It's Harder Breathing Next To You // KELLIC

21

The next morning I woke up and I hadn't remembered Vic had been here with me until I smelt the familiar cologne. I sat up and looked around the room but there was no sign of him. I sighed and fell back onto the bed, thinking about how perfect last night was. Every single experience was so new to me, but I think the best part was snuggling up to him in the early hours of the morning and falling asleep. Never in my life have I felt so safe than in his arms.

I wanted to see him, so I kicked back the sheets and went over to my over-night bag. I got changed into some different clothes, nothing special, just the usuall skinny jeans and a shirt.Then I left the rooom, walking the short distance down the hallway to his room. I knocked on the door and got no reply. I slowly turned the door handle and opened the door, peeking inside.

"He's in the shower." A voice said from behind me. I jumped and turned around to see Mike there.

"Oh, hey." I said.

"Breakfast?" He asked cheerfully.

"Uh, no, but I'll come down and get a glass of water if that's okay." I said.

"Of course, come on." He said and pranced down the hallway. Yes, pranced. Sometimes I wonder who really is the gay brother here. I pushed the stupid thoughts aside and followed him down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Where are your parents?" I asked when I noticed there was no sign of them anywhere.

"They went to some market thing. I don't know." He said. He threw me a glass and I caught it, almost dropping it in the process, and then he poured icy cold water into it.

"Thanks." I said, taking a huge mouthful. He just smiled.

"So, did you and Vic have fun last night?" He asked in a teasing tone. I hesitated for a second while I swallowed the drink. Oh God, he didn't hear me, did he? Vic said 'shh', I should have fucking shushed!

"Uh, it was f-fine." I finally answered.

"Just fine? Vic is in a pretty good mood this morning which is totally unlike him. So I'd say it was better than fine." He said, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. I blushed and finished the glass before placing it on the table.

"Conversation over." I said and walked out of the room quickly. I ran up the stairs to get away from the awkward situation. His family was always so open about everything. It was a pretty dramatic difference in comparison to mine.

I went back to Vic's room and didn't bother knocking before I went in again because I could still hear the shower running. I lay down on his bed and waited for him. I ended up grinning like an idiot when I thought of what he did to me in this very room last night. Now I completely understand why he wanted to go further. He was so good to me last night which is why I have a plan to make him feel just as good as I did, hopefully. That's if I don't totally screw it up like I screw up everything.

A few more minutes I was waiting there until Vic walked through the open door. He froze, standing there in a just a towel hanging loosely around his waist. His hair was wet, but not like dripping wet, and his body, oh fucking god his body. He smiled after he registered I was there and walked further into the room, shutting and locking the door behind him.

"Morning, beautiful." He said, causing me to blush even harder than I already was.

"Hey, uh, I can leave if you...want." I said slowly. I didn't want him to tell me to leave though.

"No, I'm confident in my own sexy body." He joked. "Just wait a sec and I'll get changed."

I shot up from the bed and stopped him.

"No, uh, there's um, no need for that." I said nervously. He raised his eyebrows at me curiously. I took one of his hands and pulled him over to the bed, pushing him down on it. He fell back easily, not putting up a struggle at all. I was actually surprised at how bold I was being right now. But I guess I want him to know that I'm perfectly capable of being everything he wants in a boyfriend. Besides, I've kind of wanted to try this out for a while.

"What's gotten into you?" He asked, although I got the feeling he knew what was going on here. I crawled on top of him, straddling him, and bent down to kiss his sweet lips. They parted and I slipped my tongue in, but there was no fight for dominance, he let me do what I wanted. Being in control for once felt kind of good. I wanted to make him feel how I felt last night- completely helpless and under his control. Only it was me doing the controlling this time. My lips left his and I looked at him with a mischievous smile.

"Well, I owe you one, right? So I want to try something." I proposed.

"I'm not stopping you." He replied. I smiled before pecking his lips and then trailed the kisses down his chest. I kept looking up to see what his reactions were. He was smiling down at me while biting his lip. I finally got to the towel, glancing down and then looking back at Vic as if I was asking him if it were okay to do this.

"Like you even need to ask permission." He said. I noticed his voice had gone just that little bit deeper. I smiled again before I shakily removed the towel. I looked from his, uh, member, back to his eyes and I knew I was blushing. He just had an egotistical look on his face. Bastard.

