It's Harder Breathing Next To You // KELLIC

10

I tore my room apart for the tenth time that week. I couldn't find my lyric notebook anywhere and it was starting to make me go insane. I didn't care that I lost the lyrics, but I cared that the book could be in anyone's hands. Anyone could have read it and found out all of my inner thoughts. It's like someone reading your diary. Thankfully I didn't have my name on it so they wouldn't know it's mine anyway, unless they took it straight from my locker at school. I don't even know if I lost it at school or at home. I remember I had it on Monday, but a lot of things happened on Monday so it's all a blur. Now it's Saturday night and I have no sign of it what-so-ever. I know I'm only looking for it to distract myself though. Vic's throwing a party tonight and I'm trying to entertain myself so I don't get tempted to go. The only reason I would go is to see if Vic was serious about his suggestive comments on Wednesday during music class.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach; the same feeling I got whenever I thought about a certain Mexican boy. I flopped down onto my bed, looking at the ceiling like I always do when I'm thinking. Why did he have to go and kiss me and then say those things on Wednesday? For the rest of the week he didn't talk to me. He didn't even look at me! I should be happy though because that's exactly what I've wanted since I first started at the school. Yet on Thursday and Friday I found myself sneaking glances at him during lunch and music class. I think Mike noticed that too. Mike had gotten into the habit of sitting with me at lunch, even though he offered for me to sit with him, Vic and the others, I refused. It was nice to have someone to talk to during lunch, but he noticed me staring at Vic and would tease me about it in the way that friends would tease each other about anything, he wasn't serious with his taunts. He joked that I had a crush on Vic, which of course is ridiculous. He was still a jerk! Sure, he wasn't doing anything to me anymore, but I still saw him tormenting other students when he didn't get his way. On Friday I watched on as he forced two freshmen to squeeze into that tiny locker together. I quickly learnt that that was Vic's signature move, no matter how cliché it was.

My phone buzzed on my bedside table. I reached over and picked it up, looking at the screen. It could only be one person. I just received a text from Mike. I groaned, knowing immediately what the text would be about. For the past few days all he's done was bug me about going to this fucking party. I opened the text.

'Get here now. I saved you a beer....or 5 ;)' -Mike.

I groaned again, throwing my phone onto the bed next to me. I've never even been to a high school party before. The thought of getting drunk was very appealing. The thought of something bad happening was not. I may just be paranoid but something bad always happens to me. Then again, I could have fun. Ugh, why does this have to be so hard?

"Just give me a sign, God." I asked the roof. I looked around my room; nothing happened. "Satan?"

At that moment my door opened. In my silly-minded state I half expected Satan to walk through the door with a flashing neon sign pointing towards Vic's house, instead I saw my dad. Close enough.

"I want you gone tonight. It's football night and I have people coming over." He said. "And that's not a request it's an order." He added. He slammed my door shut, leaving me alone.

I looked around cautiously. The coincidence of my dad walking in at that moment was really fucking weird.

"That was scary. Don't do that again." I said to whatever Deity was listening.

I sighed and hopped off the bed. I guess I'm going to that party then. I felt good about the decision though, if not a little anxious. Going over to my dresser I stared at the piles of clothes wondering what to wear. Jeans? Yes. Blue? Black? A random color? What about a shirt? Crewneck? Button up? What color? And shoes? Toms, duh. I continued looking through my clothes wondering what would look good. I've never worried about looking good before and now suddenly I am. What does one wear to a high school party?

"Oh who cares?" I mumbled to myself, almost laughing at how stupid I was being. I settled on my black skinnies and a dark red button up top with short sleeves. I threw my black hoodie on over the top, leaving it unzipped. I slipped my Toms on and within seconds I was out the front door and walking towards Vic's house. It was a cool night tonight so I was thankful for the hoodie.

With each step I took towards Vic's house the more nervous I got. I don't even know how to act at one of these things. I've seen what parties are like in movies; there's drinking, drugs and sex, all of which I want nothing to do with tonight, other than maybe some drinking. I'll probably end up awkwardly standing in the corner while Vic is being an idiot with his friends, or I'll end up just following Mike around everywhere.

I finally got to the Fuentes' house. I could hear the music from down the other end of the street. It's a miracle no one had called the police and got the party shut down. Looking upon his house I saw flashing lights coming from inside, people were out the front of the house either making out or falling over themselves. Some of the drunken people were trying to get into their cars and drive away but their friends were stopping them. Maybe this was a bad idea. The sinking feeling in my stomach came back and I decided I didn't want to be here anymore. I turned and went to keep walking past their house.

"Yo, Kellin! Where are you going?" Mike's easily recognizable voice came from the front yard. I turned back to see him running up to me.

"Oh, I was just, uh, you know-"

"Bailing?" He asked with a knowing smile.

