Alan. Vic walked in the opposite direction but my feet were glued to the ground.

"Are you coming or what?" Vic called back. I sighed before following him down the hall, making sure I stayed a few steps behind him.

"Let me guess, washing off graffiti at the back of the school?" Vic asked. I didn't answer him. He slowed down until he was walking next to me. I looked up at him.

"Scared?" He asked with a smile, clearly enjoying my discomfort. I rolled my eyes and looked away. We walked to the back of the school and out one of the fire exits. The back of the school wasn't very big. There was just a small grassy area and a surrounding fence. I turned and looked back at the building. The reachable places were completely covered in graffiti. There is absolutely no way this would only take an hour. I noticed some of it had already been scrubbed off, probably by former detention goers.

Vic and I filled our buckets with water and mixed the detergent in with it. It smelt like some sort of poison. Maybe I could drink it and get sent to the nurse's office or something. I decided against it and the two of us started scrubbing the brick wall instead.

"So you were like really upset the other day." He pointed out. This is the second time he's brought this up. I wish he would just drop it. He's either bringing it up because he's teasing me, or he's...

"Are you sorry?" I asked without really thinking. He just laughed me.

"Oh please. My heart is incapable of feeling sorry for people." He said.

"I wasn't aware you had a heart." I looked at him finally.

"Ha ha. You're so funny." He said sarcastically. I just looked back at the graffiti and kept scrubbing. He told Craig he wanted to mess with me, is this what he meant by messing with me? He was just being his usual jerky self.

"Do you ever smile? You're like serious all the time." He said. I glanced up at him. He notices that I'm serious all the time?

"There's nothing to smile about." I said truthfully and went back to my scrubbing. He stopped talking to me for a while, actually it was a long time. Every time I glanced at him he had this serious look on his face. And he says I'm serious all time? He's the tough, scary, intimidating one. If anyone's serious it's him. We had about 10 minutes left of detention and I was counting down the seconds until I was free. I hated being around him, maybe even more than I hate being around my Dad.

"Can you look at me for a second?" Vic randomly said.

"No." I said straight away. That was a strange question.

"No, I'm serious. Please. Just for a second." He asked again. I shook my head, ignoring his odd request. When I didn't obey him he came towards me, grabbed my arm and spun me around so I was facing him. He had latched right on to where I had a bruise. I gasped, pulling away and reflexively held onto my arm where it hurt. I looked at Vic but he was looking at my arm. I quickly dropped it so he wouldn't get suspicious, but it was too late, he was already curious. He grasped my wrist and pulled me towards him before pushing the sleeve up. He saw the bruise there. There was only one, but it looked pretty bad.

"Let go of me." My voice was shaky and stricken with panic. "I-I don't-"

"Yeah you don't like people touching you. I remember." He said and let go of me. I pulled the sleeve over my arm and crossed them over my chest, averting my eyes from his. Shit. Here come the questions.

"Did Craig do that?" He asked. I wanted to lie and say that he did do it, but I didn't. I don't know what stopped me from lying to him, but I didn't lie.

"No." I said.

"Was it your Dad?" His next question came quick. I was silent for a minute, then glanced at him quickly just to see an emotionless face, then looked back at the ground.

"Maybe." I muttered.

"You should tell someone." He said. It was more of an order than a suggestion. I looked back up at him, pretending to be confident so I could think of a lie to make this go away. If my Dad found out that I've been going around telling people that he hits me then I'll really be in for it.

"No, it's fine. It was an accident. He didn't mean to do it. He just grabbed my arm a bit too tight, that's all. I bruise easily." I said as if it was no big deal, just how Vic usually talks to me.

He seemed to buy it, although he was looked a bit sceptical, but he went back to scrubbing the wall. I went back to work too until I remembered what started that conversation in the first place.

"Why did you want me to look at you?" I asked. He sighed, but kept scrubbing.

"I just wanted to see something." He said.

"And what was that?" I questioned, curiousity getting the better of me. He stopped what he was doing and turned to me.

"To see if you're suicidal." He said bluntly. I swear I stopped breathing right then. What kind of person says that? What kind of person even thinks that in the first place? Why would he even care if I were suicidal or not.

"And am I?" I asked.

"I don't know." He Shrugged. "You were too scared for me to tell. And you should know the answer to that anyway." I didn't even know there was a specific look for a suicidal person, and even if there is I don't know how Vic would know it.

"Well? Are you?" He asked after a minute.

Am I suicidal? I had never thought about it, like, ever. Sure I wished I could just disappear sometimes but I've never had those thoughts until right this second when Vic mentioned it. But am I capable of doing such a thing.

"I don't know."