I took it in my hand and lightly pressed my lips to the tip. He took a sharp intake of breath. Huh, I guess I'm not the only one with breathing issues. I was totally faking confidence right now, but hey, fake it 'til you make it, right? I twirled my tongue around the tip before taking half of him in my mouth. I looked up just in time to see him moan and throw his head back. I guess I'm doing something right then. I pulled my head back up, my mouth leaving him completely.

"I swear to god if you stop now I will never talk to you again." He threatened. I giggled and took him into my mouth again and moved up down. He was arching his back, pushing upwards every time I'd pull back. I was beginning to learn that although he acted so in control, he was so needy in bed. It was kind of hot, especially the way he kept muttering for me to go faster. His fingers tangled in my hair, but he didn't force me to do anything. I gained a sense of satisfaction hearing his heavy breathing and light moans.

"Getting close, Kels." He warned after a little while. I went a little faster, using my other hand to stroke the length I could get to. Finally his breathing got shallower and started turning into louder moans. Whatever swear words that were coming out of his mouth were barely recognizable as he gripped my hair and spilled into my mouth. I was happy I actually seemed to do it right. He sure seemed happy about it because when I looked up again he was smiling down at me, his eyes full of lust.

"Fuck, Kellin, where did you learn to do that?" He asked.

"Internet." I said with a shrug and crawled back up to him, falling onto the bed next to him. He wrapped an arm around me and kissed my forehead.

"It's too bad we can't spend all day together. We could have tried out some of those Kama Sutra positions." He teased. I rolled my eyes at the reference to that stupid Valentine's Day gift.

"Why can't we spend all day together?" I asked kind of sheepishly. I didn't want to seem too clingy.

"I have errands to run." He said casually and let go of me. He got off the bed, re-wrapping the towel around himself although I didn't see the point of that. I was disappointed he was busy but maybe it'd be a good idea for a little bit of alone time, especially after spending the whole night together for the first time.

"Drive you home?" Vic brought me back to reality.

"Of course." I smiled. Would I have it any other way?

——

After I said goodbye to Vic I walked into a quiet, empty house. I thought for sure that my Dad would at least be here, because his car is still here. I went into the kitchen and looked at the fridge where there was a bright yellow post-it note attached to it which my dad and I used to communicate because it was a hell of a lot better than actually talking to each other.

'Spending the night at Joanne's.' The note said in his messy hand writing. They must have taken Joanne's car then. I guess that's a win for me. I'm starting to like this Joanne slut, I mean lady, a lot more. I scrunched the note up and threw it in the trash can before wandering to my room and laying on my bed. I considering calling or texting Vic to see if he could come over tonight, but like I said, I didn't want to be clingy. I wouldn't want him to get sick of me after one weekend, although I could never imagine getting sick of him.

I spent the next few hours lounging around the house watching TV, listening to my iPod and writing nonsense in my lyrics book. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy. Like, my Dad was gone a lot more and I had an amazing boyfriend. I finally didn't feel like crawling into a little ball and begging the world to swallow me up. No, now I had a reason to wake up each morning.

It was nearing the afternoon when I started getting hungry. I left my upside down spot on the couch and my enthralling episode of SpongeBob Squarepants and went into the kitchen. I searched through the cupboards and fridge but there was barely anything in there. I was always the designated grocery shopper but I hadn't gone lately. I was really hungry now though. I spotted my dad's car keys on the kitchen bench. I knew it was probably a bad idea because I don't have a license or anything like that, but I knew how to drive so as long as I don't get caught I'll be fine.

So I travelled into town looking for a place to get some food. I just wanted a nice and easy take-out meal, that's all. I drove along the somewhat busy street until I saw a little hamburger shop. Good enough for me, I guess. I kept driving a little bit until I found a parking space along the sidewalk. I got out of the car and locked it, happy that I made it here without getting pulled over or damaging the car. I walked down the sidewalk towards the burger shop, enjoying the scenery. I hadn't really been into town since I got here because I didn't really have a reason to. I was kind of on the edge of town where there were buildings on one side of the road and a really big, nice park on the other which eventually spread out into woodland. I always liked things like parks. I would suggest going to one with Vic sometime, but we'd be a bit too suspicious hanging out together, alone in a public park.