"Yeah." I sighed in defeat. He chuckled and shook his head before inhaling a cigarette which I hadn't noticed until now. I probably should have guessed he smokes. I tried not to show my distaste for it.

"You're not getting out of it that easily. Come on." He said and nodded towards the house.

I felt better about walking to the house this time, knowing I had someone with me and I wasn't just waltzing in by myself. I followed Mike into the loud house which was swarming with people. He took me past the staircase and into the living room. The furniture was pushed to the sides where people where on them, making out of course. People were dancing and grinding against each other to the hip hop music under a strobe light which was blinking relentlessly. Yeah, I definitely won't be doing any of those things.

Looking back to Mike I saw him with a girl. He was talking to her, being obviously flirty. I didn't want to interrupt him so I kept walking out of the living room and found myself walking into...well I don't know exactly what. I was in a kitchen and it was much quieter than out there. Vic and Tony were on one side of the small island in the middle of the room and there were another two guys on the other side. There was a bag of white pills on top of the kitchen island. They all looked up at me. Great, now I'm involved with drug dealers.

"S-sorry. I'll just uh, be somewhere else." I said and turned back around.

"No, wait." Vic's demanding voice stopped me in my tracks. "Stay. We're done here."

I turned back around with my back against the wall and I watched them again. Vic was glaring at the two other boys.

"If I ever see either of you at one of my parties again then you know what will happen." Vic threatened them. Here I was thinking that I had seen him at his most intimidating, but the way he just spoke to these two boys was probably the most terrifying I've ever seen him.

"Tony, get rid of them." Vic added. Tony did what he was told and within the seconds the three of them were gone, leaving me alone with Vic. His scary intimidating demeanor was gone and he was looking at me with a small smile.

"So you decided to come." He pointed out.

"My dad told me to leave, so I left." I said with a shrug. I walked over to him and picked up the packet of drugs.

"Drugs, huh? Nice." I said sarcastically. I couldn't get rid of the judging tone in my voice. Vic smirked and took the bag off of me. He turned to the sink, turned on the faucet and poured the contents of the bag down the drain. I looked at him, confused.

"Oh Kellin, always thinking the worst of me." He turned back when he was finished. "That was a date rape drug. Tony saw those guys trying to give it to a girl. I won't tolerate that at my party."

"Oh." Was all I could say. I felt stupid now.

"You want a drink?" He asked. I looked around at the rest of the kitchen. There were bottles of every kind of alcohol you could think of.

"Um sure." I said and leant against the island, trying to be casual even though I was nervous about being in a room alone with Vic. He grinned before going over to the kitchen bench, picking up two plastic cups and filling them with the contents from a punch bowl. He came back over to me and handed me one.

"It's a mixture of vodka, malibu and juice. My specialty." He said.

"Thanks." I said before taking a sip. It tasted really good. I couldn't really taste the alcohol but I could smell it so I knew it was there.

"So, uh, why the party?" I tried to make conversation.

"Tomorrow's February 10th, my 18th birthday." He said.

"Oh. Happy birthday then." I said awkwardly and took a large mouthful of the drink.

"You look good tonight." He changed the topic. I almost choked on the drink. I didn't reply to him and he smirked at me. He knew he was having this effect on me. He had a flirtatious glint in his eyes, while I on the other hand was standing there nervously blushing. He stood in front of me with his free hand on the bench next to my hip. His body was so close to mine, I had to look away. I looked to the door, wondering what would happen if someone walked in and saw us standing this close to each other. My head was screaming for me to push the asshole away, but my body wasn't moving. Why won't someone walk in? Is the kitchen off limits or something?

"I see your lip healed." He got my attention again. I looked at him while holding my breath for whatever was going to happen next. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he moved closer. Help! Satan, help me out here again, pal!

The music suddenly got louder indicating someone opened the kitchen door. Vic sighed in frustration and looked towards the door. He didn't move away from me though.

"This better be important." He said to the person. I let out the breath and turned to see Jaime.

"Beau is here." Jaime said, apparently not noticing what he just walked in on. I looked back at Vic. His look of annoyance and frustration was gone and was replaced with a smile. His face practically lit up at the mention of this Beau person. Vic took a step away from me and Jaime left.

"I have things to do. Um, you go drink some more, mingle with people, do whatever." He said to me quickly before running off out of the room. Okay, if I wasn't confused before I definitely am now. First of all, what the actual fuck is going on with my requests to the devil? The coincidences are getting creepy. Secondly, Vic, that jerk, almost kisses me again and then just runs off. Why do I even let him affect me in this way? I hate him so much but whenever I'm alone with him it's like my brain doesn't work and I'm a completely different person.