As I was walking and taking in everything I saw, I stopped in my tracks when I saw something oddly familiar. Maybe it was just the same make or color or something, but I'm pretty sure the car I just walked past belongs to Vic. I turned back to it and examined it again. The door on the passenger side had a small scratch mark which I instantly recognized because Vic's car had the same one. I scanned the street, but I didn't see him anywhere. I forgot about it though. He did say he had errands to run after all.

So I kept walking again but I made sure I kept an eye out in case I saw him. I wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity to see him. Maybe he had the same idea as me and was going to get something to eat. As I was walking along my gaze drifted to the park and that's when I saw them. Across the street, standing by a tree and a park bench was Vic and Beau. My heart dropped, but I didn't want to over-react. I mean, I know they're friends and I'm totally okay with that. There's nothing wrong with that. They're allowed to hang out...in a park...by themselves...late in the afternoon while the sun is setting. Perfect setting for a, uh, friendship. Even so, I stopped walking and watched them. I should trust him, shouldn't I? But no, instead I watched them, examining their body language.

Vic took a step towards Beau. Their conversation, whatever they were talking about or doing, it looked intense. Of course, I couldn't hear them from over here. Maybe an argument? I don't know. This is wrong, I shouldn't be spying on them, but I couldn't help it. Vic stepped closer to Beau but Beau took a step back. Vic took yet another step towards him and then he held Beau's face in his hands. My stomach dropped and I just felt sick. Completely sick. That's not the way friends act, especially when those friends used to be a couple. Nothing happened though, they were still talking. I couldn't stand by and watch this happen. I need to know the truth.

I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed Vic's number. I watched as he let go of Beau and looked at his phone. Then the ringing cut out. He dismissed the phone call. I wanted to cry but on the other hand I wanted to just walk away and pretend I wasn't seeing this. I wanted to pretend he didn't just ignore me for this other guy. I called again. This time he answered.

"Hey, what's up?" He asked. His voice was completely normal as if nothing was happening.

"Hey, uh, where are you right now?" I asked. My voice was shaky, then again, when is it not shaky?

"I'm just... at home. It doesn't matter. Look, I'm kind of busy. Is something wrong?" He asked.

He lied to me. He straight up blatantly lied to me. If there wasn't anything going on with him and Beau then he could have just said he's hanging out with Beau, but no, he felt the need to lie to me.

"That's funny 'cause I don't remember there being a fucking tree in your room." I said and hung up. I watched Vic as he looked confused and then started scanning his surroundings. Finally his eyes fell on me. He looked shocked to see me there. Beau looked at me too and said something to Vic while gesturing towards me. He looked angry. Vic turned back to him and said something back, followed by Beau backing away before turning and jogging in the opposite direction. Vic looked at me again and I was thankful he was far away so he couldn't see how much this was hurting me right now. He looked back at Beau's running form, then back to me. I couldn't really tell, but if I had to guess I'd say he looked apologetic. Apologies won't get him anywhere with me right now.

"Don't." I whispered, but he did it anyway. He ran after Beau. He chose him.

I don't think words could possibly explain how I felt right now. Rejected? Abandoned? Heartbroken? I don't know. It was a numbing feeling. It was like I didn't know how to feel or how to act. My appetite was gone so I found myself walking back towards my dad's car with my head down, ignoring the people walking past. I had to hold it together for just a minute longer. But when I got in the car I didn't break down. I kept taking deep breaths as I started the car and drove back towards home.

He chose him. I kept repeating it over and over again in my head but I didn't want to believe it. As I parked the car and walked in the house I thought about how easy it was for him to lie to me and for me to keep falling for it. I was shaking. Everything felt so surreal. I put myself out there for him. I trusted him to...to do...things with me. I felt so safe with him but he's nothing but a liar.

I was standing in my bathroom in front of the cabinet absent-mindedly searching for any type of pills yet coming up with nothing. I don't know why I was looking for them though. It's not like I wanted to hurt myself. I just wanted the option. When I couldn't find anything I slammed the cabinet door closed and looked myself in the mirror, hating myself for liking him. That's when I broke down. Tears flooded my face and I found myself sobbing as I let everything out. I was so mad, not only at him, but mostly at myself. I glared at my reflection. My trusting, naïve, idiotic reflection.

"Fucking pathetic." I cried and hit the mirror as hard as I could. It shattered and cut my hand but I didn't care. I could barely even feel it. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I keep putting myself in situations where I end up hurt? I was fucking falling for him and he did this to me and he doesn't even care.