I walked out of the kitchen and back into the living room. I scanned the room for Mike and saw he had migrated over to a couch with a girl all over him. Looking around again I ended up glancing at the hallway which led to the stairs. I saw Vic with some guy walking past. Curiosity got the best of me and I pushed my way through the grinding people and out into the hall. I watched the two boys run up the stairs and go straight into Vic's room, shutting the door behind them. What's that feeling I'm getting right now? The one where I feel empty and my heart is clenching. Oh yeah, that's jealousy.

"Fuck my life." I muttered. I have developed a fucking crush on that dick, yet he's up there possibly doing what he was about to do to me just minutes before. I guess it's for the best anyway. He's not good for me and I don't even like him anyway! He's just got that flirtatious thing going on and he was nice to me for like a second and that's it. Other than that I completely hate him as a person.

I stayed where I was at the bottom of the stairs. It wasn't that I was waiting for Vic to come back out, because I wasn't. It's just that I hadn't felt like moving. But a few minutes later Vic and the other boy emerged from his room. I quickly went back into the living room, skulling the rest of my drink, before finding my way into the kitchen again. I poured myself another drink and put it into my system within a minute before getting yet another drink and leaving the kitchen. I went into the dining area which I had dinner in last week with the four Fuentes'. People were playing beer pong. By people I meant Craig. He was challenging a girl, I think her name is Jenna. She's from our grade and I've seen her hanging around Vic, Jaime and Tony during lunch before. She wasn't doing too well at the game because after taking one mouthful of the cup that she just lost, she was running through the room saying she was going to puke. Craig high fived his friends, including Josh. Judging by their comments it appears Craig is the undefeated champion. I've never played beer pong at a party before, but before my mom disappeared, my dad and I would play it almost every weekend, and being the kind of person who hates beer, I learnt to play pretty well to avoid drinking it.

"Look what the cat dragged in." Craig said when he noticed me. I went to walk away, but he stopped me.

"Fancy a game?" Josh asked. "I'm sure Craig would like an easy win."

"I don't know, Josh. I think it'd be a bit too easy. I want to take on someone who can actually challenge me. Not this twerp." Craig said. I turned back to him. It was probably the alcohol that made me so confident in myself, but I walked back to them and set my drink on the corner of the table.

"You're on." I said. Craig and the others laughed at me.

"Alright, this should be quick. Here, I'll even let you start." He threw the white ping pong ball to me and I caught it. I looked at the table. He had six cups in front of him and I had six in front of me in a pyramid formation. All of them were filled with beer. The aim was to land the ball in one of his cups so he had to drink the beer. Whoever drinks all of their cups first, loses.

I bounced the ball on the table and it went straight into his first cup.

"Hm, beginners luck." Craig said and downed his first drink. I want to make him look stupid, but mostly I just wanted to beat him so I could wipe that smug smile off his face. It was his turn this time. He threw the ball and missed my cups.

"Unlucky." I teased. I threw the ball back and got it into one of his cups easily. He looked a bit shocked, but drank the drink anyway. I probably had an advantage over him though. I could tell he's drunk. I however was not, but he doesn't have to know that. It was his turn and this time he got the ball in one of my cups. I drank the horrible tasting beer quickly.

"Who's winning?" Vic's voice came from my left. He was standing there without mystery boy.

"None of your business." I shot back without thinking. The others looked at me in shock again. I ignored the looks and took the ball, throwing it straight into one of Craig's beers. I looked at Vic who looked impressed, not at my skills but more over the fact that I was joining in. I was even surprised over the fact that I was doing this. I thought I'd be standing against a wall for the whole night wishing that I was out of there, but I wasn't.

"Carry on then." Vic said before leaving the room.

Craig and I kept playing the game, slowing down a bit when the taste of the beer was becoming too much and it took us longer to drink the whole cup. Finally it was down to the point where I had two cups left and he had one and it was my turn. I threw the ball and it bounced on the table and went straight into his cup. This time it was my turn to have a smug smile on my face. I just embarrassed him in front of his friends and that felt kind of good.

I left the room before he could challenge me to a rematch. I went back to the area where everyone was dancing and took my position as a wall flower. I stood there for a while, possibly a little too scared to walk. By now I had drunken four beers and three of "Vic's specialty". As per normal my eyes landed on Vic. He was sitting on the arm rest of a couch and talking to some people. He looked up at me and I rolled my eyes. I don't know why but I want him to know that I'm annoyed with him for making me feel all weird. Or maybe the alcohol is making me feel weird, I don't know. I decided it would be best to get some fresh air. I pushed myself away from the wall, accidentally stumbled into someone, and made my way back through the dining room where people were still playing beer pong, and I went outside to the cool night air. There were a few other people out here, laying on the ground either past out by themselves or with a partner, doing things.

I could feel the effects of the alcohol through my body, but my head was still clear and I was still thinking straight. It was about 11PM which meant that my dad's friends were most likely gone. I don't even know how he made friends here so quickly anyway. He probably met them at a bar.

"Hey beautiful." That silky smooth voice whispered into my ear making me jump. I turned quickly and took a step back, almost falling over my own feet.

"Have some water." He said, holding a bottle of water out to me.

"You have some water." I shot back, being stubborn.

"Note to self, Kellin is a bit feisty when drunk." He said.

"I'm not drunk, you are." I said like a child, turning it back around on him.

"Maybe so, but I'm used to this. I can hold my liquor. You'll be sick if you don't get some water into you." He said and handed me the bottle again. I took it this time because, truth be told, I needed it.

"Why would you care if I'm sick or not? And why'd you call me beautiful? Don't do that again, ever." I said in a whisper-yell after drinking from the bottle. I threw the bottle back at him when I decided I had enough. He placed it on the ground even though I knew he wanted me to drink more.

"Why not? It's the truth." He said and winked.

"And don't do that." I said in a frustrated tone.

"Do what?" He asked, looking at me the same way he looked at me when he was about to kiss me tonight. He couldn't kiss me though. There are other people out here.

"That. Don't do that. Stop looking at me like that and saying these things, okay? I hate you and I just...ugh...you're so annoying." I said. My words didn't seem to have an effect on him.

"Come here." He said and he backed away. He turned and walked over to the side of the house. My head told me to stay where I was, out in the open with these other drunken idiots, but once again my body betrayed me and I found myself walking towards him. It was darker where we were, but I could still see him. There was no one on this side of the house which I found odd because it's like a perfect make-out area, which I would later find out is exactly why Vic took me here. I was standing in front of him, but about a foot away.

"Did you have fun tonight?" He asked and I ignored him.

"Why did you kiss me the other day?" I blurted out. The question caught him off guard, but he quickly recovered with his answer.

"Because I could." He said.

"I could do a lot of things to you, but I don't." I said. I wasn't supposed to sound suggestive, but I did. I silently cursed myself.

"You should." He whispered. He took a step towards me and grasped the edges of my hoodie close to my hips. My breathing picked up speed as he pulled me to him, turned me around and lightly pushed me against the wall. His hands left my hoodie before I had the chance to push them away.

"Do you have any idea how cute you look when you're scared?" He asked. I blushed and looked away.

"I'm not scared." I murmured.

He moved closer to me and lightly brushed my hair out of my eyes and trailed his fingers down the side of my face, along my jaw and down to my neck. I closed my eyes and tensed up at his touch, my breathing going heavy.

"Relax." He whispered.

My eyes opened and I looked at him. He bit his lip before moving closer and gently pressing his lips to mine. My eyes flicked closed and I let my senses completely take in Vic; his touch, his smell, his taste. His soft lips started to move against mine, capturing my bottom one. I couldn't help but kiss him back, lightly sucking on his perfect lips. He put his hands on my hips and as an instinct I took hold of them and pushed them away. He groaned in frustration and tenderly bit my bottom lip in protest. I wanted him to be closer to me and I want him to touch me, so I put his hands back on my hips, but kept mine over them, my anxiety rose but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling because of this kiss. Vic parted his lips and I did too, knowing what was coming next. His tongue glided smoothly over mine and I was filled with desire. He pushed himself into me making warmth flood through my entire body. I moaned lightly. The noise made him stop and a moment later his lips were gone. He rested his forehead on my mine, our noses brushing together and our breathing irregular. I wanted to kiss him again so bad. It felt good.

"We should, uh, go to my room." He spoke softly against my lips, lightly kissing them again before looking at me for my response. I just nodded. He smiled and pecked me on the lips once more before pulling away. He walked from around the side of the house and I waited a second before following him.

I walked through the bodies of people in the living room which had significantly thinned out over the hours. Vic was a few steps ahead of me. I followed him upstairs in anticipation. I was excited for whatever was going to happen up there but also extremely nervous. I want to kiss him some more, so bad. All common sense was forgotten at this point. He was about to walk into his room when he held a hand up to stop me. He was standing in his doorway and I was in the hall. I gave him a confused look.

"Okay okay, listen to this one." I could faintly hear Craig's voice through his laughter. "I'm tired and I'm lost, I don't want to be found. I put my heart and soul and strength in this now."

The boys in the room erupted with laughter and I...well I looked at Vic in disbelief. They were my lyrics. The very lyrics I had spent the latter half of this week looking for, and here they are in Vic's room, being read by one of the last people in the world that I would want to read them.

"Oh hey Vic, we found your, uh, diary or some shit?" Craig said with a laugh.

"It's not mine." Vic said defensively. "It's just some loser freshmen's."

Loser? Does he really think they were written by a loser? I'm such a fucking idiot. I was beginning to break down the walls and let him in when he's just...I can't even describe how I'm feeling towards him right now. He stole my fucking lyrics.

"You're a dick." I whispered before getting as far away from him as I could.